Ask Asad: How do I overcome low self-esteem?

An episode in my life has destroyed my personality that I now feel scared and nervous talking to people

Dear Asad,

I am a 21-year-old girl, currently studying at a famous university. I have been always told that I am an intelligent, pretty and sweet girl. But, for some reason, I have been convincing myself that I am ugly and full of flaws.

I have always been a shy person. In fourth grade, there was a girl in my school who always made fun of me, called me with weird names and kept telling me that I am ugly. She was extremely popular in the school and had several friends who also joined her gang. Since I was painfully shy, there was never anybody on my side. As a helpless victim of bullying, I used to lock myself in my bedroom and cry for hours. But then when I moved to sixth grade, she left the school. 



From that day, I have completely lost my self-esteem and self-confidence. That episode in my life has destroyed my personality. I could make only one friend during the school days. Later, the number of my friends went up when I moved to high school. I had a big group of friends but even then, I always used to think that I am not a great friend.

I could not speak properly during class lectures and this is the reason why when my teachers asked me questions, I never answered them confidently and looked blank. Even with friends, I just do not know what to talk about and so, always stayed aloof while an argument went on around me. Even now, I feel scared and nervous while talking to people in a social gathering and it is actually hard for me to make new friends.

My confidence level is zero. Please help.

A depressed soul

 

Dear depressed soul,

Self-esteem is a feeling of being worthy, deserving and happy with your own character and abilities. While low self-esteem is a lack of faith in our abilities and competence. It usually influences every aspect of our lives and ultimately, the feeling worsens because of overthinking and our behaviour.

Where does low self-esteem come from?

We are not born with low self-esteem. It often starts with external events such as abusive experiences – which is true in your case. You are lucky that you know when exactly and how you developed low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem, at times, begins during childhood. Abuse by family members or by strangers at an early age hits badly on our self-esteem because it harms our image. Many of us are bullied at school as children. Typically, aggressive, immature and emotionally disturbed children are the abusers, but the experience a victim suffers is for a lifetime. What we see, hear and experience in the childhood – in our families, in the wider community and at school – influences the way we see ourselves. But, low self-esteem grows because of our belief systems. If our experiences have been negative, our beliefs about ourselves are likely to be negative too and vice versa



Since such beliefs are usually created in our childhood, they are often inaccurate, biased and naive. Most likely, they were formed on the basis of a misunderstanding about our experiences because we were not mature enough to understand them properly. But once these beliefs are developed, it is difficult to question them.

Effects of low self-esteem

Having low self-esteem does not only influence our emotional state at a given moment; it also can have long-term impacts on our lives, such as:

1- Negative feeling: Low self-esteem can force us to tolerate abusive relationships because we think that we deserve such treatments

2- Bad attitude: Bullying or abusing other people in return

3- Fear: Low self-esteem makes us afraid of obtaining goals and we become unable to think that we can ever get close to them

4- Perfectionists: We try to make up for our own perceived flaws as perfectionists

5- Zero confidence: We always feel nervous about our personalities and think people must be feeling negative about us

6- Stress: Having a low threshold for stress

7- Addictions: We start experimenting with drugs and other addictive things that can harm our bodies

8- Psychological issues: Depression, anxiety, restlessness, over-eating, under-eating, insomnia, lack of physical activity, perhaps even suicidal or self-destructive thoughts or actions come into play

9-Difficulty in socialising: Low self-esteem stops us from healthy social interactions. We fear if we get close to someone either we will hurt them or we will get hurt.

Low self-esteem can be tackled if we take the following steps:

Combat negative thoughts

Negative thinking is the root cause of low self-esteem. You may not realise but you are telling yourself that you do not deserve to be happy because you are not good enough. Such thoughts paralyse you. Do not indulge in self-criticism since low self-esteem feeds on negative thoughts. Why are you waging a war against yourself?  Tell yourself that "I will NOT continue the legacy of my abuser." This sentence will empower you to move forward with confidence. Use it as a shield against negative thoughts.



You must also identify when negative thoughts are overcoming you and find ways to ignore them. Listen to your feelings and write them down. If you find yourself blaming someone else, stop and ask yourself what they have done wrong? Or if you have done something, think…do you have the power to change it? The more you are able to take responsibility for your thoughts, the more in control you will be. Change negative thoughts about yourself. For example, tell yourself that you look nice today, tell yourself that you do many good things every day and give some examples. Do this exercise and keep a track of your positive thoughts. Read them before you go to bed and when you are up the next morning. Try to focus on positive and constructive thoughts. Remember that you are a special person that deserves love and respect from others and from yourself.

Take care of yourself

Do not spend a lot of your time worrying and caring about others that you start neglecting your own physical and mental well-being. By looking after yourself, you can improve your self-esteem. The healthier your mind and body are, the more you will be satisfied with yourself.

Exercise

Studies have shown that exercise can give a real boost to self-esteem by releasing ‘happy chemicals’ called endorphins. This will make you feel good about yourself and you can see the world in a different way. Walking daily or a 30-minute intense workout thrice a week is enough to release endorphins into your system. Exercising daily also helps to improve self-esteem.

Practice deep breathing

Deep breathing relaxes mind and body. By breathing deep, you can enjoy any moment. As you breathe, remind yourself that you are safe. Imagine someone, something, or even a place that makes you feel safe. This can be your "safe place" where you can go to when a flashback or memory floods your brain. Imagine a feeling of relaxation and warmth around you and appreciate what you have and where you are.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is a technique that helps you observe your emotions. The idea behind mindfulness is that you need to acknowledge and experience your emotions - even the negative ones - before you can let them go. Mindfulness is not easy, but the idea is to practice it without getting caught up. As per studies, mindfulness-based therapy facilitates self-acceptance. Find a quiet space to practice it. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing. Count the inhales and exhales. Your mind will wander. Let it wander. Take note of what you are feeling. Do not judge it; just be aware of it. This will help you learn about coping with negative feelings without actually trying to change them.



Think about your accomplishments

Problems with self-esteem are often linked with feelings that you are unsuccessful. A good cure for this emotion is to set and meet a goal. Even small accomplishments can make you feel more confident and positive. Start with your own home. Clean your home or fix your wardrobe and see how you feel after finishing such tasks. You might not be giving enough credit to yourself for things you already have done in your life. Impress yourself, not others. Take some time out to look back.

Hang out with positive people

Avoid people who are negative. If you want to boost your self-esteem, then surround yourself with people who are positive, supportive, and kind. Be with people who love you and genuinely care about you and accept you for who you are and only want the best for you. Pick your friends and company carefully. Beware of people who can undermine you or make you feel bad about yourself.

Stop comparing yourself with others

Comparing yourself with others almost always results in low self-esteem. The more you compare yourself with others, the more you will feel less confident. Such comparisons are totally unfair. You should focus on yourself. Compete against yourself only if you want to improve yourself, and do not worry about what others do or think. Remember, not everyone is good at everything.

Set personal boundaries

It is your responsibility to let your family and friends, as well as acquaintances, peers, and co-workers, know the way you want to be treated. Some attitudes of people can have a direct impact on your self-esteem if you continue to bear them for a longer period.



Be yourself

Do not try to be like someone else. You are unique and you cannot be someone else. Strive to improve without criticising yourself. Pretending to be someone that you are not is like being a cheat. This will impact you badly. Your personality or core identity is not connected with your job, your family, your friends or anything external. Know that you have the right to be yourself. Practice being real in front of others such as your boss and your teacher and ask them questions, tell them your opinions, and engage in constructive conversation.

Be kind to yourself

When you are managing low self-esteem, it is easy to blame yourself. But, be generous to yourself. Studies have suggested that self-compassion has numerous benefits, including mental well-being, life satisfaction, and lower self-criticism. The road to change, particularly after a trauma, is not a straight path. Healing is a slow process. Some days are good and some are bad. If you are going through a difficult day, acknowledge it without any shame or guilt.

Be kind to others

Try being nice to others also. Studies have shown that people who help others feel happier and have a higher self-esteem. Feelings of social connectedness that accompany volunteering or helping others make us feel positive about ourselves. Find an organisation with a cause and volunteer. This way you will benefit the organisation and feel good that you helped someone out.

Remember, nothing is perfect

Yes, nobody is perfect. You are never going to get a perfect life, a perfect body, a perfect family and even a perfect job. Neither will anyone else. Perfection is an artificial notion created and proliferated by our society. Try to make something close to perfect with hard work. Do not let a pressure to be perfect hold you back from taking challenges and tasks. Accept you are a human being and that human beings are imperfect and make mistakes.

Adjust your self-image as needed

You change with time, and you need to update your perception of yourself. For example, increasing your self-esteem is pointless if your image about yourself is not accurate. Maybe as a kid, you were really good at math but now you can barely do calculations. Adjust your perception of yourself to match up with the realities of your life. Evaluate yourself based on your skills, interests, and beliefs, and not on your past.

Seek counselling

If you feel that you are unable to improve your self-esteem, you may want to see a therapist who can help you identify and deal with the causes of your problem. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is an ideal approach for tackling low self-esteem. It offers a framework for understanding how the problem developed and what kept it going. It will address your automatic negative thoughts about yourself and teach you how to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. It provides a practical approach for changing those beliefs. For more complex self-esteem issues, an in-depth psychodynamic therapy may be a better option.

The aforementioned suggestions are only steps that you can take to get your confidence back. Keep this in mind that others will try to knock you down but you need to be strong. Trust your intuition and take make the right decisions.

All the best!

Asad

 

Asad is a counsellor, life coach, inspirational speaker and a personal-development expert. He advises on social, personal and emotional issues. You can send him your questions for this weekly column at [e-mail] with “Ask Asad” mentioned in the subject line and provide as many details as possible.

Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Express Tribune.