Ask Asad: My girlfriend has suicidal tendencies. How should I break up with her?

I love her and do everything I can to please her but she does not trust me at all

Dear Asad,

Here is a little background for you to understand my current situation. I have been with a girl for more than three years now. We both are almost 20 years old. I am currently studying and she is on a gap year.

Our first year was really good but then things began messing up gradually. We started having bad patches after every three months and then frequently. Neither of us knew what was happening. Now we are at a point that she has lost trust in me. She always accuses me of lying and has placed all sorts of restrictions on me. She even harms herself by taking sleeping pills and gets anxiety attacks at times. 



For at least one and a half hours, I have to talk to her daily, no matter what. I am bound to pick her calls and message her all the time, except when I am taking classes. I cannot talk to other girls and be friends with them.

I used to be very sporty but it is not the case anymore. In my last semester, I merely dodged an academic probation. I want to fix my GPA in the next semesters but I am stuck in my schedule as per her design that I am unable to do so.  I love her and that is why I try to do everything I can to please her. But we fight a lot now on small issues almost every day. We fight if she gets my text a minute late or even if I am sitting with my male friends and their female friends. Our fights ruin her mood and make her cry. Although, I always tell her that I care about her.

The most dreadful part is that she has now become suicidal. One bad day, she took sleeping pills. She even has attempted to hang herself thrice.

Problem is that she is never satisfied with me and my efforts to fix things between us. I hardly give any time to my family. I have to leave when I am with my friends. I do admit that I have broken her trust a couple of times by hiding a few things, for instance, getting high for the first time, only because I did not want her to judge me.

I roam around alone in the university now and prefer to stay alone because my old friends have made new friends and since the new friends' group also includes girls, I cannot sit with them to avoid a fight with my girlfriend.

During all this time, I kept on trying to fix things instead of breaking up with her because I really love her. I dread if she kills or harms herself because of me. I will not be able to live knowing that I killed someone. 



We have had real great times together but those times seem too distant now. I feel awful for ruining her life and she too makes me feel bad about myself. I get always taunts from her for responding late, I get taunts from my friends, my parents and even new people I meet at the university for being always busy on the phone.

I feel stuck in life. I cannot make new friends because I am always texting her. I just do not know what to do, how to fix things or how even to break up with her without hurting her feelings.

I am really confused and need your help.

A lost guy

 

 

Dear lost guy,

I do not believe the part where you have mentioned in your letter that neither of you knew why things went sour between you two. Nothing happens without a reason.

What reasons does your girlfriend give for not trusting you at all? There must be her explanations. Her suspicions cannot be unfounded unless she suffers from hallucinations. You have said that you hid from her when you got high for the first time. Are there any other secrets that have you hidden from her? Does she have other valid reasons for not trusting you? Is that why she is so insecure?



If you have been honest to me in your letter and there is actually nothing that you have done to make her doubt you this much, then you should not blame yourself for her anxiety attacks, her suicidal attempts and her insecurities. But if you have done anything wrong that she is behaving like this, then you have a moral duty to try fixing things as much as you can.

With what you have told me about her, she seems to be a person who has serious personality issues. She is suffering from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. She definitely needs therapy and should see a psychiatrist or psychologist. Why? Because it is not normal to act or react the way she has been, as per your letter. She is emotionally blackmailing you. Being an emotionally insecure person, she is also suffering from low self-esteem. There could be many reasons for it. Some might have to do with you, some might not. I can also get from your letter that she does not respect you at all. She treats you according to her mood. When she is in the mood of talking to you, she lets you talk to her and when she is not in that very mood, she asks you to leave. Where is the mutual love and respect between you two?

Basically, you are in a toxic relationship where you are made to feel guilty all the time and are taunted regularly. You have to account for every minute of your time and this way, you are losing your self-respect. You have stated that you ruin her mood and make her cry. This is your guilt speaking which she has cultivated in you meticulously. You have reached a point in your relationship where you are willingly taking the blame for everything negative and are also accepting it.



You are trying to make her happy but she is still unhappy and blames you for everything wrong. This is a typical tactic of ‘emotionally abusive’ people who they try to make others feel guilty to control them. She is also using the same tactic on you. She makes you feel guilty and then you try harder to please her. You are being manipulated by her tears and suicide threats and attempt, etc.

She needs professional help and please remember, any responsibility or blame for her suicidal attempts does not lie with you.

At 20, you are studying at one of the leading universities in the country. You must have worked hard to get admitted there for a great career in life. But you are also risking your career because of this girl. Your results are poor; you have no social circle, no time for family, no hobbies and even no time for yourself. Ask yourself if this is what you always wanted in life. I am sure she knows and understands how her demands are spoiling your life too but she is unwilling to sympathise and let you have some time for yourself. She is playing with you through your emotions.

My advice to you is to have a one-on-one serious discussion with her. Be brutally honest with her and tell her how her authoritative and manipulative nature is spoiling your relationship and badly impacting your life. Do not hold anything back. Let her know how you feel. Tell her about the emotional and physical turmoil that you are going through. Tell her how strongly you believe that there is something deeply wrong in your relationship and it is important to correct it. However, do not just talk to her, listen to her also. Encourage her to be open during the discussion and tell you honestly why she does not trust you. If her reasons are valid then see what you both can do as a couple to remove her doubts without any fights. It is important that you be open, fair, impartial, non-judgmental and brave while talking to her.

If she truly loves you and wants to be with you, she will hopefully agree to work with you for making your relationship better. But, if she does not, then you need to decide how long you are going to suffer the abuse in your relationship. Believe me, it is just a matter of time and sooner or later you will give up this relationship and you will not be wrong in doing so.

Because you love her and everyone deserves a second chance, I will advise you to make things work with her but with a condition that you no longer accept to be exploited and disrespected. If this works, it will be awesome for both of you. But, if it does not, then simply walk away and do not feel guilty about it.

All the best!

Asad

 

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.