Addicted to misery

Have you ever had a run of good luck at work and instead of feeling proud, just wondered what the catch is? What does your boss actually want when he gives you a promotion? Is he really trying to destroy you by giving you more authority? After all, good things never happen to you.

The question here is that if it doesn’t happen to you, then whom does it happen to? Aliens from Mars? Of course not! Good things do happen and there is absolutely no shame in being happy about them. But for many of us, the problem is we have been raised with the belief that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Some of us just can’t believe that we deserve happiness so we keep looking for ways to destroy whatever happiness we do have.

Unfortunately, our society tends to make things worse in this regard. A happily married couple spends quality time together and lives a comfortable life. The wife’s friend comes along and hears stories of how well they get along. The friend, instead of being happy for her, remarks that there must be something the husband is hiding. The friend’s ‘personal experience’ has proven that no man is so caring; he must have some woman on the side. Over the next few weeks, the wife becomes paranoid. She starts checking her husband’s cell phone and calling him at work to check on his whereabouts. The confused husband starts getting irritated and they start fighting. Ultimately, they stop communicating and the marriage falls apart.

The standard response to this story is to blame the friend. But if you think about it, had the wife been secure about her happiness, she would have just listened to the friend, ignored her and moved on.

Many people choose to pull back when they find their lives headed in a positive direction. Psychologists call this a ‘fear of success’. Some people are so used to failing that when a goal finally looks achievable, they choose to pull back and let go of it. That way, the pressure of achieving success is gone and there is a weird sense of relief that it is finally over. This fear of success can be a crippling disability. Unfortunately, there is still a huge stigma attached to seeking help through therapy in Pakistan.

There are a lot of people who need help because they are depressed, or anxious or just plain unhappy, but who are unwilling to go to therapy. I don’t understand this reluctance. If you had cancer, would you not opt for chemotherapy? Then, why not get help if your mental state and your mind aren’t allowing you to lead a fulfilled life?

We are all familiar with the question as to whether the glass is half-full or half-empty, just like we are all familiar with the reply that the answer depends upon one’s perceptions. But perceptions are not permanent. Just like diet and exercise can help one to lose weight, therapy and counselling can help people identify their fears and find ways to overcome them.

There should be no shame in seeking therapy, just like there is no shame in taking medicines. We do not feel guilty or insecure if we see a doctor. Similarly, we should not have any qualms about seeing a therapist. They are trained professionals who help people in distress. Just because the problems they treat are in the mind, doesn’t make those problems any less real or less important.

Published in The Express Tribune, June 23^rd, 2014.

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