Mr Know It All: A paranoid boyfriend and work woes

From relationship blues to money woes, Mr Know It All has the answers!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

I’m in a fix. My boyfriend is paranoid and is making me choose between him and a good friend of mine just because he used to have feelings for me. Just the thought of me conversing with him makes my boyfriend uncomfortable and uneasy. It’s not fair to me. I would never put him in a position like this. I’ve tried to reason with him and we’ve had endless fights. I’m sick and tired of him rambling on about how he’d do the same for me. I need him to realise that this is all absurd and he doesn’t need to be so possessive. How do I make him understand?

Frustrated girlfriend

 

A. Look, you’ve grown up hearing all men are created equal and it’s true. At least when it comes to being absolutely clueless as to how sometimes even the most undeserving of them manage to land a trophy girlfriend (which I’m going to assume you are). If you’re cute and smart and consider yourself to be a good catch, then I don’t really blame your boyfriend for turning into a green-eyed brute at the mention of this ‘other’ guy in your life.  It’s not unusual for men to show signs of jealousy if your best friend happens to be another guy, especially one who has admitted to having feelings for you hitherto. The poor guy probably can’t stop wondering what the two of you have been up to in the past and what all may happen in the future, so forcing you to break-up with him seems to be his only viable option.

The sensible way for you to deal with the situation would be to first start regarding your boyfriend’s possessiveness as caveman’s flattery. Once you’ve untangled the knots in your own head, tell your boyfriend you’ve decided to keep your friendship with the other guy because friends don’t grow on trees, but you’re also going to prioritise your love life from now on and, since you love him so much, you will always pay more attention to him. Because, after all, when it comes to the competition for your love and attention, he wins—big time.

If he still refuses to listen and things get out of control, it’s worthwhile to know that there’s no hard-and-fast rule about how long your patience should last. You’ll know when it’s no longer worth sticking around. Only you can tell when it’s time to put your foot down and tell him that he has to respect you a little more or you’ll be out of his life for good.

 

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

After a long time of searching, giving interviews and being rejected, I finally got a job. It pays good money but the people who work there aren’t very nice. I really wanted to make sure nothing went wrong to mess this up, but exactly the opposite happened. Two of my colleagues were fighting and I tried to make them stop. Instead, it got physical and when I tried to call someone to help, I was dragged down with them. Now I’m at the risk of losing my job. I don’t know how to fix this. What should I do?

Distressed employee

 

A. A lot of people make the mistake of assuming that they were only able to get a certain job just because they got lucky. Why underestimate yourself? Nobody in today’s world will hire you unless you’re good at what you do. Getting hauled into a workplace fist-fight is perhaps one of the worst ways to start a new job, sure, but if you’re confident you weren’t in the wrong, let the people who matter know just that. Stand up for yourself and come clean the first chance you get. Communicate the whole incident without being confrontational and keep your cool no matter what happens, just like any true gentleman would.

 

Q. Dear Mr Know it All,

I am a 25-year-old married woman, and have a son. My problem is that I recently started working at a school in the administration department, and my boss puts loads of work on my desk. Every day, I have something new to do and half the time I am unable to understand my work. The workload and stress is killing me! The real problem is that I am unable to give time to my son or spend quality time with my husband, as my husband does the night shift at a call centre. By the time he returns home from work, I am getting ready to leave for my job. He then spends the day sleeping. We don’t even get the same days off. It’s becoming harder and harder for me to cope with things. My husband told me to quit my job but I don’t want to. Please help me.

Helpless woman

A. I’m proud of you for accepting the fact that you need help fostering your two very demanding relationships. That’s half the problem solved right there! Now for the second half, listen to your supportive hubby and quit the job, because we both know you don’t want to waste another one of your days doing something that’s clearly making you feel unhappy. The satisfaction of being productive and bringing in the extra cash is great, but in your case it doesn’t seem worth the trouble it’s causing you. Enjoy the little time your man’s home by being a family and be there for your kid while he still needs you. And then, if you still want to make a little moolah on the side, what better idea than to start tutoring the neighbourhood sproglets for a couple of hours in the afternoon while the mister catches up on his sleep?

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, November 20^th,  2011.