Let me start by telling you I love you and I love our time together.
All except your breathless speech about how to find a “good man”, “settle down”, “stop being an idealist”, and “stop evaluating too much”. I know you want me to get married this second, but I want to tell you, that’s not possible.
When you recommend people I should meet and I say I am not sure about them and you attack after a pause, when you remind me that I am a thirty-something and this is the time to settle if I want children, I want to tell you that I love you; I love your children; but they do sometimes scream too much. I am not sure children will give meaning to my life.
I think I have been in my head too long, but I am pretty comfortable being alone and, sorry to burst your bubble, but I am not dying to tie the knot today. Your lectures, and the lectures of others like you, are stressing me out though. All around, I see intelligent, beautiful and amazing women and men breaking down and throwing themselves at possible partners who do not deserve their attention one bit. They are disrespectful, useless and, frankly, just juvenile.
I am not sure which life problem you and these people think marriage can actually solve: What meaning can it provide? What fun? Or stimulation? People nagging you will never stop. Isn’t marriage a natural expression of a strong, almost spiritual, bond between you and a romantic partner? Did I miss the memo that declared it the answer of your life’s woes?
Marriage, to me, is a delicate balance of freedom and connectedness. I want to continue to live freely, to explore, to wonder, to run around, to create. And I certainly want to be connected, come back ‘home’ to someone who respects me and loves me for who I am. Do you, my married friend, who feels so entitled to bestow your wisdom on me, honestly say that you have both freedom and connectedness?
For the record, I do want to get married. But more than that, I want to meet the right person for me. If that takes time and I wait like a hopeless idiot, and don’t have children, then so be it. But I won’t let your cynical view of the world make me jump in the same blackhole of self-righteousness that you feel so comfortable disappearing in.
With love,
— your Single 30-Something Friend
Noor Masood studied International Development at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government, and has worked at The World Bank and Harvard University. She is passionate about teaching adaptive leadership, singing, and spirituality.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, March 3rd, 2013.
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COMMENTS (45)
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Please dont mind but, angoor khatay hain
Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it
What if the right person doesn't come along?... you end up being a 50 something, alone with in your apartment with 6 cats.
If you look at it logically there's no such thing as perfect, not people of all the things. From what your proposing, you'd rather be alone then take a chance. I still respect your opinion but see...marriage is not about finding the right person.I think most men and women misinterpret what it means to find the right person. You don't just meet the right person outta the box...you find them gradually through marriage...through compromise, understanding and love...in a nutshell...you work for it!
But for all that to happen you need to marry first. I know it may sound absurd to someone like you who hasn't yet married. So...judging from the column you wrote and your definition of "finding the right person" the people who've been telling you to get married are more smarter then you...just my two cents.
TOTALLY agree with u Noor! Thank God there is someone who thinks the same way I do...
Glad to see a Harvard education not wasted. Sigh.
The right person or ideal, very funny. I have seen people exploiating each other on the name of finding the so called ideal and developing a culture of boy-girl friend. They continue with each other for long time in order to develop understanding "idealism" and end up in total disaster sometime. Don't forget that we're living in society which has some of its own values and yes religion. Now few here will start commenting that religion give choice to select the right person both for boys and girls. Yes, it does but under certain parameters. It doesn't allow one to continue for years and then if both agree so Yes ! we've good understanding lets get married or we've not got good understanding so bye. Living life single isn't that much easy task to do as a believer. For believers do take those parametes in consideration and go for it if you want to get marry or remain single and keep fasting. which seem to be a tough task for many. I think compromise is the best solution and if you really are a believer then leave the rest to the GOD !! I will be happy to read some interesting comments.
Spot on!
@Cynical: you know you can be independent intelligent and open minded even if you're married! i dont understand how all that has to do with one's marital status.
Men marry when he became tired of being alone, whole women marry because of her enourmous amount of curiosity. In this age of revolutions and technical progess, as some survey report showed a few years back that Asian women are gone on merely a strike against getting married and leading a simpler house holding life, more probably they might have quit becoming curios anymore due to the openness of buried logics of masculine personals... To be frank, marriage is afterall matter of appropriate decision on right time, as ladies can only e righteous to choose until they haven't yet crossed their 30es, or else afterwards it becomes an endless untimate search for right person, because beauty goes faded, and this is another fact that women are young as long as they are beautifull... Anyways, this is a topic having so much depth to talk or research upon, " bat niklaygi to phir door falak jayegi", just marry on 1st come 1st serve basis, that's the only success of this proportion of life ....
Did not read the piece but planning to read it shortly. Marriage does add problems to a woman's life but makes life easy for man in our society. I like the culture in the West where woman has complete freedom and does what she really likes doing rather than being controlled first by her parents and later by her husband and in laws.
Did not read the piece but planning to read it shortly. Marriage does add problems to a woman's life but makes life easy for man in our society. I like the culture in the West where woman has complete freedom and does what she really likes doing rather than being controlled first by her parents and later by her husband and in laws.
There's no such thing as waiting for the perfect one, once what termed as perfect later on turns out to be a disaster and vice versa.Hence marriage is a gamble and a blind game anyways..you gotta give in sooner or later. You can still be high and mighty when you're thirty something. Read this article again once you're sixty.
There's no such thing as waiting for the perfect one, once what termed as perfect later on turns out to be a disaster and vice versa.Hence marriage is a gamble and a blind game anyways..you gotta give in sooner or later. You can still be high and mighty when you're thirty something. Read this article again once you're sixty.
You speak my heart out. i wonder where our society is going.. every one have a pair of such kind of relatives or frnds that keep on bragging the issue.. i mean cummon, let me live my life.. huh
Loved it. All the best!
Also, you can wait as much as you like but marriage like any 'good' works on the economic principal of demand and supply. The more you age the lesser the demand. Like it or not this has been the sad reality of mankind.
Marriage is like marijuana, makes you feel like you're missing on something and pushes you to throw emotions like these; the open letter. I hope you got your attention , I can understand the neglection of the masses.
Thank you everyone for your appreciation and critique, suggestions and thoughts. I'm really very grateful to read the string of comments.
I thought the day this would come out would be pretty exciting and fun. I had jokingly given a heads up to both my parents. But, today I witnessed with my fellow Karachi-walas, another day of frenzy, gunshots, and shrieking ambulances.The day said that its time to voice - kioun ke lab azad hain mere - on perhaps something more real? Would love to read your comments on that next piece! Thank you again!
Interesting perspective but there is no need to be so cynical. By the way, this piece looks more like a matrimonial advertisement.
Marriage should be just another thing in life, just do it and carry on.
Your naivety won't solve this issue. The "right" person means you consider yourself perfect and anyone who doesn't fit that mold is not "right". Good luck finding someone exactly like that. A huge part of marriage is making sacrifices and helping your significant other with their weaknesses.
@Muhammad Ziad: Didn't she say she WOULD like to be married, as every woman does, whether or not she admits it? However, marriage is a blessing, that we have converted into an obligation that at times ends in misery for both, or shall we say, ALL parties, considering one marries a family rather than a person in Pakistan (and I love the Pakistani family system; I wouldn't have it any other way). Such supposedly over-independent women might just be hopeless romantics for all you know, hopeless romantics who probably like the concept of marriage much more than their happily married friends. Whats more, idealism in this department is not about finding a Tom Cruise or a Fawad Khan let me clarify. Few people are more misunderstood than an educated single woman in this country.
Noor Masood, Just two words for you: MARRY ME!!!
lol . . . . on a more serious note, its about time women realized they are much much more than just mere objects that their parents look at (as they mature into fine adults) and start preparing them for 'show-case' marriage proposals. You well-articulated letter is simply the best advise for all women in Pakistan who need a little courage and self-confidence. Great work and keep it up. May we have MORE courageous, smart and intelligent women like yourself around here. You are officially my greatest fan. Cheers :)
....and for all those who disagreed with the letter, oh well, I have two words for you too.. but Id rather not on ET.
@Geeky:We think alike.
"The right person for me", interesting. Hope in search of the right person, we don't miss the right timings.
Goodluck!
"Marriage, to me, is a delicate balance of freedom and connectedness." Noor Masood. Love it!
However, while being married one still has the freedom to roam around with his/her loved one and come back home together, to be together again.
Noor, well said! I totally agree with what you have said. This is an issue that's affects both men and women. In South Asian society the traditional concept of marriage is a financial contract between two families, and nothing to do with the happiness or desires of the two people actually getting married. Sadly many parents are extremely pushy when it comes to getting married, without considering whether their children are ready, or even what they are looking for I a partner. Ultimately many people end up becoming unhappy, and I this is reason for many problems in our society.
Relationships are about giving..., if you can't give to others, don't ruin somebody's life by marrying him.....
Its entirely possible to be happily single as it is to be happily married (even in this day and age). Match-making is not a bad thing but if they belittle you for your life choices or try to set u up with people regardless of your wishes then it becomes highly annoying. As long as married folks don't criticize or pity single people for 'being lonely' just because they are alone and single people don't condescend married people for 'giving up their lives and freedom' just because they are attached, its all good.
Independant, open minded, enlightened, intellectual women MAKE ME FEEL SO PROUD!
Well done Noor, dont back down, stand up for what you beleive in. Married friends want their single friends to come on to their side so they can moan about their lives with them!
you are the pakistani carrie bradshaw...i salute you
Spot on Noor. I can certainly empathize with the author as I go through similar experiences all the time. Guy or girl; the nagging just never stops.
Subject reminded me of ' The Platters ' classic : To Each His Own '. If you really are wanting to get married and yes its a bit of a frightening proposition......don't wait too long because Mr. Perfect does not exist.
Good article. I always say- Our society should be more accepting towards single men and women. The society should stop pestering single people. Not everyone needs to get married, nor does everyone have a partner made for them. So be happy...be single. Apnay Jahan Kay Hum Baadshah Hain (I am the King of my own World)
Searching for the right person and narrowing your choices is never a solution. marriage is the responsibilty of a girl parents and guardians. Helping some one in finding one's better half is indeed an noble act.
Looks as if the entire piece was written in one breath
@sonya, I know many people who's parents got them married through the same sense of obligation that you speak of, only to find themselves angry with life cause the partner turned out to be a wrong choice, and ultimately alone and far more miserable than when they were single. And if you think that the only way to attain a healthy support system is by marriage, then you have another thing coming in life. And don't get me wrong, I'm a happily married person, and only because I found the 'right person' myself, not got my parents to do it.
@ Ziad: nice one. @ noor: no offense. I respect your perspective
lolz! fantastic!
Good going Noor! Totally agree with you!
--"blackhole of self-righteousness"
Finally,someone with a sensible view on the situation,great post Noor.
Hearing the judgmental comments of one's married friends is akin to the noise of fingernails on a blackboard.And their efforts to help find potential matches for the "poor lonely single friend" are presumptuous and frankly,insulting,its like fending off a forced mating ritual.
Such a lovely piece. A breath of fresh air. Made my day.
and being a muslim - isn't that obligatory on parents to find a good husband for their daughters? and get them married sooner by their consent? is this really a right issue? I have seen many single old women in our society on the whims of nature when their is no functional state support system. What Indian film star Rekha benefited from your approach - a prolonged acute depression?? I am not convinced.
Waiting endlessly for "the right person for me" presumes that you know yourself. For some, marriage is their only true journey of self-discovery. Of course, ideally, people would go through through experiences and develop a strong sense of who they are, but for a lot of people, love and marriage prove to be their only "rites of passage" into a mature and complete sense of self.
Just my two cents :). I'm heartened to see that Tribune allows our people to bring into the public sphere matters that are usually dismissed as "private". Although the lack of comments here does dampen my joy.
Do write your perspective once married, I will wait.
100%agree.....why my marriage is your problem....spot on Noor....keep up this attittude i am with you:)