I am afraid of losing my ratings: Mubasher Lucman

Talk-show host Mubasher Lucman on lies, fidelity, women and dirty talk.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have. For me personally the happiest moments are the ones spent with my children. For happiness must be shared. Sharing and joy were born twins.

What is your greatest fear?

The things which I fear the most in life have already happened to me. Right now I am most afraid of sickness and poverty. I am also afraid of losing my ratings.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

There are a few really but to narrow it down I wish I could learn to control my short temper. For I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Lies. It is most deplorable when people tell half truths to give full lies especially when there is no need for it.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Books. Cars. Perfumes. Entertaining friends at home. Vacations. So many of them really....

What is your current state of mind?

Confused. Confused about our society, government and our own future. Confused about the quality of future my children will have. Confused about whether I should migrate like so many of my friends or stay back. Confused if we can ever have patriotic and capable leadership. Confused about whether I should come into politics myself to rectify things.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Fidelity. I rarely come across it now but all of us publicise it endlessly.

On what occasion do you lie?

Often lying can be the product of a snap decision, made in haste without thoughtful consideration. I can lie when I want to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Also about my relationships/affairs as I do not wish them (women) any harmful publicity.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My teeth. I wish I could find the time to get them fixed and an employer to pay for it!

Which living person do you most despise?

A prospective suicide bomber. I wish for him to have a very very very long life.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

I really admire selfless donors in life. However for myself personally, I do not wish only to acquire certain qualities. I would much rather turn into a quality man.

What are the qualities you most like in a woman?

The most welcome quality would be a good sense of humour. A woman who smells good. But seriously, men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“I mean to say”, “Inshallah” and many, though not very complimentary, gaalis in Punjabi.

When and where were you happiest?

Difficult to single out but when I held my first born in my hands in the labour room for the first time I was over the moon. That was also the first time I was not afraid of death as I knew I would live on. In order to appreciate happiness one must go through lots of sorrow or else how else can you differentiate between the two?

Which talent would you most like to have?

I would love to be a good singer. (Aah only if I could sing…) I know if I ever came out with a cassette there would be five songs on side A and a long apology from the recording company on side B.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would love to have a much larger family. We all need some change sooner or later, I guess the only human establishment which rejects change or progress is the cemetery.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I have managed to retain my friends from my first year in school. Sadly, some of them have passed away too bringing loads of grief and pain but the others have withstood my moods, swaying temperament, airline food and are always standing by me. I am also fortunate to have a great family that supports me in every endeavor. For me achievement is plural and must be shared.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

I would be myself at any time. I believe that the years I have spent are more satisfying than what most men can ever dream off.

Where would you most like to live?

Preferably a wooden hut on a mountain top but frankly I can live anywhere and be happy long as there is plenty of domestic help around.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. I remember the most miserable moments were trying to convince a pretty girl that anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach obviously flunked geography.

What is your most treasured possession?

My personal library and my collection of Anna Kournikova photos!

If you didn’t do your current job, what would you choose to do?

My current occupation is extremely gratifying and when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else. Except sometimes when I am not doing what I do then perhaps there is a secret wish somewhere to enter active politics.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Well, remember a man’s heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which should never be vacant.

Who is your hero of fiction?

Umro Ayyar from Tilsum Hosh Ruba and Mario Puzo’s Godfather.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

There are so many it’s difficult to be objective. But perhaps Caliph Umer. Sher Shah Suri and Dr Martin Luther King Jr.

Who are your heroes in real life?

My late father who was a war hero. Additionally, my mother, a very strong woman with exceptional qualities. Dr Abdul Salam. Mustafa Kemal, Zaheer Abbas and, of course, Waheed Murad.

What is your greatest regret?

I had a quarrel with my elder brother. We were not on speaking terms and he died sometime later of a cardiac arrest. I just wish I could have made it up with him before that. It was a terrible feeling.

What’s your favorite quote?

“Perseverance commands success.”

How many hours of loadshedding did you experience yesterday?

None. I have a very powerful UPS and a generator. So I rarely experience the pleasures of loadshedding.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 31^st, 2010.