I quit

Have you ever kept a promise to yourself? It feels great, at least until you break it for the first time. This Ramadan, I made a promise to myself to quit smoking. And I did it. For the most part. It was exhausting, exhilarating and energising. It was also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I joked to my wife that it felt so great to quit smoking that I should quit smoking every Ramadan.

My journey with smoking had an interesting beginning. I didn’t start smoking the way most Pakistani boys do — with their peers and in their teens. I picked up smoking when I was thirty and clinically depressed. I was alone and in a new country so it wasn’t social. It was a coping mechanism although I’m not completely sure to this day how it was supposed to help me cope. At that point though, I was in so deep on other issues that even my therapist was like if it’s helping you, keep smoking.

I never went crazy. Never smoked a pack a day or anything like that. But I’d have a few cigarettes a day and eventually it became a habit. It was the only time I had with myself. I could tune out the world and have a conversation with myself. It was a friend that didn’t let me down or judge me for my thoughts. Mostly though, I wasn’t thinking when I was smoking. I was just doing it. Not sure why I was doing it. But I kept doing it.

Eventually, I managed to get myself out of clinical depression but couldn’t come around to quit smoking. It was a sticky habit. Although for anyone who’s been clinically depressed, they’ll tell you that it takes a lot to dig yourself out of that. How could I quit clinical depression but not quit smoking? That’s how dangerous and seductive this habit is.

The journey to quitting began with honesty and dieting. Being honest with myself and those that I loved that I didn’t need to smoke anymore because my life was good and that I needed help. I wanted to live a long, healthy life. I got that at an intellectual level but it wasn’t good enough. I still didn’t have the willpower. Ramadan though has a way of flipping the script. In Ramadan, I’d be quitting smoking anyways during the day so why not take it all the way?

So I made an intention in December, three months before Ramadan to quit. I started dieting because I knew I’d gain weight during the quitting process and this was a great way for me to believe myself that I was serious this time. In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’ve tried quitting before but quit quitting plenty of times. The dieting worked well. I lost ten pounds in ten weeks and felt good about myself. I felt I could keep a promise to myself.

And so D day came. A week before Ramadan I tapered down to three smokes a day. I was supposed to quit at the end of week one in Ramadan but managed to do so after day two. I didn’t let myself overdo it by declaring this was going to be my last smoke but I knew I was ready. And I was pretty good for the first two weeks, which are the hardest. And then I gave in. I had a smoke. Then I stopped again for two weeks. And then I had a smoke again. This is tough. How long do I have to do this before I know I’ve quit and won’t start again? I don’t know but I guess this will be a lifelong thing. The good thing is that I feel more guilt than joy when I smoke now.

What I realise now though is that quitting isn’t just about stopping something but starting something new. I’m still struggling to find what that thing is but one of the things I’ve begun to enjoy is life itself. My whole life no longer revolves around the next hit. I’m actually trying to schedule things I enjoy and be more present in the moment. Let’s see how long this lasts but it’s kind of fun for now. And if I give up because it’s hard, I’ll find a way to quit again.

Published in The Express Tribune, May 28^th, 2023.

Like Opinion & Editorial on Facebook, follow @ETOpEd on Twitter to receive all updates on all our daily pieces.