Humor: And now a word from our (masters) sponsors

As the only non-faster in your office, you have to put up with the indignity of drinking water out of Muslim Shower.

After the success of our thook pay chalnay waali gari “Aik Akh-Thoo say 100 KM” (copyright @zaalimsingh), Munafiq enterprises PVT Unlimited is proud to present our new line of stuff you know you need but didn’t think anyone was insane enough to invent.

The Laydes

Oh sure the women think they have a rough time driving in Pakistan, what with all the eve-teasers, motorcycle machos and roadside romeos … not to mention all those annoying coloured lights at the intersections (what the heck are they for anyway?) But we know the truth: there is no greater sin than…DRIVING WHILE MALE! Try going home after a solid night of taraweeh/ street cricket and all of a sudden you’re a target for every single cop out to make some advance eidi. Well, we at Munafiq enterprises feel your pain. Introducing the ‘Laydes’:

Just place this beautifully crafted mannequin on the passenger side seat and navigate checkpoints with a new confidence! When that pot-bellied mustachioed cop flags you down, just roll down your window and say “Aap dekh naheen saktay meray saath Laydes hain?” (indignant tone not included). And drive off while he fumbles an apology.

Available in many different styles: Ammi jam, Kulsoom Khala, Burger Bachi and Hijabi Baji, the ‘laydes’ is versatile enough to be placed in Altos and Honda CD-70s alike, the ‘laydes’ will add a new dimension to your awaragardi.

!!!New new new!!!

Now, get the deluxe

version which includes a button located strategically on the ‘Laydes’ knee. When pressed, hear the Laydes shout such testosterone depleting phrases as ‘Yeh kya badtameezi hay’ and ‘Aap ki maa behen nahi hay?’  Order now and get a free Nikahnama!

Holy smoke

We know that it’s not just the Ehteram-i-Ramazan ordinance that has you worried. As the only non-faster in your office, you have to put up with the indignity of drinking water out of the Muslim Shower and the judging looks and sermons you get when your colleagues smell the biryani on your breath.

Well, we’ve solved at least ONE of your problems with our new line: HOLY SMOKE. After you’re done filling your sinful belly while your brothers and sisters starve, just spray this into your mouth and start smelling like a REAL Rozaydaar! Made from essential oil extracts from the mouths of those who are, quite literally, holier-than-thou, this little spray is the answer for all you hidden heretics.

The news filter

No news is good news. Seriously. And in a country where the news is either bad, worse or “I’m going to shoot myself right freaking now’ terrible, what you need to keep calm and carry on is our News Filter. Absolutely NOT a modified motorcycle helmet with a blindfold, this life-saving device completely insulates you from all external stimuli, ensuring that you live a happy, stress-free life! Order our deluxe model, with built-in earphones repeating “AAL IS WELL” in a constant loop.

The Fundometer

You know you’ve been there: you are having an animated conversation about Sunny Leone’s Bollywood debut and the latest Arsenal-Man United match, when you let slip how nice it would be if someone FINALLY sentenced Mumtaz Qadri to death. And all of a sudden the tattooed, heavily-accented guy you’re talking to jumps up and screams: Astagfirullah, he is a Ghazi, innit? I’m gonna, like, totally cut your head off innit?

That’s right. You, like so many others have fallen prey to the Closet Fundo!

Well, now avoid embarrassing and potentially fatal social faux pas’ with our handy dandy FUNDOMETER!

Just point this pocket device in the direction of the target and keep a close eye on the metre. If it swings to the right, then praising Salmaan Taseer and promoting Pak-India peace are no-nos. If the metre swings to the left, then you’re in the presence of the near mythic entity known as the ‘Liberal Fascist’. While he probably won’t behead you, prepare to be bored to death hearing about how saying ‘Ramazan’ means that you’re a wannabe Bedouin who hates Abida Parveen, fruit chaat, the letter ‘P’ and all things not Saudi.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, August 12^th, 2012.