Trashing your ex

When will boys stop using badmouthing for their former girlfriends?

While having a conversation with a male friend, Ammar*, I was surprised and quite disgusted at the condescending tone in which he referred to his ex-girlfriend. “She was a little psycho anyway. I can’t believe I went out with someone with such a loose character,” he said in a patronising tone.

While it’s a universal thing for boys (well, girls too, for that matter) to talk poorly about their former beaus, what disturbed me immensely was that my friend had been showering her with ‘I love you’s’ just a week before she decided to break up with him. And now since he had been dumped, he was using the most appalling of words to describe her.

This article is not about whether dating during teen years is right or wrong. That is a neverending debate. And while our society doesn’t accept teenage dating as decent behaviour, it is still quite prevalent. The issue I want to raise in this article is how boys badmouth their ex-girlfriends. Many boys would accuse me of being sexist, but I have heard too many boys use nasty words and phrases to describe their former sweethearts.

When a boy have a huge crush on the new girl in the school/neighbourhood, he swoons how she’s the next great thing after Megan Fox. When he finally gets his Megan Fox, he uses endearing words like ‘baby’ and ‘sweetheart’ to address her. But as soon as the relationship is over and addressing them as ‘darling/baby/jaanu’ becomes a thing of the past, he automatically switches to dirty words.

A classmate of mine, S, got dumped some time ago. She was an emotional mess. S wouldn’t eat, talk much or do anything a typical fun-loving red-blooded teenage girl does. While we tried to soothe her by telling her that she was too good for her former boyfriend, the latter only made things worse for her. He sent a string of emails on facebook to students in our school, alleging how S was sasta maal and that no honourable boy should even think of asking her out. We were horrified, to say the least. The same guy, who had launched a slander campaign against S, had no too long ago told her that she was the best girl in the whole wide world!

Appalled at her former boyfriend’s despicable conduct, S complained to his mother, thinking that she will at least look into the matter seriously. Disappointingly, but not unexpectedly, the mother blatantly refused to believe my classmate’s words against her son. Instead she went on to accuse S for trapping her ‘innocent’ son. It was aggravating to see a mother react this way.

Why is it that only the girl has fingers pointed at her while the boy’s reputation remains untainted? If a relationship is to be concluded, can it not be done with minimum fuss? Why does the girl’s life, in most cases, have to become hellish in the aftermath?

Having said all that, I have to admit that girls can also take some precautionary measures to avoid being labelled after a bitter breakup. They need to stop taking advantage of their boyfriends, like spending mountains of their cash and demanding expensive gifts from them. Girls also need to avoid hitting on arrogant boys who generally have a tendency to badmouth and gossip. Moreover, many teenage girls have a weakness for bad boys, who appear ‘cool’ and adventurous. But just because a guy resembles Robert Pattinson, you should not go ga-ga over him. Chances are that he will have lots of trashy things to say about you once after you bid him good riddance.

*Names have been changed.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 15^th, 2011.