The writer is a student of political science and philosophy at Bard College in the US
I am a Pakistani columnist. This means that millions, if not billions of people, pay to get access to my highly developed intellect. The articles that I write in The Express Tribune, Dawn and The News make sure that I reach a truly nationwide audience and beyond. I have a thousand-something Twitter followers. From the shopkeepers in Dera Ismail Khan to the construction workers in Dadu, I have been entrusted with the responsibility to tell people what to think about what is going on in the country. How else could people know about the current negotiation process between the PML-N and the ASWJ (the defunct SSP)? The people have a right to know, but it is not easy for them.
I am the one to enlighten them. I am unabashedly smart and I write extremely well. I quote Shakespeare and Von Clausewitz in my articles. I am really good at chess and have degrees from foreign universities.
If I don’t tell Pakistanis to pay their taxes, that making peace with India is important, or that there is a power crisis in the country, then who will? People would be lost without me. They just wouldn’t have the slightest clue.
It is a curse, not a blessing. The trips to Islamabad and New Delhi, London and Dubai are exhausting. Constantly telling people what they should or should not do — but never how — saps the life out of me. I long to be among the common folk. I long to share a knee-slapper with the taxi driver, play a game of cricket with the gatekeeper and know what the average Pakistani thinks. Maybe I could start an NGO with my friends at the club. That would cleanse the soul. Common folks’ work and their lives are simple and without worries. Mine? I have the weight of moral responsibility on my shoulders for the entire country, which, unlike Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, cannot be shrugged.
I can think and write, and most people cannot. In fact, according to Descartes — who deems that existence is contingent upon thinking — most people would not even exist. And people who can think but cannot reach out to everybody — private intellectuals if you will — are irrelevant, which is why my job is so important. And that is the irrefutable fact that I have to accept and I shall be stoic about it.
You may ask how I know the things I know. Other public intellectuals, of course. The closed door meetings in which we share, appreciate, critique and inform one another’s work is actually for the benefit of the nation. We have divided responsibility amongst ourselves to take on the gargantuan and critical task of knowing something about everything while pretending to know everything about everything. Yet, I know the people would never be able to think for themselves. But I sincerely believe this is the right thing to do despite the futility of the endeavour. Rudyard Kipling can say it better in his poem, “White Man’s Burden”, than I can. Just substitute “White Man” for ‘Pakistani columnist’:
Take up the Pakistani columnist’s burden,
The savage wars of peace,
Fill full the mouth of Famine,
And bid the sickness cease,
And when your goal is nearest,
The end for others sought,
Watch sloth and heathen Folly,
Bring all your hopes to nought.
I am a Pakistani columnist and it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Published in The Express Tribune, March 9th, 2013.
COMMENTS (16)
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Quite hilarious. God knows we need to laugh more.
Brilliant Sarcasm....I also want to write a similar piece> "I am a liberal civil society intellectual, and I want to tell ignorant Pakistanis that human rights and democracy begin and end with 3 letters PPP,rest everything is synonymous with a Establishment."
Brilliant sarcasm. I also want to write a similar piece on "I am a liberal civil society intellectual and I want to tell Paklistan i.e. ignorant Pakistanis that all democracy and human rights begin and end with PPP. Rest are all synonymous with establishment.
Almost brilliant!
judging from some of the comments i dont think people understood your humor very well but anyway nice article.
An interesting read.....different from other writers.
Saim keep it up.
The Burden of the Commenter on Pakistani Columns Biased and incompetent moderators who can't do a simple job, as if their whole world will fall down around them if an opinion they don't like shows itself. I've never experienced a site where you can actually tell that there are multiple moderators without even being told beforehand. The alternated douchebag personalities are obviously different pending on the time of day and day of the week. You can even tell if it was changed slightly.
On top of all the great qualities you have ascribed to yourself, it is quite obvious you are also extremely humble. something you for forgot to include in your list of greatness.
"Constantly telling people what they should or should not do — but never how — saps the life out of me. I long to be among the common folk. I long to share a knee-slapper with the taxi driver, play a game of cricket with the gatekeeper and know what the average Pakistani thinks. Maybe I could start an NGO with my friends at the club. "
The writer touches ever-so-lightly on the common failure of Pakistani columnists: always ready to tell OTHERS what they should do yet never quite themselves motivated to actually DO it. Don't people realize that famous politicians from Thomas Jefferson and William Churchill to John Kennedy and Barack Obama were writers and/or columnists before they were politicians? Why in Pakistan do columnists hardly ever have the courage to make the jump?
I fear you might be taking yourself too seriously :)
Beautiful. Poetic! . I only wish I knew which articles you wrote. . Your reference to Sir Rudyard Kipling is apt and shows the mark of an intellectual. Rudyard won the Nobel as a Briton and he was and still remains very much a child of (British) India. He is celebrated in India to a large extent and his book "Kim" was a favorite of Nehru and his original home is still preserved. His father constructed the murals on Crawford market that I remember gazing in awe as a child and he was very much an Indophile.
You have only 157 twitter follower not a thousand something.
If only you hadn't quoted Kipling...
nice !!!