Nawaz, Imran and Zardari share New Year resolutions

Here's what Pakistani leaders aspire to do in 2017

With New Year comes new resolutions and in an investigative scoop, The Express Tribune has learnt what Pakistani politicians aspire to do in 2017. In a pre-emptive move, before the Prime Minister House issues a denial, we want to state the information was confirmed by two-and-a-half reliable sources and we stand by our story.

Nawaz Sharif

- Stay as the prime minister of Pakistan

- Pray that my pick for army chief be good for me for once

- Eat healthy - I had a heart operation last year and so I should move from five plates of nalli nihari to four plates only to take care of my health and walk at least five steps each day



- Survive the tenure - just one more year left, don’t do anything stupid

- Go to London more often

- Drug Imran Khan to get him to stop bothering me

- Continue not reading news or anything really

Imran Khan

- Finally become the prime minister of Pakistan

- Realise the dream of Naya Pakistan by becoming the prime minister of Pakistan and arrange a dharna from Islamabad to Istanbul

- Challenge Nawaz Sharif to a push-up contest in which the winner will become the prime minister of Pakistan. If that fails, I will challenge Nawaz to a tables, ladders and chairs match. I must get into shape to get ready for the big fight!

- Get third time lucky; come on ladies!

- Drug Nawaz Sharif; send even more nihari to Raiwind

Asif Ali Zardari

- Get 10%

- Be relevant again; now that I am well-rested, I vow to spend at least a minute every day to think about Pakistan

- Stop posting memes against Bilawal Bhutto online

- Stop sending Bilawal Bhutto text messages saying “Abu toh phir mai hee ho”

- Amass even more health

- Consider actually caring about the 2018 elections

- Lend Sheikh Rasheed my moustache wax to show him some class

- Teach Sindhi to Bilawal Bhutto

Altaf Hussain

- Continue violence

- Get in touch with Farooq Sattar; y u no pick up my phone?

- Revolutionise Pakistan, or as I call it Karachistan, in 2017; MQM will return to power and I will rule over the entire country from 10 Downing Street

- Get Skype Pro

Shahbaz Sharif

- Make Hamza Shahbaz the King

- Find a way to make the entire CPEC run through Punjab; there will be an underpasses from Lahore to Beijing

- Get even more safari suits stitched for myself

- Make Pakistan ‘roshan’, or at least install more billboards in Lahore with my face on it

Bilawal Bhutto

- Make Sindh Festival 2017 better than Tomorrowland

- Stop reading text messages from Dad



- Continue working with a voice therapist and writing the screenplay for the Pakistani version of The King’s Speech

- Get daddy to leave Pakistan

- Get daddy’s friends to like and respect me

Shaikh Rasheed

- Stay single

- Get Imran Khan to do more dharnas

- Make a Guinness world record for most TV talk shows attended in a year

- Buy a better moustache wax

- Make a Guinness world record for most cigars smoked in a year

Mamnoon Hussain

- Exist

- Stay

Pervez Musharraf

- Build a time machine and travel back to when I was the president!

- Go viral in Pakistan by giving Indian news channels more impassioned interviews; my interviews will make me president again

- Travel back in time and win the Kargil war!

Maryam Nawaz        

- Get another million followers on Twitter

- Become even better at tweeting

- Beat Hamza Shahbaz to the Sharif crown

Pervaiz Khattak

- Don’t let Imran Khan find out I am secretly Jamaat-e-Islami, and not Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf

Tahirul Qadri

- Make another trip to Pakistan; I am getting bored

Shah Mahmood Qureshi

- Do a PhD on Game of Thrones to figure out how to get rid of all my enemies and win the great game

Farooq Sattar

- Keep Bhai away

Parvaiz Rashid

- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan

Khawaja Asif

- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Pervaiz Rashid

Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan

- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Khawaja Asif

This article is a work of satire and fiction