I support the internet bans

A couple of days ago it was reported in this newspaper that the Lahore High Court may ban several websites and search engines, including Google, Yahoo, MSN, Amazon, Hotmail, YouTube and Bing. This all came about because a citizen in Bahawalpur decided that he was the sole protector of all things Islamic and filed a writ petition seeking the ban of these sites.

I for one, fully support this ban.

For too long, we have suffered from the immorality of the above mentioned websites. They invade our daily lives with their pornography and blatant disregard for the high moral standards we Pakistanis hold ourselves to. Most of you will argue that these sites are merely search engines not guilty of any offence on their own. Please. Spare me the naiveté. Each one of these websites is simply a hotbed for heathens, an island of idolatry, a den of depravity.

It doesn't take a genius to prove this point.

The answer lies in the titles themselves. Take for example “Amazon”. Do you know what an “Amazon” is? An Amazon refers to an ancient tribe of warrior women who subjugated all the men and ruled society themselves. The women made all the rules, took part in all conflicts and the men were relegated to being servants and tools for procreation. Can you imagine this living hell?

Where women are allowed to be free, independent and equal if not superior to men? I will not let this catastrophe happen.

Then of course there is Hotmail. To you simple minded folk out there, it might seem that it is merely a tool for you to send and receive mail. A simple non-offensive electronic mailbox. But listen to that word again: “Hotmail”. Doesn't it sound suspiciously like the term “Hot Male”. I assure you this is no accident. This is proof that Hotmail is trying to turn us all into homosexuals.

What's so offensive about Google you might ask? Nothing, (if you're stupid). But if you're smart enough to read between the lines, you'll see that Google is in fact a condensed version of the term “Go Ogle”. Is there anything more vile than this? A website giving us complete license to unabashedly stare at our women folk? We Pakistani men have a long and proud tradition of never staring at women in a lewd manner.

If we have started doing it now, it's simply because of the onslaught of western liberal technology that has destroyed our morals and forced us, for the first time, to view our women as sexual objects.

Don't even get me started on Yahoo and Bing. They aren't even complete words. They are just noises and exclamations. Exclamations of joy made by the Devil every time you click on them.

This time we were lucky that we have the chap from Bahawalpur who filed a petition to save us. Next time we might not be so lucky.

Published in The Express Tribune, June 28^th, 2010.