10 things I hate about smokers

1.    I don’t mind your stained, yellow teeth or the stale air that clings to you. I just mind that you’re around me.

2.    The idea that you would willingly squander time and money to almost certainly destroy your health — and gain peer acceptance in the process.

3.    Their inconsiderate, egocentric behavior. This is the non-smoking section of the restaurant and I have my baby with me. Please take your nicotine-laden air elsewhere. And no, I’m not sanctimonious, I’m sensible.

4.   When waiting for something – in a line to pay bills, at a restaurant waiting for the rest of the party to arrive — smokers get to look philosophical and mysterious. Non-smokers get to twiddle their thumbs.

5.   The guilt they’re too willing to analyse with just about anyone — or, alternatively, the deep, delusional denial of the problem at hand.

6.   The incessant, obsessive talk of quitting one day, of The Last Cigarette, of their almost-successful attempt which was sabotaged because of a chance meeting with an old smoking buddy. The weight of evidence is against you; face it: you won’t be able to quit.

7.  The 10-minute breaks every other hour. Smoking gives the perfect cover to loiter and shirk work. Try wandering aimlessly in the corridors without a cigarette in hand and a smoke buddy to chatter with and see how severely you get reprimanded.

8.   The fact that the juiciest tidbits of gossip are exchanged in the smoker’s corner might sting, but what really irks me is how random smoke breaks turn into official meetings, in which the most important business of the day is conducted. I work here too you know; thanks for not letting me in the loop when you were deciding on the next project.

9.   Their denial of lung cancer. No, it’s not laughter you’ll be choking with when the cancer is growing in your airway.

10.   That smoking pretends to be about rebellion when it’s actually just about fitting in. It’s the lazy, unthinking transgression that no one gets worked up about (except me).

Published in The Express Tribune, October 31^st, 2010.