Film review: Breaking Dawn - eat me

Let me declare outright that I am a dedicated Potterhead, which means that after God, I worship the global phenomenon that is Harry Potter. A corollary is that I hate Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight and everything related to it, though, unlike other Potterheads I do not deem it an omen of doom sent by the devil. So anything that I say about the latest installment in the mind-boggling series must be taken with a pinch of salt.

In The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward’s (Robert Pattinson) romantic honeymoon is cut short when they discover that Bella is pregnant. Now this would be a setback for any young couple but in this case Bella is in danger of being killed since the baby is a ‘demon’, i.e. half-vampire, half-human. You don’t exactly need a major in Biology to figure out how such a thing could happen. Though hardly the most convincing of plot points, it is hard to dismiss, since this is what the entire movie is based on.

The supernatural world is divided into those who think the baby should be killed (and this includes Edward) and those who believe it should live. The rest of the movie is then dedicated to graphic depictions of Bella’s rather uncomfortable pregnancy: as-the-mother to be lovingly rubs her expanding belly, the baby crushes her rib cage, back, and knees, while inducing an unholy thirst for human blood (makes your 2 am craving for gajar ka halwa appear tame by comparison).

True to previous installments of the Twilight series, the supporting actors do a more animated job than the leads, which is not saying much given the glass-eyed stare that seems to be their default expression. Surprisingly, Breaking Dawn was rated PG-13. Forget the close ups of the lead couple in the throes of passion, the graphic depiction of a monstrous pregnancy was luridly disturbing even for a fully grown woman. In no way is this appropriate material for 13-year-olds.

As a Potterhead, I would like to point out that Twilight’s tactic of breaking the movie version of the book into two parts was ripped from the treatment given to the last Harry Potter film. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I say. To prevent my being eaten alive by Twilight fans everywhere, much in the same way Bella is eaten first by her baby and then her hubby, I hasten to  add that, a few minor scenes apart, the movie was quite faithful to the book.

Twilight fans will be head over heels for this movie, but the rest can safely give this a miss.

Published in The Express Tribune, December Sunday Magazine, 18^th, 2011.