Pakistan doesn't need Starbucks

Like an international cricket team, Starbucks has stated they have no plans of coming to Pakistan, officially proving it is funded by a conglomerate of RAW, MOSSAD and Zayn Malik haters.

Starbucks you are very non-Pakistani. If you open a branch here, couples will use it as a dating spot. We do not want young people to be falling in love. We want teenage boys to become disillusioned and turn to violence and we want teenage girls to get married. If you open a branch in Pakistan, I will personally make sure I send Maya Khan there each day asking for everyone’s nikkahnama because we know no married couple leaves their house without their original documents.



Even your logo is against the basic ideology of Pakistan. For one, it has a woman on it. For two, she is not wearing a burkha. For three, her parents married outside of their own family. This is why she turned out to be half woman and half fish. We do not have mermaids in Pakistan because maids in Pakistan cannot ever be anything cool.

There is Starbucks in India; no true Pakistani would want to be associated with a brand that makes money from India. Even if Starbucks coming to Pakistan adds revenue to our economy and creates jobs for our people, we should ban it just to show the world we can compete against India. We can just change the name to make it sound more Pakistani and open branches in Pakistan anyway. What are they going to do, sue us in our own courts? If anyone ever got justice in Pakistan’s court system then why would we have all these problems to begin with?



Seriously Starbucks, what is Chai Tea latte and why is it worth $7? Chai is Tea, you cannot just name an item twice in different languages. You can’t just call your brand in Karachi Starbucks ‘SitarayRupay’, you cannot open a ‘shop dukaan’, sell ‘food khana’ and serve ‘people log’.

Starbucks, why would we even want you to start selling us coffee? We are quite happy with our chai and very satisfied with our chaiwalas. Are your baristas’ eyes bluer than the photoshopped eyes of Arshad Khan?

Our chaiwalas do not even need gimmicks like writing names on cups to sell the product. People in Pakistan cannot even spell Coke, what do you think will happen when they will be required to write Durr-e-Shahwar and Seema Butt on coffee cups? Nobody wants their coffee with ‘Durr hay shalwar’ and ‘See my butt’ written on them. Even worse, nobody wants to shout that out in a coffee shop to tell them their coffee is ready.

The only reason I still have a job is to be able to afford and spend the monthly average household income in Pakistan on branded coffee so other people at work think I am cool. Honestly, I do not even like coffee but there is nothing six spoons of sugar cannot fix. My order to my barista is basically a cup of sugar with some coffee and milk in it.

Pakistanis prioritising Starbucks coming to Pakistan are like the Starbucks Uncle.

They want to enjoy a cup of coffee as the world around them is being engulfed in water. The picture of the Starbucks Uncle is a great metaphor for life in Pakistan; you know you will eventually drown and die so why don’t we read the news till our head stays above water?

Life in Pakistan is basically ‘This is Fine’ Meme. So Starbucks you do not need to come to Pakistan, we will be fine without you.



Oh, I just saw the news Popeyes Chicken might be coming to Pakistan. Scratch all of that; let’s use our entire national GDP to make this happen.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.