Of viziers and their ‘nuggets of wisdom’

“I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.” – Khalil Gibran

Let’s not be ungrateful. Let’s thank our viziers. At least for teaching us one thing: stay quite unless you’ve something valuable to say. They’ve been trolled on social media – not once, not twice, but a zillion times (hyperbolically) for their “nuggets of wisdom”. The drubbing wasn’t limited to cyberspace. The national media also gave them what they deserved for their sometimes preposterous, logic-defying defence of unpopular decisions. Inevitable, when you’ve too many talking-heads, mostly naïve or overzealous ideologues (suppose they’ve an ideology). Or, when you simply believe in shouting down your critics.

Pakistanis have had enough hard times. Not anymore. So says our prime minister. Economic prosperity awaits us in 2020, according to him. The omens are not good, though. The first month of the new year sprang up a surprise wheat flour crisis. Caught off-guard, the talking-heads were sent into a tizzy. And this is when some viziers stirred up storms on social media (thanks to Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg for giving everybody a voice). One minister advised us against eating white flour “because it causes colorectal cancer”. If Mr Google is the source of his “wisdom” (which I’m sure it is) then he should Google the whole list of carcinogenic elements. And I bet he’d wish to return to the hunter-gatherer lifestyle of our ancient ancestors. It didn’t end here. He went on to offer a clever solution for naanbais’ fix: reduce the roti’s weight because the government won’t allow a hike in price.

Last year, the same minister was miffed at a doctors’ strike. And he dissed them at a crowded presser: “They [doctors] would have been frying and peddling pakoras on the streets of Khyber Bazaar if the government had not given them jobs. They should be grateful.” The pakora slur (it shouldn’t be as such, though) fired up tempers. But the minister got away by laying the blame at media’s door: “My comments were taken out of context.” But he couldn’t claim an alibi for a live TV interview on the rupee depreciation. “Suppose we get a loan when a dollar is trading for Rs100, and then the exchange rate goes up to Rs150, wouldn’t we benefit,” he asked the anchor. Logic-defying! Isn’t it?

On the flour crisis, another vizier also had his two cents to offer. This Nostradamus of our politics is known for his prophecies (none of which has ever come true – at least as far as I can recall). Buying his logic (or lack thereof), we’ve ourselves to blame for the flour crisis because we increase the demand by “eating more rotis in winter”. You cannot beat that. But wait. We’ve a more (il)logical advice on the matter. “Eat one roti instead of two. The flour price would drop and then you’d be able to eat two and an half rotis,” said the governor of a province.

Last year, tomatoes were selling for Rs300 a kilo. And one vizier advised us to use yogurt instead because this would reverse the demand-pulled hike in the tomato price. While he taught us simple economics, our economic wizard gave us the shocker: “Tomatoes are available for Rs17 a kilo in the market.” I’m sure he has never been to a veg market. Neither did he ever care to find out the prices of kitchen items.

And then we’ve our social media-savvy vizier – first for information and now for sci-tech ministry. He knows the art of stealing the spotlight (for all the wrong reasons). In his first role, he did whatever he could to undo the phenomenal growth the media industry had mustered since the year 2000. Not only that, he also advised universities to close down their journalism and mass com departments because “jobs in the industry would dry up in future”. We can only assume he didn’t know his insensitive advice would create uncertainty among thousands of media students. Again, when he was assigned his current portfolio, he made a preposterous claim: “Pakistan will be sending its first manned mission to Moon in 2022. It’s not a big deal. We’re aiming for Mars in the next few years.” First, I thought he was joking. But he was not! Seriously!

It’d be unfair not to mention a young vizier who is always angry (or perhaps, he only looks angry). He’d swear on his life, no matter how trivial the matter. Of late, he got himself in a fix over a case that involves an opposition politician. As usual, he swore on his life to prove the case wasn’t fabricated. And that they have video evidence against the politician. When asked to cough up the evidence, he went back on his words: “I never spoke about any video. Instead I said we’ve footage.” And what he said next left media persons scratching their heads: “There is a difference between video and footage.”

The “nuggets of wisdom” are too many to count. And I’m sure all these viziers would say they were “misquoted or quoted out of context”. But wise men say, before you speak out, ask yourself, “Does this need to be said?” If not, keep quiet, because silence can never be misquoted.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 1^st, 2020.

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