Sach Mooch: Celebrity Worship Syndrome, a sufferer’s story

Here are a few celebrity apps that you might not know about, but have the potential to sell like hot gujjar films.

I have a confession to make. I think I am ready to reveal something about me that will change the way you see me. I am not well. I have a psychological disorder called Celebrity Worship Syndrome (CWS) (Google it).

CWS is an obsessive-addictive disorder in which a person becomes deeply involved in certain celebrities’ personal lives. If it is not cured, I only have a few months of sanity remaining. Experts have advised me to speak about it. They say it will help.

Recently, what elevated my sickness was a smartphone app made by a well-known actor. So, I decided to talk about other celebrity mobile apps that you might not know about, but have the potential to sell like hot gujjar films.

Qureshi lovers app

This app is what inspired me. I was the first one to download Faisal Qureshi’s app, so that I could know precisely when he goes to the bathroom, and go to the loo at the same time and feel a connection with him. Or maybe find out where he got his hair from. Is his beard transplanted too? I have so many questions!



Baaz-ajao

Mathira’s app, which locates the nearest 12 saal ka bacha. The name is inspired by her first found, Arbaaz. The app has maps and a GPS system, but they shut it down, claiming it was being used to do horrible things. If you ask me, they were just jealous of the genius of it.

Kya TUQ hai?

Your standard plan-a-revolution app, it was made by the Master of Puppets Ltd for Tahirul Qadri, and I can see he is still using it. It tells you things such as which flight is revolution friendly, which Chaudhry’s car is safe to drive in and the best internet provider in your vicinity that allows a no-buffering Skype call/address.

Chirya2Chairman

Is a sifarish/parchi-maker app made for the present-former-present-former-present chairman of the Pakistan Cricket Board, Najam ‘Shetty’, who, by the end of this sentence, will be the former chairman. By the way, Sunil Shetty just opted out of the prequel of Hera Pheri, so that the new Shetty can carry on the legacy.

Maila-meeter

Waqar Zaka made this app himself while kissing a snake as a bike ran over him, as he wiped a lion’s behind and married two fans. Quality work that stimulates the mind! Of course, you are responsible for all your actions and all the reactions caused by those actions...



Another sign of how chronic my CWS is that I broke into the house of veteran actor Talat Hussain and took a selfie with him while he was sleeping. I stayed a bit longer as I wanted to make his snores my ringtone, but he started sleep talking and I heard him say, “Jadeed technology aur shandaar rehaish… zzzZZz.”

My lowest was when I made a celebrity friend on Facebook, whose name I must not mention, who started asking me to send over some ‘special pictures’. As a fan, I did and since then, the celebrity has blocked me. I guess, I wasn’t as special as expected; I blame my lack of exercise, but still feel cheated and this was the point when I knew I had to change.

Please pray for my recovery. Maybe, one day, I can stop being a burden on society, stop following people and actually lead a life of my own. Maybe, I will choose to lead a simple life – a life where I can say, “I would rather burn my phone than download this app,” or simply, “I have a life!” For more updates on my condition, follow me on Twitter @AliGulPir



 

Published in The Express Tribune, July 13^th, 2014.

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