Imran Khan (L) and Hillary Clinton (R). PHOTO: REUTERS
Defying all odds, Donald Trump becomes 45th president of the United States
We have received information from confirmed sources within our imagination that yesterday evening a call was made from Bani Gali to the Clinton headquarters in New York. Hillary’s receptionist picked up the phone and transferred it to Hillary under the impression that an actor from Bollywood had called her. What followed was a 27-minute direct conversation between Imran Khan and Hillary Clinton in which Khan outlined a strategy for Hillary to follow to ensure a path to the White House. After the phone call Hillary was seen pacing around repeating one word over and over again: Dhandli.
DJ Butt has flown to New York in an emergency special flight to aid Hillary’s campaign. Rahat Fateh Ali Khan is already working on his new song, “Saaf chalee shafaf chalee, pant suit pahen kar Hillary chalee.”
In a stunning turn of events, Hillary has rescinded her concession and is now looking to force the Supreme Court to open the four key states of Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Plasma for a re-vote. Hillary told the reporters, “If Trump is so confident, why does he not ask the Supreme Court to open four halkay? Milk will be milk and water will be water if we just open four halkay.”
After a reporter told her that the United States of America is not Pakistan and the executive and the judiciary are separate and independent, based on tricameralism and separation of powers, and the President cannot just ‘ask’ the Supreme Court to do something, and that metaphor means nothing to common Americans, and what language is “chaar halkay", Hillary accused the reporter of working for GEO News.
List of things Trump has pledged to do on first day as president
Hillary has urged all her supporters to lock down Washington and she will be personally leading a long march to the White House. Obama managed to escape to join Hillary Clinton. Obama was being held by the secret service but he got rid of them by hitching a ride with a Pindi boy on a motorcycle. After joining Hillary’s march, Obama climbed up on her motorcade and screamed, “Trump I told you I will come, I have come.” And then pulled out a Cuban cigar he smuggled into America after visiting Cuba.
Obama, Hillary and DJ Butt have all now managed to make their way outside the White House screaming, “Hillary aah nahee rahi, Hillary agayee hay.” Hillary has promised not to leave, she told reporters, “Mai yahan say nahee Hill-rahi.” Tahirul Qadri is also flying in from Canada to join the protest.
Hillary tells supports there is no way she could have lost. Everybody on her Facebook was voting for her.
Day 2
The entire Democratic Party along with their supporters is now permanently stationed outside the White House calling it “Hillary Clinton ka dharna”. The supporters are constantly chanting “Go Trump Go” and Obama told their followers, “I pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving but I will not pardon Trump. Qurbaani say pehley Qurbaani hogi.” Michelle Obama woke up and looked outside the window to wonder why Obama was outside the White House and not inside as he was still the President. Why go to your job in the Senate, Parliament or the White House, if you can party all night with your friends to the music of DJ Butt?
The WWE ring announcer has also been hired to announce the names of all democratic leaders as Faisal Javed Khan’s US visa application was denied.
FOX News is reporting that there are just six followers at the dharna and MSNBC is reporting 65 million people. Sean Hannity reported a Trump victory at 2:00pm on Election Day and FOX News aired Trump’s acceptance speech at 5:00pm before any results were even tabulated. Rachel Maddow showed hundreds of videos showing rampant dhandli at the polls; at one polling station in New York Trump forced his way inside and stamped a million votes with his name. Trump later found out that all voting was computerised in the USA and he just wasted hours needlessly just stamping his own name. Trump replied, “Wrong. You wasted your time. I give myself a million votes each morning. Bigly. Huge. ISIS. Bang Bang. Ching Cho Chong Chong. Crooked Hillary.”
Day 3
Mysterious posters have been put up all around Washington overnight with the face of Chief of Staff of the US Army, Gen Mark A Milley, plastered over them with the text “Ab toh ajao,” urging Milley to impose martial law in the USA. Hillary Clinton has emerged wearing a white cloth over her proclaiming that she is ready to die. Obama is asking his staff to start digging graves in the Rose Garden at the White House. There is a heavy contingent of police force – most of whom are Clinton and Obama’s own security detail.
What impact will US elections have on Pakistan?
Some supporters broke into the offices of C-Span, only to find out nobody works there and nobody in America watches C-Span.
Day 4
Trump appears on television to address the nation. He blames the dharna on Canada and promises to drag crooked Hillary on the streets and asks the nation to change his name if he does not fulfill the name.
Day 5
The Democratic Party urges Hillary Clinton to end her dharna.
Hillary Clinton says the Republicans and Democrats have done a mukmukka to keep Hillary away from the White House.
Day 6
Hillary Clinton says, “Umpire kee ungli uthnay wali hay.”
Reporters remind her that nobody in America plays cricket or gets any of her references.
Day 7
Hillary Clinton ends dharna and accepts the results.
Hillary Clinton tells her supporters she has finally won. The dharna was a success.
Day 77
Hillary gets bored and starts the dharna again.
Day 78
Hillary Clinton ends dharna and strikes a deal with Trump.
Hillary Clinton tells her supporters she has finally won. The dharna was a success.
Day 145
Hillary gets bored and starts the dharna again.
Day 146
And repeat infinitum.
The article is a work of satire and fiction.
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