1- Big borrower, lousy lender
She borrows my clothes, jewellery, shoes and bags and when she returns them, they look nothing like their original selves — in fact, she takes such a long time to return them that I forget what they looked like, in the first place. But she refuses to let me walk out the door if I’m wearing her stuff.
2- Who’s got my back? Apparently, no one!
I have to cover her butt if my mother asks why there is ‘smoke’ in the loo or where she might have gone at 1am, but dare I come a minute after 11pm and she will refuse to let me in the door.
3- I’m 25, not five!
In a few years, I’ll be hitting 30, but sister dearest talks to me like I’m still 5. She’ll snatch the remote control, make fun of my hair, repeat everything I say and sneakily read all my text messages. And after one hour of reading, she’ll sing-song for hours, “You HAVE a boyfraaaaand.”
4- Lazy + squealer = nightmare sister
She uses her big sister card to get me to do everything for her. And if I dare to not comply with her wishes, she blackmails me worse than the mafia ever could.
5- Embarrassment galore
They could be colleagues from work, but if they run into your big sister, she’ll somehow find a way to hog their attention and reminisce about how fat you were growing up and your horrendous buck teeth.
6- Irremovable halo on her head
She could commit fraud, terrorise a nation or murder an entire race, but for your parents, she will always be an angel. And they’ll repeatedly tell you to model yourself after her.
7- Your personal lie detector
You can fool your parents, you can lie to your best friend, but when it comes to sisters and deception, you can never succeed.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, July 29th, 2012.