Lonely hearts club: On St Skeletor’s Day, stories of breakups on V-days of the past

St Skeletor’s Day is marked every year on February 15; non-commercial alternative to St Valentine Day.

ISLAMABAD:

I’d wish everyone a Happy St Skeletor’s Day. But that would go against everything the day stands for.

A non-commercial alternative to St Valentine’s Day, on St Skeletor’s Day you go about doing your daily tasks like any other day. It is marked every year on February 15 (today) and was originally devised by British comedian and playwright Richard Herring in 1998.

So instead of sulking about being lonely on V-Day, how about some horror stories from the past, as recalled by their tellers, that will be sure to turn that frown upside down.

Give me your shoes

Sasha first got into a relationship when she was 22, which is slightly older than the revolting norm (plethora of new-teens that decide who they will marry and have babies with at the age 13). So she was quite over the moon when she had a suitable beau at her side. However, like all relationships, an unfortunate twist emerged.

The scum was, to a large extent, using her for gifts, as she was much richer than him. He urged her to buy him belts, jeans, perfume, meals and even cough medicine (yes, cough medicine; that same one that costs Rs30).

Sasha soon realised what was happening and chose to test the guy.

One fine Valentine’s Day, he gets her a bouquet of flowers and a pack of Ferrero-Rocher chocolates (“how sweet of him” to spend Rs700 on her).

He convinced her to go to Levi’s for ‘window shopping’, where he, like a spoilt child, demanded that she buy him a pair of shoes which cost Rs9,500.

Something snapped, or perhaps it was the spirit of St Skeletor, and she took the very shoes he was demanding and beat the living daylights out of him.

The staff gathered around the two; some escorted the “moocher” out and others gave Sasha a hot cup of tea.

“Aik taraf ghar wali aik taraf bahir wali”

Circa 2007, Alia and her friends were at their local sheesha joint, mulling over their collective singledom on Valentine’s Day, when an ISOI couple (everyone knows everyone in Islamabad) comes and sits next to their table, hand in hand.

Their “disgusting” PDA is suddenly interrupted by a rude awakening, and what St Skeletorians would consider poetic justice.

Who can only be another girlfriend of the two-timing fiend, this woman comes down upon the two with all the rage of Goddess Lyssa.

The two girls get into a physical confrontation as Alia and her gang sit in amazement and pure enticement of what’s happening. The other woman proves to be a much stronger counterpart and manages to rip the other girl’s pants off.

Never had Alia and her friends thought they would see a catfight in the otherwise mundane sheesha joint, and the story lives on to manic laughter till today.

Stop the car!

Almost every girl dreams of a boyfriend who will shower her with cards, flowers, trinkets and chocolates on V-Day: the operative word being “almost”.

There are a handful of independent-thinking girls in this city who don’t care for such overt displays of affection.

Misha, one such individual, was going out on Valentine’s Day with her boyfriend of four months. She wasn’t expecting anything more than a dinner.

He picks her up: the car smells and looks like St Valentine threw up in it with flowers more than a Mehndi ceremony and smiley-faced balloons floating around the back seat.

To top it off, he starts showering her with cards and gifts, including a ring. Confused on how to process all of this “love talk” after only four months of dating, she puts on a smile as he starts the car. However, as she smiles through her racing thoughts, suddenly her left arm goes numb and tingly; she’s dizzy, heart palpitations, shortness of breath.

“Stop the car! Stop the car! Open the windows. I can’t breathe, my arm’s numb. I’m having a heart attack!”

He stops the car, and being the nice guy that he is, takes her to the hospital. Turns out it was only an anxiety attack, but suffice to say the relationship ended at the hospital quite uncomfortably.

So dear lonely hearts club, this is why you were single on Valentine’s Day and thank god for that!

Names of individuals have been changed so they can show their faces in Islamabad again.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 15^th, 2012.