Not so hidden agenda

It's 2015 and Maulana Azab ul Haq, the leader of Tehrik-o-Lashkar-e-Nifaz-e-Jihad-o-Difa-e-Ulema-e-Pakistan is the...

The year is 2015. In a surprise and wholly unexpected development, a grand religio-political alliance has swept the snap elections called after the previous government’s summary dismissal on grounds of mass corruption and unwarranted promotion of peace with world and regional powers. Maulana Azab ul Haq, the leader of Tehrik-o-Lashkar-e-Nifaz-e-Jihad-o-Difa-e-Ulema-e-Pakistan, finds himself ensconced on the unlikely seat of the Prime Minister of Pakistan.

At the end of a hectic first day in office, the near-exhausted ideologue sits at his desk and chalks out his list of priorities as PM. Here’s a glimpse:

 

• Need to order new turbans. From Armani. Gucci works too. All turbans in the same deep-extremist-blue. Good for image.


• Speaking of which, need to hire a proper image consultant. Makeup guy too. Am PM, after all. Someone needs to tell me what colour combos to wear and exactly how much henna to go in the beard.


• Need fresh supplies of kohl. And deodorant. Lots of it. Used to get it from my local thelay-wallah but need topnotch export-quality stuff now. Am PM, after all.


• Enact a complete and strict ban on all porn websites. Specially those with women in ‘em.


• Speaking of which, need to dispel notion we’re against women. It’s not true. We’re all for them as long they stay home and don’t provoke male desire by going out to get groceries or to work, etc.


• If they do, they have to completely cover their faces. Or else grow beards. This is final. We will break the legs of any hussy who doesn’t agree.


• Kidding! We’ll just break one leg or maybe an arm. We are not rigid people.


• Ban all American news websites. We will not accept their filthy propaganda. We can make our own.


• Ban all entertainment websites too, including those about celebrities and all that nonsense. Except those remembering Whitney Houston, that beautiful woman.


• Ban concerts completely. Anyone caught singing in public will be jailed and fined and made to sing old Nahid Akhtar and Benjamin Sisters patriotic songs 5,000 times each. Or die, whichever comes first.


• Ban all models and modelling agencies. Especially female ones. Any woman trying to model will be jailed and fined and dressed in Hamid Karzai getups for 40 days and 40 nights, straight. Or die, whichever comes first.


• Ban all foreign food outlets. We don’t need all that Zionist-controlled fatty food poisoning our bodies. We have our own.


• Ok strike that: maybe we can have McDonald’s. But only if it caters to our own tastes: McHalwa, McBurfi, the works. Do that and they can have an outlet in PM House.


• Speaking of which, my official menu is so dull. Need to add more dumpukht, siri-paye, maghaz masala. And mince-meat from Indian cows. Need good stuff. Am PM, after all.


• Ban all vaccines. We’d rather die of horrible diseases than have our fertility messed with. Anyone caught administering vaccines would be jailed and fined and fed heart medicine from Lahore.


• Ban all dating websites. Hire that ex-morning show hostess as consultant on this. Provided she works from home.


• Ban Facebook. Ban Youtube. Ban Twitter. Ban Ki Moon. No wait, that’s the UN guy. Heck, what did the UN ever do for us? Ban him too.


• Ban internet altogether. Except sites on how to make homemade bombs and Whitney Houston tribute sites, mine included.


• Whew, so many things to do. Writing it all has made me hungry. Need to order some fresh russ-malai. Topnotch export-quality. Am PM, after all.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, March 18^th, 2012.