Make life happen: Mirror, mirror on the wall

Making relationships work requires addressing the root cause.

LONDON: I’m sure you’re familiar with the fairytale called Snow White. This story comes to mind because I often wonder how many men think their wives, who they once thought were Snow Whites, have now turned into evil witches.

Of course, it can also go the other way as well — women who thought they finally found their prince charming, turned out to be just another toad. Do you feel that your spouse isn’t the same person he once was — someone you vowed your whole life to? Maybe your husband has become sullen or distant, with you being the last thing on his mind. Perhaps you think your wife is too demanding, negative and just complains about everything. Whatever the specifics, you may have the recurring thought that you made a huge mistake and often wonder what you got yourself into. You didn’t sign up for this. You didn’t expect your spouse to change and become someone else entirely and you are left wondering if you will be able to sustain this over the long term.

Does this sound familiar? Well, you’re not alone. It is natural for people to reflect on their relationships, even if they are healthy. However, this increases tenfold when we find ourselves feeling disappointed, unappreciated or disrespected.  Our first instinct is to blame the other person. However, I urge you to first ask yourself: Am I the same person, as the one who embarked on this journey?  I imagine if you ask your spouse, they will say that you are indeed different. If there is negativity in your relationship, then be sure that there is negativity coming from you as well, even if you don’t quite realise it.

So why do we or our partners transmute into negative people? The underlying cause of why this happens is that we don’t deal with our unfulfilled expectations. For example, if you find that your wife is often sulking or negative, it is probably due to the fact that she feels neglected most of the time. She had the expectation that she would receive love and attention from her marriage. When that expectation wasn’t met, she became negative, sarcastic and even cruel as time went by.

Negative behaviour is often reactive, but over time, it turns into a habit. The first step towards reverting back to who we used to be is to identify where the negativity is stemming from and to attempt to resolve this issue. Take a few moments to reflect on the questions below:

•  Do I behave differently now than I did during the early days of my relationship?

•  What positive changes have I noticed?

•  What negative behaviour do I now notice within myself?

Positive changes are to be celebrated, so acknowledge your growth and development. After this, if you want to reclaim some of positivity you had around your relationship, then bring your attention to your own negative behaviour and ask yourself:

•  Am I feeling upset, angry or ________ (insert your own word) at my spouse?

•  What is causing these feelings?

•  What need do I have, that is not being fulfilled?

Once you are clear about what needs to be addressed, choose a relaxed time to open up a conversation. Speak to your spouse and tell him/her honestly what it is that you really need. Be clear about your intention to improve your behaviour and wish to return to the person you once were. Find ways to work together as a team, so each of you works towards fulfilling what the other needs. Invite your spouse to also share his/her thoughts with you and listen without making judgement.

You can transform any negative behaviour and improve the quality of a relationship, just by how you behave. When the other person works with you, the results can be even more powerful. The relationship may not quite be the same as it once was but you both have probably changed in a number of ways.  This is actually great news because you can appreciate your relationship, your spouse and yourself for who you now are, and encourage each other to achieve the goals you wish to achieve.

Sayeda Habib is a life coach who empowers her clients to create a fulfilling, happier life. To find out more on coaching, or to work with Sayeda, log on to www.makelifehappen.com or email [e-mail]

Published in The Express Tribune, November 4^th, 2012.

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