I am a 23-year-old engineering student and for the past eight years I have been in love with a girl whom I get to see only once in three months. I haven’t told her about my feelings for her. I am afraid to do that. I don’t know why. Maybe I am waiting to complete my studies, get a job and then propose to her. I cannot even contact her on social media due to her privacy settings. What should I do? Please advise.
Hesitant Guy
Dear Hesitant Guy,
Finding yourself in a situation in which love is one-sided can be really difficult. Especially so if your love interest is unaware of your feelings, as is your case. It is quite natural for us to be in love with someone one-sidedly and keep on loving them without informing them of our feelings with the hope that they might love us back too.
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In one-sided love, we normally don't want to take the risk of approaching the beloved and letting them know of our feelings because we fear the worst – what if they don't love us back and reject us or what if they are already in a relationship with someone else. Then everything will be over in the blink of an eye and we would be heart-broken. No doubt a broken heart is very painful but it is still better than deceiving ourselves.
I believe the first thing you need to do, before approaching her, is to try to find out if she already is in a relationship or not. May be she is engaged and is someone’s fiancée. You might be unaware of that. Therefore, first find out if she is single and available or not.
The second thing that you should do, if she is still single, is to try to find out as much about her as possible without becoming a stalker. You need to know what kind of a person she is. Right now you hardly know the girl with whom you are in love. Do you really know this person or do you just know about her? Have you talked with her, gotten to know what she likes and really seen her personality? Or do you love your perception of her? You can't truly be in love with someone you don't actually know.
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According to you, you get to see her once in three months. That means you really don’t know her that well. You don’t know what sort of a person she is and whether you will be happy with her or not if fate brings you two together. If you don't have a relationship with this person – this is someone you admire from afar and have barely interacted with her – then you are perhaps experiencing an infatuation, and not necessarily love.
If you find out that she is single and also have an idea of what kind of a person she is and you still want to be with her then I believe you should not wait any longer in telling the girl about your feelings. You have waited long enough – eight years – and now it's time that you approach her and make her aware of your feelings for her. Go ahead and tell that girl how you feel about her. You never know – her response might be positive.
Waiting to complete your studies and then proposing to her is a good idea in the sense that you will be stable and will have more chances of being taken seriously by her or her family if you ask for her hand in marriage. But the problem with waiting till the time you have finished your studies and have a job in hand is that by that time she might already be committed to someone else (if she already is not so). Keeping this in mind I would very strongly suggest that you let the girl know about your feelings for her. Do not wait any longer to disclose to her how you feel about her.
The way I see it if you let her know of your feelings, there is a fifty percent chance that she might say yes and a fifty percent chance she may say no. So the chances are equal. But if you don’t approach her then the chances of you not being with her are hundred percent. Therefore, muster up some courage and take the risk of letting her know your feelings for her.
Note: A word of caution here. The girl might have feelings for someone else or might already be in a relationship. Keep this in mind. Therefore, when you approach her, do not fool yourself in believing she is still single. Otherwise you might end up hurting yourself even more.
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After you have conveyed your interest to that girl and you find out that she is already committed or not interested in you then please try not to take it to heart too much. Then it should be time to stop imagining about her. It's the best way to limit your attachment. You cannot force someone into a relationship. If she does not want a relationship, respect her decision and also appreciate her for being so clear about it.
You will, of course, feel sad and lonely, or you may feel stronger emotions like worthlessness or self-doubt. It's perfectly fine to feel these things. But it should only be temporary. If that girl turns you down it doesn’t mean that there is any fault in you or you are unlovable. No! What it means that there is someone else out there for you who will better appreciate you for the person you are. Wait for someone who would really want to be with you. Remember there will be someone someday as your life partner who you will be able to love and receive love in return. Therefore, don’t lose hope. Sooner or later you will find someone with whom you will be happy.
All the best!
Asad
Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at advice@tribune.com.pk with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.
Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.
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