Ask Asad: I don't know what I want after two most important people in my life have left me

Dear Asad,

I am a 24-year-old Pakistani girl, who is working in Dubai and making a fair amount of money. It has just been eight months since I completed my MBA and I am quite satisfied with my job too.

I had a disturbed childhood. My father married another woman and moved to Dubai when I was only two. After a year, he started supporting his old family financially. My elder sister was a bright student, who held several scholarships throughout her academic career. After her bachelors, she requested our father to call her to Dubai so that she could do her masters there. Initially, he did not like the idea but later called her. When I completed my bachelors, I also joined my elder sister in Dubai for my MBA. 



We used to live with our stepmother and stepsister. Though our stepsister loved me a lot, there were times when our stepmother created problems between us.

I met a guy at my university. We became best friends in a short time. We used to sit and talk for hours. He was the first person I opened up to about my family issues.

My elder sister married an Indian guy and, as expected, my father was against it. He made it clear to my sister that if she married him, he would disown her. Even then, my sister married him.

Our father not only disowned my sister, he also abandoned my younger sister and me. He sent me back to Pakistan when I was in the middle of my MBA. At that moment, I took a bold step of coming to Dubai on my own. I struggled a lot at first. I had to stay with my newlywed sister and brother-in-law in their one-room apartment. It was a tough time for me but soon, I got a job and moved into a nice bed space with an Indian girl, who is now my best friend.

During all this time, the guy I met at the university, supported me and it did not take us long to fall in love. He pampered me 24/7, looking, after all, my basic needs.

One day, he came to me, very disturbed and suddenly burst into tears. His parents had fixed his marriage with a girl in their family. He said he had tried to convince them to accept me but they refused to do so. We both accepted their decision. It was September 1, when I last spoke to him. The next day, it was his nikah. He never contacted me since then although I never blocked him from any of the channels from where he could get in touch with me. 



I want him to be happy, I cannot even imagine creating a mess in his new life, and this is why I never messaged him too. I still love him for making me a strong person when I was going through a bad phase of life. Nevertheless, my friends think, he ditched me and lied to me about not being able to convince his parents. I do not think the same way but yes, I do want to talk to him because we were also good friends.

At times, I break down and miss him so badly that I even think of quitting my job and going back to Pakistan. Since I support my family, I cannot even do this. I feel extremely lonely. My father lives just a few kilometres away but I cannot meet him or speak to him.

I even tried going through counselling sessions, but I am so bad at expressing myself that it never worked for me. Two most important people, on whom my life always depended, have left me. Even when a new person tries to show interest in me, I start ignoring him. Please help because I think, I do even not know what I want in my life.

A lost wanderer

 

 

Dear lost wanderer,

Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your personal problems. I really appreciate that. Life certainly has been tough on you, in many ways.

You had a disturbed childhood without a father, had a tough time dealing with your stepmother, your father abandoned and later disowned you and sent you back to Pakistan. You also struggled on your own to look for a place to live and a job.



It is sad that you were not been able to marry the guy whom you loved and that, he left you completely and cut off all the contacts. Your father lived nearby but still, you could not reach out to him when you needed him. It is very natural that you felt lonely because the two most important men in your life left you.

On the other hand, however, there have been a few positive things in your life too.

You had a loving and supporting sister and brother-in-law and were able to do your MBA in Dubai. You found a new best friend, a job that let you support your family financially and lastly, you had the dignity and sense not to chase the guy after he was not in your life.

Life, surely, has been a rollercoaster ride for you with one incident happening after another. You have been very brave and patient during all this period. Not everyone can be like that.

Sometimes people are sent in our lives for a reason. They only stay until the very reason is there and once, the reason is gone, they also go away from our lives.

Fate got you close to a person who was there with you when you needed him the most. Like you said, he was there with you 24/7, took care of all your needs, protected you and made you strong when you were weak and most importantly he never lied to you.

Unfortunately, things did not work out as you both wanted them to and he had to marry a girl of his parents' choice. This is sad and must have been hard for both of you, especially, for you because you were left all alone again.

I am sure, you love him and still miss him but the fact is, he has gone and most probably, he will not be coming back.



He was in your life for some time, you both were happy but then he had to leave. The time you spent with him was a good one. Do not let those memories turn into negative ones just because he does not call or message you or, for that matter, because your friends believe that he has ditched you. This might not be true. He might have been completely honest with you and the reason he gave you for leaving must be true too. Go with that assumption and do not ruin your old association with him.

When we look back at our lives, we see that our lives are made up of memories – good or bad. The more the good memories, the happier we will be. Try to move on with good memories only. Trust me, life definitely has better plans for you and it is important that you never lose hope.

I cannot believe that your father has forgotten you. Do try to contact him and see how it goes. Maybe he might have become more accommodating by now.

The feeling of being lost is a very natural. Do not let it scare you because it is temporary and with time, this feeling will fade away. For now, try to enjoy your time alone. Make new friends, take up new hobbies, travel and study further, etc. Try to do things that you might not get time for later when you will find a new love and yes, you will find it. It is just a matter of time.

I believe going for consultation/counselling is a good idea and you go for it again. There are quite a few good counsellors in Dubai. Only a right counsellor will be able to help you not only with your issues but also with the skill of expressing yourself.

All the best!

Asad

 

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.