Kitchen Cabinet

Mr Clean will set up an entirely new cabinet with huddling hordes of Reformed Crusaders turned Retro-fit Carpenters.

The pale sun of winter rises over a dust-laden landscape where leaves droop with the burden of neglect. Elsewhere, a pale son rises, embraced by yesterday’s forgotten politicos emerging out of the wilderness of inertia, a collective amnesia of past allegiances wiping their slates clean. But is that all that it takes to be called to this particular bar, where Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and where Mr Clean is not just a full-bodied, muscular, fragrant, Made in USA kitchen-cleaning solution wiping the counter spotless?

Not at all. This Mr Clean is the one who is going to set up an entirely new cabinet with his huddling hordes of Reformed Crusaders turned Retro-fit Carpenters. In the bulging mixed bag of assorted goodies that Santa is bringing for the Beloved, Blighted Nation, we have a heady mix of musky aromatic top notes underscored by the tangy tones of the tainted. We have two former foreign ministers, one who served under a dictator fond of wearing many hats yet fearful of doffing his uniform, the other consumed with a sudden realisation that he had served for a good two years with a regime he now considers to be a front runner for the Best Performer at the Global Disaster Awards. For these two gentlemen, may I have the temerity to suggest that the following portfolios be considered: Mr Khurshid Kasuri as Minister of Sartorial Elegance with additional charge of Department (Undevolved) of Cravats and Kerchiefs. Mr Shah Mahmood Qureshi can be allotted the Ministry of Peeri Mureedi while also serving as the Task Force Head of Late Realisation.

For Mr Azam Swati, may I suggest the Ministry of Deforestation, while Mr Aleem Khan can be appointed the head of the Ministry of Corner Plot Allotments.

For Mr Jehangir Tareen a suitable ministry would be one dealing with anything saccharine and sugary, including the sweet taste of sources of wealth accumulated through magical means. Dr Shireen Mazari would be suited for the Ministry of Defiance with the additional charge of Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Hair Styling (Trends and Transplants). The Leghari Brothers could be given the charge, jointly, of Ministry for Renditions in honour of Aimal Kansi, while one of them could look after the lucrative trade in Land Cruisers and Land Heists. To Sardar Asseff Ahmed Ali would go the Commission on Irrelevance and other Inconsequential Innuendos, while he would also be appointed the Chairman of the Afternoon Garden Party where all former Oxbridgers would row row row their boats, gently down the nullah. Muffins, Crumpets, and Cucumber Sandwiches shall be served to those who have hitherto thought of cucumbers as a salad vegetable complementing other insipid legumes normally served up with Kukar Palao. Amongst these is the dynamic Sarwar Khan, who could be the competent and experienced head of the Ministry of Opportunistic Yo-yo-ism, while Mian Azhar could serve as Chief Protocol Officer since there isn’t much to say about him which is either here, there, or anywhere in particular.

And last but certainly not least, the Sona Munda of Days of Yore, Mr Shafqat ‘Shaf’ Mahmood, could oversee the Babes and Babus Support Programme with some of the money allegedly being allocated for the renovation of the presidency’s kitchen. In fact, this princely sum of Rs260 million, which would be otherwise used to fashion Italian cabinets in an American kitchen set in a Spanish villa overlooking an Italian Mansion, could be used jointly by Dr Shireen Mazari and Mr Shafqat Mahmood to give the much-anticipated cabinet a makeover, complete with facelifts, chin-tucks, belly nips, transplants and implants, for the grand Change which shall be effected shortly by the Luminous Brigade. With money left over, (plus money from the lucrative trade in Land Cruisers and payments due to sugarcane growers as well as what few pennies could be garnered from the sale of Mr Aleem Khan’s erstwhile scooter), the new kitchen cabinet could have Retro-Fit Carpenters from the Isotopic Selection Institute design a whole new set of cooking ranges where freeze dried meat could be cooked without thawing or checking for bacteria.

Failing this, the Anticipated Cabinet could decide to allocate the money for the presidency’s Kitchen Cabinets to the Children’s Hospital, where 2,500 outpatients and 1,400 inpatients from all over the Beloved, Blighted country seek medical care everyday, for a total cost of 200 million rupees a year, 60 million less than what it takes to build new kitchen cabinets.

Published in The Express Tribune, December 29^th, 2011.