Mr know it all

Tell your friends you’re suffering from some severe ailment that’s transferable through specks of saliva in your food.

Q. Dear Mr Know It All

My husband knows nothing about computers. Despite this, he claims he knows it all. The last time I had an issue with my laptop, he insisted on messing around with it, and I lost half my files. This time, I’m having another problem with my laptop, and I know as soon as I mention it he’ll demand that he fix it. I don’t want to say no because he gets terribly offended when I suggest that he isn’t the reincarnation of Steve Jobs. How can I rid him of his Mr-Fix-A-Lot fixation without hurting his feelings?

Clueless

A. First of all, please take the thing you said about Steve Jobs back. The guy may be a genius, but he’s a bigger douche bag (I’m not the only one who thinks so … there’s a Facebook group dedicated to his douche-baggery!) and comparing your husband—the man who loves you enough want to fix your things for you—to him is just plain wrong and might even require a bit of repentance! Now, coming back to the point in conversation, you have to remember that almost every man is guilty of a little misunderstood crime called ‘trying to impress women.’ When we’re dating, we tend to overspend; when we’re married, we offer to fix things for you. It may sound silly, but it’s our small way of showing you we’ll protect you and make things alright … since you don’t appreciate that, may I suggest something as erratic as NOT going to your husband with every little problem you have? Surely a 21st century strong, independent woman like yourself knows the directions to the repair shop?

Remember though, you may succeed in taking the man out of the DIY, but you can never take the DIY out of the man. So have a heart, be a good wife, and keep finding broken things around the house to feed your man’s appetite for fixing them … just like the cavewoman whose husband went on to make the wheel when he was actually just trying to fix her food processor!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All

We’re a group of three happily married girlfriends who like to get together and dine out once a week to just keep in touch, relax and catch up on each other’s lives, something we would never have the time to do otherwise. My problem is this:  both my friends subconsciously pick food off my plate when we’re eating and it drives me absolutely crazy! I think it’s very rude, especially when they order salads and then eat half my food too. How can I tell them to lay off without sounding condescending?

Territorial

A. Let me reemphasise one of life’s most important rules: thou shalt not, nor let others, creep around your neighbour’s plate for it is rude, unhygienic and unforgivably primitive!

You should tell your friends you’re suffering from some sort of a severe ailment that’s transferable through the specks of saliva in your food. That should keep them forks away … If for some sadistic reason it doesn’t, however, than I’m afraid you’ll have to get over your fear of sounding snobby and lay the issue on them! I happen to know a lot of people who suffer from the wild fork disorder, but all my close friends now know better than to dig into my plate because I’ve told them I might love them enough to drive them to the hospital after beating them up for touching my plate, for instance, but I’m still not crazy about tasting their saliva. It’s as simple as that! Besides, you never know when you might have to dine with the Queen. You gotta prepare!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All

I ran away with my guy at the beginning of this month. I came back to my folks within 10 days because I was feeling guilty about what I’d done. My parents consider my guy and his family really bad because he lives in Kashmir. He even sent a proposal for me after this incident. My dad told me that it was all up to me, that it was my decision. But the problem is that if I say yes to him, my dad will totally cut me off from my family after I marry him. If I say no, my life will be empty internally. So I just stayed quiet. My sisters have seen him and consider him a loving and caring guy but they can’t help me out. I am confused. Don’t know what to do…

On the fence

A. I’m trying really hard to see what I would have done in a situation like this, but I can’t. You know why? Because running away from home is a stupid, stupid thing to do and it isn’t even remotely romantic in the real world which, believe it or not, doesn’t bear any similarities whatsoever to what you and I grew up watching in Indian movies in the 90s.

You’re lucky your parents have taken you back in despite their stubbornness, and believe me you couldn’t thank them enough for doing so. Call it holier-than-thouism if you must, but our society is light-years away from fully letting kids make their own day-to-day decisions, let alone elope and then expect a warm round of heartfelt blessings from the family.

By running away instead of facing the challenge, you’ve both literally shredded to pieces all the respect your parents might have had for you. Salvaging that confidence will be hard work, but like I always say, there’s nothing in the world that can’t be done if there’s a clear mind and an open discussion involved!

First of all you’ll have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. To have loved someone so passionately and then having to watch that very love slip out of your hands must feel awful, but just like the most excruciating of physical pains, emotional pain fades out with time. Remember that. Along with the fact that this is not going to kill you or make your life empty. That’s just the depression talking, which you yourself will have to overcome if you want to stir this tragedy into the right direction.

Have you considered asking your parents what it is about being a Kashmiri that is so “bad” to begin with? Does he have a training-camp inspired beard that they don’t like? Does he not have a proper job? Or is there a khala ka beta in the picture somewhere who they’ve taken a fancy to instead? What are they so worried about? Involve your sisters in the picture and make them sing songs (not literally, obviously) about the guy’s loving and caring nature. Siblings don’t get to sit and enjoy the drama without playing a part in these sticky situations … What I’m saying is, if this guy’s really that important to you, I think it’s time for you to get over your qualms about losing the family and have a serious three-way discussion with your parents. Talk, talk and talk. Answer these and a hundred other questions that they might have before expecting them to open up to the possibility of letting you two be.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, July 24^th,  2011.