10 things I hate about award shows

1.     Crowd management. If you’re a regular attendee, ushers will bully you into your seat well before show time, depriving you of your chance to ogle celebrities. If you’re an usher, you will struggle with the urge to slap every noncompliant attendee into submission. If you’re a celebrity… well, the crowds will just part for you, won’t they?

2.    Photographers. Even ordinary folks don’t escape the scrutiny of the lens, and by the time the flashbulb goes off, it’s too late to wipe that awkward grimace or open-mouthed stare off your face — it’s already been immortalised.

3.    Cameramen. As they pan across the crowd looking for that perfect ‘reaction shot’ they’ll be sure to zoom in just as your face contorts into the most horrible of expressions.

4.    Which brings us to the next pitfall of a televised award show: you’ll soon realise you’ve unconsciously tempered your laughs, whispered comments and expressions of mock horror so that you won’t look like a total idiot on camera… this realisation, of course, makes you feel like a total idiot.

5.   The disappointment. Is Meera-jee really that short? She looks like a giantess onscreen. Did that model really just apologise for bumping into me? I thought they were all mean girls.

6.    The blink-and-you’ll-miss-it once over. Everybody minutely scrutinises everybody else’s hair, makeup and clothes, but miraculously, these up-and-downs are timed so well that you only catch the tail-end of the appraisal… at which point your appraiser will look away and you can begin your inspection of them at your leisure.

7.    The lack of variety. Every year, whether you watch an award show in person or catch the televised version days later, you see more or less the same faces. Our celebs (all 10 of them) may get older, fatter or thinner, but you can’t quibble about their longevity.

8.    The acceptance speeches. They’re usually so diplomatic. Why can’t somebody pull a Michael Moore, just to liven things up?

9.    The hunger. If you haven’t stashed your purse with some nibbles to last you through the night, you’ll soon start wondering if that glitzy dance routine was just a hallucination brought on by your stomach’s attempts to digest itself.

10.    That overwhelming urge to message/tweet all your friends about the outrageous off-camera celebrity antics you just witnessed — a desire that is totally at odds with the nonchalant vibe you’re trying to project.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, October 9^th, 2011.