10 things I hate about flying economy

Seeing the itchy and scratc­hy show from almost all the men on the plane is unbear­able.

1.     Seeing the itchy and scratchy show from almost all the men on the plane. We know you’re uncomfortable, sitting in such close quarters with so many people on such tiny seats. But do you have to start from the  moment the plane takes off?

2.    People who get up as soon as the plane takes off and grab as many seats as possible to sleep on. What makes you think you deserve four seats while I have to sleep in a fetal position on my 10 centimetre seat?

3.   Never finding the guy who steals all the toiletries in the lavatory, extra blankets, headphones, and even your life jacket within the first fifteen seconds of the flight. God knows where he’ll be using that once he’s off the plane!

4.    The army sergeants they call airhostesses. It seems as if they round up the rudest, most incompetent and slow staff from the entire country to serve in the  economy section of the plane.

5.    How the little TVs in front of everyone work perfectly . . . except yours.

6.    Running into the ex-boyfriend when you’re drooly, snotty and sleepy, jumping on one leg, hoping that the vacant light would flash right about NOW!

7.     The pokemons at the back who decide to give you a

special pokey-finger massage from the back of your seat when you’ve finally fallen asleep.

8.   Even the landings are more chaotic and shaky at the back of the plane!

9.    Despite all the warnings, safety drills and airhostess barks, the entire crowd will get up before the plane touches the ground and get their bags out of the overhead compartments as if someone else will run away with them.

10.    The fifty conversations that ensue on quickly switched on cell phones as soon as the plane lands. “Haan puttar, mein agaya!” To which all ‘puttars’ reply, “Meray liye kia laye?”

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, April 24^th, 2011.