An enduring legacy of wit and humour

At last I’m able to laugh about my father, Salmaan Taseer, and remember the good times without anger and sadness. More than six years after his death, I found myself at a dinner table, with the company coiled in helpless laughter over my Abba stories. On May 31^st, we would have celebrated his 73^rd birthday. I’m happy to share the lighthearted side and humour of Salmaan Taseer.

Abba had the most wicked sense of humour. Friends, relatives or his children were not immune from his tricks, pranks and one-liners, and all who knew him will attest to his fun and vivacious side. Spontaneously he managed to pull out the comic side of a situation. When things were not funny, he would create situations that were. He had names for people, and had a knack for breaking the ice with a witty comment.

He had a bee in his bonnet about everyone in the house rising and shining at an unearthly early hour. He loved mornings and insisted everyone gather round for an early breakfast. When asked why he was so focused on the morning, he answered wryly that it was an old jail habit. (My father had been incarcerated many times because of his political views under Gen Ziaul Haq and Nawaz Sharif governments). On regularly finding us kids still snoring in bed as he sipped his early morning tea, he devised novel ways of waking us up. One favourite he reserved for my sister Sanam was shoving his huge ungainly and very slobbery (and smelly) bulldogs under her covers while she slept! Scared from being repeatedly woken up by bulldog slurps all over her body, Sanam still wakes up at the crack of dawn!

His age-long political rival Nawaz Sharif was not excused from his pranks, and he chose Valentine’s Day 2010 to send a beautiful bouquet of roses to Sharif who had criticised him at an Islamabad conference. Abba, on the day celebrating love, counting the PML-N chief as one of his admirers. The governor while sending the roses expressed joy and happiness on being on Sharif’s list of the admired. He also thanked Mian Nawaz Sharif for remembering him in the press conference in Islamabad. The incident went viral on news blogs and the press. Sharif was irked and my father had a jolly good laugh.

When mobile phones had newly become part of our lives in the 1980s, he decided to have fun with his new brick- sized gadget. He was in the bathroom with the newly acquired phone….the traditional landline rung. I answered, and a French sounding gentleman on the other end requested to speak to my father. I knocked on the bathroom door and he said he was not able to speak to anyone as he was sitting on the throne. I told the Frenchman on the phone who said he was calling from the French Embassy and simply must speak to Mr Taseer. Once more I knocked on the bathroom door. Abba’s irritated voice replied and gave me details of what he was up to in the loo which made it impossible for him to attend the call.

Since I could not reveal all those details to the caller, I simply picked up the phone and told the Frenchman that my dad was “busy”. “Is he in the bathroom?” the Frenchman asked. I hesitated, and said he was. Is he doing some nasty business there, was the next question and further questions followed asking about all the unspeakable throne details Abba had just revealed to me. I was aghast, and shut the phone in horror and confusion. I ran to the bathroom to tell Abba that the Frenchman had been horrifically graphic….to which I heard him having a good laugh in the bathroom, revealing that it was he pretending to be a Frenchman.

One weekend morning in the ‘90s as he was reading the morning classifieds in the newspaper, he chanced upon an advert selling antique furniture. He looked further to see his good friend Najam Sethi was the seller. Given his mischevious nature, he couldn’t let this opportunity pass without some fun. Very good at accents, he called up Mr Sethi as an Arab and inquired about the prized antiques. He told the excited Mr Sethi that he was a visiting Sheikh who was an avid collector of antique furniture and would buy the entire lot and offered an exorbitant price, saying he could not wait to collect the pieces and would be at Mr Sethi’s residence before the hour was up in his new white Mercedes.

Abba was not one to let his prank end there, and sauntered off to Sethi’s Lahore home, and entered saying he had dropped in for morning tea and a weekend breakfast with his old friend. Mr Sethi who was expecting an Arab billionaire, was most agitated to see Mr Taseer stroll in at this time of the morning. “Partner,” he said to Taseer, “This is really not a good time”. He told his friend he was expecting some important foreign guests and Taseer should perhaps meet up another more convenient time. Not to be deterred, Taseer looked hurt and offended and dug his heels in about the tea and “desi” breakfast, enquiring who on earth Sethi was expecting so early on a Sunday morning. Exasperated, Mr Sethi revealed that some Arab friends were due. Feigning surprise, Taseer asked Mr Sethi if they were due in a white Mercedes. Mr Sethi nodded in confusion, and then Taseer proceeded to inform him that on his way over, he had met some Arabs in a white car looking for Mr Sethi’s house to buy some furniture. He said he had told them to be on their way as they were surely under some misunderstanding about his journalist friend who had no interest in the furniture business! As you can imagine the aghast Mr Sethi who could not believe how Taseer had ruined his treasured imminent transaction! He soon realised Taseer’s prank and the story has coloured many conversations since.

On Twitter he was very entertaining and his razor sharp wit was legendary, often directed at me. Here are some examples:

• I’ve decided to sacrifice something dear to me for Eid. Where are you Sara?

• My daughter Sara is going to Spain to watch the football final! Somebody forgot to tell her it is in South Africa!

• A thief stole my credit card a week ago but I didn’t report it because I saw he was spending less money than my wife. True!

• My wit is not appreciated by all. Someone agitated ‘no governor in the universe Twitters like you’. I took it as a compliment.

• After my interview on Dunya TV tonight I will consider opening an exclusive ST fan club. Minimum requirement under 80 with a heartbeat!

• I’m surprised to see Nawaz Sharif complaint at Babar Awan using private planes as he and Sharif family use Punjab governor plane like a rickshaw.

• Sharifs are transporting Paul the Octopus to Raiwind to predict their future! I’m afraid he may end up in their Paya if he tells the truth.

• Tried for Angelina Jolie to accompany me to Muz’grh but got Farzana Raja. Sare khawashat pure Nahin hote.

• Watching horror movie on HBO or Rana Sanaullah Ijaz Haq Ikram Sehgal on talk shows? Chose HBO its less scary.

I hope I’ve been able to offer a sprinkling of his boisterous and vivacious side. Most who knew him can tell a good yarn about him, and his larger-than-life personality remains part of his very broad legacy.

Published in The Express Tribune, June 1^st, 2017.

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