A Potterhead's plea: Ditch Lupin's moustache and make Sirius cool

With the luxury of time, dare we allow ourselves to expect great things from the upcoming HBO 'Harry Potter' show?

SLOUGH, ENGLAND:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that where there is a film version of a book, there will be a legion of contemptuous sneering fans hell-bent on seeking fault. With the film, that is. Never the book, to which these fans swear undying devotion.

Some of us are lifelong members of this club. Sometimes, the only way to dull the rage at a horrific adaptation is to crucify so we can soothe our troubled hearts. And if there is any fandom that is split clearly between Book Fans and Film Fans, it has to be the Harry Potter series.

Book Fans, this is your day in the sun. With the upcoming Harry Potter HBO television series in the works, as a healing exercise, today we are going to band together to collectively drown our sorrows in everything all eight Harry Potter films got wrong.

Are you still haunted by Dumbledore’s inability to ask questions goblet-related questions calmly? Does the sight of Ginny tying Harry’s shoelaces still make you want to curl up into a ball? Are you still flabbergasted by Harry’s impromptu dance with Hermione in a tent? Do you still question what could have possibly possessed Voldemort to start dishing out hugs? Head this way, because pain shared is pain halved!

Filmmaking choices – the good, the bad, and the ugly

In the interest of balance, it is necessary to first stress that not all filmmaking decisions were a total bafflement. All you need to do is listen to the opening notes of the iconic soundtrack, and your mind’s eye will instantly show you the Hogwarts Express winding its way through the mountains. And when it comes to casting choices, the films would not have had a leg to stand on had it not been for the slew of actors who have since departed. Who can forget the fabulous Dame Maggi Smith as Professor McGonagall, the genius of Alan Rickman as the stony-faced Severus Snape, the wonderful Robbie Coltrane as gentle giant Hagrid and the born-for-the-role Richard Harris as Dumbledore?

Of course, it is not just lead teachers who left an indelible mark in the films. Supporting teachers, too, got right into the skin of their characters, as Emma Thompson flawlessly showed us with her flighty, tremulous Trelawney. And you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who could depict the egomaniacal Lockhart as effortlessly as Kenneth Branagh. It pains us to admit this, given Branagh’s sordid history with Thompson vis-a-vis (his) infidelity, but when it comes to acting, the man tends to know his craft.

With all this money and talent at one’s disposal, however, it is necessary to ask: pray, just what artistic purpose did Lupin’s serve? We understand that Lupin is not quite the heartthrob hero of the series, but was it really necessary to uglify him with a hideous moustache?

And speaking of heartthrob heroes, was there no one available in the makeup department who could transform Gary Oldman’s Sirius Black into the rock god he was meant to be? With his haunted eyes and long black hair, Sirius holds the honour of being many a girl’s first literary crush. If the makeup department could have turned Robbie Coltrane into a straw-haired giant, surely Oldman’s face (which is not at all ugly, let us be clear) could have been morphed into, say, something akin to Ralph Fiennes’ Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights? Series makers, please take note: Give Lupin whatever facial hair you want, but please do not mess with our beloved Sirius. To truly mourn his untimely passing, we first need to properly fall in love with him. And because we are shallow, the only we can go into mourning is if he is adequately beautiful. We cannot have this messed up for a second time.

Questionable characterisation

Not only are we Book Fans shallow enough to be put off by a non-hot Sirius, we also take offence at the insufferable treatment of Ginny Weasley in the hands of whoever moulded her on-screen personality. In the books, Ginny is a ball of fire who wins over Harry’s heart with her wit, brains, loyalty, and ability to answer back to him where Ron and Hermione are unable to. (Study Harry’s teenage angst in the Order of the Phoenix for reference.) In the films, Ginny is startlingly similar to the bottom of a Weetabix packet: dry, unnecessary, and something that deserves to be cast aside forthwith. Where in the books, Ginny makes Harry laugh with her deadpan humour and breathtaking ability to imitate Fleur Delacour behind her back, in the films she ties Harry’s shoes. Why? We are still not sure. Nevertheless, she prevents a potentially serious shoe-lace-related injury and has red hair. We are expected to believe that this is enough for the love story of a lifetime.

Naturally, it is not just Ginny’s character who is butchered, but also Dumbledore’s. Wise old Dumbledore embarked on his angsty phase from the third film onwards, getting an upgrade in his wardrobe as Alfonso Cuarón took over the director’s chair from Chris Colombus. Had Harris not (rather selfishly) died after filming the second film, perhaps he could have been around to guide Harry better. Perhaps, much like in the book, Dumbledore could have calmly asked Harry whether or not he put his name in the goblet of fire, rather than bellowing his query, WWE-wrestler-style, in Harry’s uncomprehending face. Such wild straying from the text matters to Book Fans, who cannot stomach such inattention to detail.

Inventive plot

As if makeup choices and inaccurate interpretations were not enough, Book Fans have also had to endure wild inventions when it comes to the films. There must have been a good reason for the Burrow to catch fire in the sixth film, but whatever it is, we Book Fans do not see why it had to exist. Indeed, we are unable to see why filmmakers want to shoehorn in new material when they have a hard enough time trying to shove 500 pages of plot into a two-hour film. Not only does the Burrow get callously sacrificed, we also bear painful witness to a needless will-they-won’t-they Harry and Hermione moment in the first Deathly Hallows film, and a random hug thrown in by our very own Voldemort (who is famously anti-love) for a completely bewildered Malfoy. (Bewildered because Ralph Fiennes, aka Voldemort, took matters into his own hands and strayed from the script without telling anyone, least of all Tom Felton, who played Malfoy.)

Now that an actual television series is in the making, we Book Fans have something to look forward to, because a series has the chance to right every film’s wrongs. Now that directors and producers have the luxury of time, we hope we will be spared the pain of awkward shoe-tying moments and bellowed goblet-related questions. Throw in a dashing Sirius and a faithful script, and we Book Fans may just give the TV series the chance we never gave the films.

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