10 things I hate about simple girls

The simpleton will say something as inane as, “I love my cat” and get 500 Facebook likes in a matter of seconds.

1.    Their perfect genes. While I have to put four layers of foundation, three coats of eyeliner, smear red lipstick and don dominatrix heels to make myself appear human, the simple girl will daintily walk in with not even a speck of makeup, wearing a crescent white shalwar kurta paired with flats and still get everyone’s attention.

2.    Their simple minds. While I pose thought-provoking questions about war and suicide bombings on my Facebook profile, the simpleton will say something as inane as, “I love my cat” and get 500 likes in a matter of seconds.

3.    The lack of emotional baggage. Simple girls hardly ever get manic depressive, aggressive, angry, suicidal or anxious. Have you heard any simple girl go through a messy breakup, an identity crises, a divorce or even a bad haircut?

4.    How they’re constantly serenaded by Lollywood, Bollywood and Hollywood! Case in point: “Bholi si surat”! Shahrukh Khan will never sing a song titled “Chalaak si madeup surat”!

5.    Their ability to find Mr Right before they even hit puberty — leaving us grappling with Mr Wrongs, stumbling into Mr Absolutely Incorrects and bumping time and again into thousands of Mr What a Horrible Mistake!

6.    The rishtas they get at every lunch, shaadi and dinner. . . they’ll even get a rishta on their way to the grocery store. How easily they win the praise of sasu maas around the world, friend’s parents, and even your own parents without having a single accomplishment under their belt is beyond my understanding!

7.    Their disdain for us. Simple girls will only befriend simple girls and treat the non-simple girl as the pariah.

8.    Their supernatural ability to have perfect hair despite the high humidity, walk gracefully without ever tripping on their face, have their clothes free of wrinkles all the time — and the sheer power of never dropping gravy on their white joras.

9.    The ridiculously perfect body image. While I fall victim to every trend, fad and diet, they’re happy with themselves just the way they are: not two inches slimmer, not one inch bigger!

10.   The ability to age gracefully. While we end up looking like the surgically enhanced and messed up carcass of Joan Rivers, they end up looking twenty years younger than their actual age. Yes, Mahnoor Baloch — I’m talking about you!

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, May 8^th, 2011.