Caught in the middle: The midlife crisis and how to get through it

Midlife can herald a crisis as much as a celebration.

Afreen celebrated her fortieth birthday with fanfare. Her colleagues hosted a grand party at the school she owns with ‘Life begins at 40’ as the theme. Afreen’s mother had warned her about the hot flashes and mood swings that are an unwelcome accompaniment to midlife but so busy was she was in discovering herself, sampling all the amazing things life still had to offer and, well, growing, as opposed to just growing old, that she barely noticed them. “The physical changes did nothing to pull me down. My face lost a little colour, my hair lost a little weight and my body gained a little weight, but my spirit soared,” she says.

The transition to midlife, which occurs between the ages of 40 and 60 when half of one’s life has passed, can be a time of standing at the crossroads for many women. The growing realisation of one’s own mortality leads to the reassessment of how one’s spent her life so far. Many events often occur by midlife: a change in relationships, a serious illness, an empty nest, the loss of a spouse or parent. These changes lead to an assessment of actual achievements vis-a-vis expectations and often result in the feeling that the two do not match. This is the cause of the restless and dissatisfaction associated with midlife and may lead one to a need to make significant changes in life such as in career, lifestyle or relationships.

When midlife rolled around, Afreen had already achieved a handful of significant goals. She had set up her own school by the age of 30, and moved it into a purpose-built building that she owned before she hit 40. No wonder midlife was a time to look back and celebrate.

Others are less lucky.

Sarah, a 45-year-old stay-at-home wife and mother, feels that by mid-life the Pakistani woman’s ‘happily married with children’ dream turns into a monotonous nightmare. With the husband losing interest in her, the children growing independent, and the chores becoming more and more mundane, she has time on her hands to reflect on all that she has (or hasn’t) achieved — and she may not always be satisfied with the situation. She may blame the demands of family for not having allowed her the opportunity to develop professionally. Meanwhile, her productivity may be curbed because of controlling in-laws or a dominating husband. At social gatherings her self-esteem may be punctured due to lack of exposure which means she can’t make small talk. Mindless shopping, trips to the salon, flings and addictions — all these may be symptoms of her purposelessness.

“She took pride in her appearance … does she become scared of the wrinkles? She thrived on being loved and admired ... does the now-bored husband make her feel this way?” asks Sarah. “The emptiness and the feeling of being unwanted confuses a woman who was happy living her life for others but is at a complete loss when it comes to living for herself.”

Many women go through it without understanding or accepting their feelings. They may crave change for the sake of change; feel the need for impulsive behavior; face self-doubt, loss of direction, and depression. They may also feel confused about their life and goals while experiencing either general malaise or frantic energy, bouts of daydreaming, irritability and unexpected anger. No wonder that midlife has been likened to adolescence by psychologists and is sometimes called ‘middlescence’.

“I feel the same excitement I did when I was turning sixteen and I’m loving feeling naughty at forty!”  says Hina, mother of two, who runs a boutique. But while she has a long list of things she wants to do — fly a helicopter, bungee-jump, scuba dive, learn to swim, go off on a travelling adventure, write a book, get multiple ear piercings, wear daring clothes — she lacks a clear action plan. It is not easy for her to follow her dreams: She feels hopelessly trapped in everyday life, burdened with endless family and work obligations, held back by the status quo though there’s nothing she wants more than just to be herself, with no responsibilities to others.

Environment and attitude play a great role in how one passes through this phase of life. Generally, women who have clear, defined goals and supportive, encouraging spouses and families are able to deal with this process more positively. Such is the case with Amina, 38, who is relishing the freedom that comes with midlife. Married in her teens, she was put in charge of household duties and the up-keeping of social mores. She dealt with demanding in-laws and financial difficulties in her youth. But now that her children are independent enough she can focus on herself for a change. Her understanding husband does not nag or restrict her from pursuing her interests.  For her, midlife is a time of  spiritual awakening, new adventures, self-study and personal development. She has started a small interior design business, taken up gardening, and has an active social life with a good set of friends. Amina values what she has achieved over a period of time: maturity, wisdom, wealth, stability, grown children and social standing.

“I think this is the best of times: one has the vigour of youth and the wisdom and means of age,” says Maheen, a lawyer just shy of 40. “I want to make the most of this time since I don’t have many years left before my joints give up!”

While her husband does grow irate over her late nights out, Maheen feels that she is at an age where she is allowed to live a little for herself. “When a girl gets married at a young age, she does not get to live her life freely, passing from her parents’ care to her in-laws’ and husband’s supervision. I realise and fulfill my responsibilities, but I want to enjoy my freedom now,” she says.

And while some do not know how to cope with the loss of a loved one at this stage, others take it in their stride. For Zeenat, widowhood came as a wake up call: “It allowed me the liberty to be the person I have always been but had to hide away during married life,” says the writer who has two grown children and lives independently. Zeenat decided to do away with convention and midlife became a period which brought a renewal of personal energy. There were those who thought that the combined effect of midlife and widowhood had gotten to her, but she was just asserting her right to live life on her own terms. “I thought if I couldn’t be ‘me’ now it was never going to happen. Menopause was a relief ... no more PMS. When I started graying … I initially let go but then decided ‘No way’ and started dying my hair its natural colour. As for my attire ...I was probably dowdier in my thirties than in my fifties when I found a new lease of life in a conscious choice.”

You may label midlife a ‘crisis’, ‘reassessment’  ‘transition’ or ‘celebration’. The key to dealing with the conflicting emotions of this stage is to assume ownership of your inner direction and to remember that you can always steer the direction of your life. You may not suddenly love everything about your life but you can become more capable of accepting and making the most of it. If any women in your immediate circle are facing a midlife dilemma, remember that they are floundering to cope after losing their role as a wife, a mother, a daughter and your counseling and support will make the ride easier for them. Be accepting of token gestures that will allow them some escape, like a radical hair job, extra shopping, a new hobby or some time out and away. Guide them in a new direction if they are lost. Give them enough space to regenerate and regroup. And if it is happening to you, do not be overwhelmed by it; embrace it.

“I feel if we embrace the age that we are — if we act seventeen at seventeen, twenty five at twenty five — we can enjoy the beauty and benefits life has to offer at each stage,” Afreen says.

Midlife passage 14 tips to make it easier

1. If you are not there yet, preempt midlife issues with a roadmap and a clearer sense of direction. Invest time and effort in personal growth: take up left off studies, look for career changes, develop a skill.

2. Confront your feelings directly, with introspection, the help of a spouse or close friend, and /or advice from a counselor. Don’t ignore the restlessness. Consider it a vital wake-up call to prepare you for the next leg of life.

3. Stop drifting and procrastinating. Develop a plan to take the next step in your life.  Ask yourself these questions and write down the answers:  What do I feel I should have done by this time in my life? Is there something more important and fulfilling that I can focus on now? What do I want more of in my life? How can I ensure my commitment to living a significant life?

4. Maintain a strong  support network of  like-minded friends and family, including women going through the same phase.

5. When feeling the “fight or flight” instinct or feeling trapped, understand that the problem may not go away with an outward change. This may seem frustrating at the time but is actually very liberating as it puts the control of your life firmly in your hands.

6. Realise that at this stage you have more control over your life than earlier and later in life, and use it to your advantage.

7. Take up a meaningful and satisfying pursuit.

8. Let go of old roles, rules and negativity from the past that may have defined you earlier but must be reordered with changed circumstances.

9. Improve your lifestyle: physical activity can reduce tension and stress, as can a balanced, nutritious meal plan and adequate sleep and rest.

10. Do not let who you are or who you want to be be defined by any external force.   Drop the facade you put on to get through the first half of life. Be more willing to take risks and less concerned about pleasing others.

11. Look good, feel good, but only for yourself. Avoid pressure to look young and beautiful. Ask to be measured by your worth and not your appearance.

12. Avoid pathways where fulfillment is fleeting.

13. Find solace and comfort in religion and spirituality.

14. Consider it a gift to take time out of the rat race and reconnect with your inner self to live a happier, more fulfilling and less materialistic life.

(Compiled from several online sources)

Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, November 18^th, 2012.

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