Ask Asad: I am stalking an older woman on WhatsApp. How should I stop myself?

Although we are not in a relationship and she is free to talk to anyone she wants to but I think I am getting jealous

Asad Shafi July 03, 2017

Dear Asad,

I am a 30-year-old single man. For the last one month, I have been talking to a girl who is older than me. According to her, she is 35 and still not married. I have not seen her but she has an idea of me through my pictures.

We have been talking almost every day on WhatsApp and now, I am used to her. You can say that I am now kind of addicted to her, a little bit. But we are just good friends. I have been teasing her often by saying that ‘I will marry you if I do not find any girl of my age or younger than me’. She always took the conversation sportingly and never minded it. Once she told me that she was also talking to other guys, and then I felt hurt. 

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Although we are not in a relationship and she is free to talk to anyone she wants to but I think I am getting jealous. I now even stalk her on WhatsApp. I know it is wrong but I am unable to stop myself. Please suggest me a solution to avoid this situation and how that I should mind my own business.

A stalker



Dear stalker,

Thank you for reaching out to me and being so honest about your problem. You realise that you have a stalking problem and it is the first step to recovery.

Just do not stalk her because this makes you a desperate person and a creep. Please, pardon my language but I am just being honest here.

She seems like a frank and mature person who has been straight with you and has not made any false promises so far. She has been very clear that she is in communication with other potential suitors – which is her right – and does not want you to have any false hopes. It is her life and she has every right to follow any step that she believes is best for her happiness and future.

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I would like to take the liberty here of suggesting that you are actually not in love with her. You are just infatuated with her. Only because she is talking to other guys, you are getting disturbed. If she were to stop talking with other guys and only talk to you, you would start losing interest in her pretty fast. Basically, it is your pride that is taking a beating since you feel that you are replaceable in her life.

The way I see it, you have two choices. Either you can keep on stalking her and eventually lose her friendship or you can come to terms with the fact that she is only interested in you as a good friend and you both continue that way. My advice is for the latter. Good friends are hard to come by. Cherish your friendship with her. Do not lose it because of your silly jealousy. It is not worth it.

As for as, how you should control yourself from stalking her is concerned, I think, the following steps should be helpful for you.

1) Start looking for someone who is in the age group that you want to marry into rather than spending your time stalking a woman whom you believe is too old for you.

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2) Practice self-control to give you more control over yourself and your emotions. Whenever you feel like stalking her, tell yourself it is wrong and psychotic and that you are a better person than this.

3) Try to distract yourself by engaging in some kind of an activity whenever you feel like stalking her. Go for a walk, watch TV, read a book or do anything that will help you take your mind off her.

4) Whenever you feel the urge to stalk her, stalk celebrities instead. Celebrities are always doing neurotic, self-absorbed stuff that will not make you feel crummy when you look at it. Moreover, they essentially make a living off of being spied on. It is a win-win situation for everyone.

All the best!



Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [email protected] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.


ToThePoint | 4 years ago | Reply Firstly, you should know that your teasing remarks about "marrying her IF you don't find someone else" is extremely insulting behavior towards that girl. Secondly, if you want to stop, then just stop. It is a difficult decision but there is no way around it. No one else can help you if you don't help yourself.
Temoor ahmad | 4 years ago | Reply why people are against early marriages (17-18). Although they now that boyfriend and girlfriend trend is so popular in teenagers
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