What does someone need to do before they can be envious of someone?
Hello! I hope that 2013 is off to a fabulous start for you. The winter party season will bring opportunities to catch up with all your friends and contacts.
Imagine for a moment that your about to go into a dinner party at someone’s home. You’re dressed up and feeling like a million dollars. As you enter, you sense that someone has their eye on you. You get a very unfriendly vibe coming your way. You get goose bumps, and you realise that you need to leave the gathering as soon as possible. The notion that someone would be envious of a relative, colleague or even a friend is quite plausible; many say that they’ve experienced it. It is an well-known phenomenon in our society.
So, let’s imagine for a moment that you know lots of people who have more than you, and you feel envious. Envy is when we see someone who has something we want, and we wish that they wouldn’t have it, because we do not. Ideally, we would like what we are coveting, but envy accomplishes the opposite. It keeps us in a negative state of wanting, instead of motivating us to achieve our goals. So, let’s explore how to tame this monster.
Stop the comparing habit
What does someone need to do before they can be envious of someone? They need to compare their life with the person’s they are envious of. So, if I notice that someone has a nicer house than mine, or a nicer car than the old one I drive, only then can I wish that they didn’t have it. The habit of comparing ourselves to others is a natural strategy to find our place in society, but it can result in consistent misery if not managed. On a scale from one to 10, ten being the most, how happy do you feel on an average day? If the number is below 5, then chances are that you are setting up a negative comparison between yourself and other people. If you must compare then shift the comparison to a more productive one by noticing what you have that other people simply don’t.
Practice the art of contentment
I’m not saying that it is wrong to want more; it is human nature to want to succeed. Envy isn’t about wanting more for yourself. Instead it is about what you don’t want someone else to have. To break the negative cycle you need to consciously wish people well for all that they have. The next time you see someone enjoying something, say “good for them” in your mind. Imagine the effort they must have made to get where they are. Next, think about one or two steps that you could take to also achieve success. If you believe you can do something, then you will be able to do it. You may not succeed first time round, but with perseverance and hard work, you will get to your destination.
Develop abundant thinking
The last step to tame the green monster is to break out of the scarcity trap. If I believe that only one of us can have something, then I will feel a sense of lacking something all the time. Instead, the question to ask yourself is: is it possible for me to have what this other person does? You will find yourself answering in the affirmative. If you feel that it isn’t possible, then there may be self-esteem or beliefs about success that need to be addressed. So ditch the idea that only one of you can have what you want, and cultivate possibility. You will find yourself able to focus on being a more productive individual in the long run.
Sayeda Habib is a life coach who empowers her clients to create a fulfilling, happier life. To find out more on coaching, or to work with Sayeda, log on to www.makelifehappen.com or email sayeda@makelifehappen.com
Published in The Express Tribune, January 13th, 2013.
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"I’m not saying that it is wrong to want more; it is human nature to want to succeed. Envy isn’t about wanting more for yourself. Instead it is about what you don’t want someone else to have." Very true! Excellent.