1. Dear Aries: Bugger. The zodiac has officially conspired to make you its bugger-in-chief. Because only you know how to really bug the universe. Your passion (read aggression), unfailing sense of adventure (read aggression), and love for advantage (read aggression) have scarred your back from many unseen daggers.
2. Dear Taurus: You won’t be moved by this summation. Because you never do. Move, that is. Your efforts to remain stationary have pre-ordained you to eternal bovinity. (That’s not a word, by the way, but do you even care?) Your persistence at procrastinating helps you inch closer to your ultimate destination: Lazy-abad or Lucknow — whichever is closer.
3. Dear Gemini: Stop talking. No, really. You have got to shut your trap. Let someone else butt in, for a change. May be you could let them insert a hmmm, or an ahhhh, or even an ohhhh to your scintillant opinions about them? May be you could look up the meaning of Logorrhea? For now, inhale deeply. And hold.
4. Dear Cancer: What’s the matter, Puss? Did the mood-lighting fluctuate? Is the family eight seconds late for dinner? Is the solitude too noisy? Don’t get crabby now. Edge sideways, and contain your emotions. Come, now… don’t turn this into another issue. That’s better. Here’s your milk-bottle.
5. Dear Leo: After you have thrown caution to the wind, careered across the continents, undressed the seasons, made love on a cumulus, and, heck, even crapped on the lap of luxury, kindly pass the salt — and the spotlight.
6. Dear Libra: Your capacity to slut — did I say slut? — strut into diverse and engaging relationships is how your diplomatic nature seeks to balance the universe. A quality that demands much of your time and often has you running laid — damn these Freudian slips! — late.
7. Dear Scorpio: In your ruthless ambition to get to the top, you neither spare nor spur a friend or foe. You will disagree with this, but notice how your earthy colleagues, Virgo and Capricorn, have been reported missing.
8. Dear Sagittarius: As hard as it is to look back and pull yourself away from the crestfallen faces of your children, the zodiac understands how your cold independence, brutal honesty, and general apathy have left you with no recourse but the dogged pursuit of the next extramarital fling.
9. Dear Aquarius: At some point, when you reach the very depths of your soul, ask yourself why watching The
Little Mermaid and wanting to swap your world for hers is something that won’t float with most of humanity — and, eventually down the line, most fish.
10. Dear Pisces: The congenital liar you’ve befriended (out of the goodness of your heart), who has eaten you out of house and home and robbed you of your savings (including your heirlooms), was last seen breaking into your dreams and scavenging your spiritual life. So, try and book a wake-up call.
Published in The Express Tribune, July 4th, 2010.