Pakistan will win any war against India

Published: October 3, 2016
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A soldier stands next to a Pakistani flag. PHOTO: REUTERS

A soldier stands next to a Pakistani flag. PHOTO: REUTERS

India has been threatening war against Pakistan but there is no war in which India can ever beat Pakistan. No Pakistani is afraid of war: Everyone is brave enough to put up a status online asking for war. As long as I do not have to fight in it, I support every war.

If it makes me feel better to upload a cover photo with the Pakistani flag, why should I care about helping to create social conditions where thousands of people can die? I do not even care about causing accidents on the road after painting both my car’s windscreens green and white.

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In many ways, I am also a soldier. I have waged a war against India for a decade in Facebook comments. I am particularly proud of all the times I have referred to ‘India’ as ‘End ya’. In every cricket match after India loses a wicket I tweet the following: “In dia? Nahee, out dia.

Do you think a country full of people who can come up with such hillarious puns can be defeated by a country where Katrina Kaif can win the Smita Patil Memorial Award?

Pakistan will win any war against India. World War I, World II, The American Civil War; we have never lost any war against India. In fact the worst Pakistani performance in a war was by the actors in Bilal Lashari’s Waar.

Even there we beat India. Anyone who saw the movie Border and thought no one can make a worse propaganda movie underestimated the power of Pakistanis.

There is a reason why we have the best spy agency in the world. Every single boy in Pakistan is trained in spy missions. Trying to pick up a girl from her house in Karachi without her mother noticing is nothing short of a James Bond mission. You have to disguise yourself as the driver, strategically park the car at an angle where her mother cannot spot it from the roof and if anybody approaches at a moment’s notice be ready to scream out, “Khuda ki kasam behan hay meri.

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For years the WWE has tried to warn us of the nefarious designs of India’s spy agency by screaming out to us ‘RAW is WAR’ but we never listened. We were blinded by uncle Aman’s daughter Asha and steamrolled by the Samjhota express.

Too long have we danced to the beat of India on all our mehndis and dholkis; too long have we asked our barbers to give us the Shahrukh Khan haircut; too long have we tried hiding our bellies in Salman Khan endorsed white ugly vests.

It is time we say enough is enough and engage in an all-out war against India. Every Pakistani is equal to 60 Indians and 2+2 = 22.
We will beat India on the cricket ground. We will beat India at the border. We will go to Mars and beat their satellite there. So what if we do not even get water in the most posh area of Karachi? Beliefs are stronger than science and I believe we will win. I am sure Agha Waqar can build us a satellite that runs on water.

Nawaz Sharif will beat Narendra Modi in an eating contest. Shahid Afridi will beat Sachin Tendulkar in a ‘will not retire’ contest. Humayun Saeed will beat Shahrukh Khan in a ‘will still play a 20 year old in movies’ contest.

Atif Aslam will beat Himesh Reshamiya in an auto tuning contest.
Bilal Khan will beat Katrina Kaif in a more fake British accent contest.
Imran Khan will beat Arvind Kejriwaal in a ‘trust me, we can still win’ delusion.

Mubasher Lucman will beat Arnab Goswami in a shouting match.
Every memon will beat Bappi Larri in wearing more gold in public.
Hamza Ali Abbasi will beat Subramanian Swamy in jingoism.
Every wall being used as a public toilet in Pakistan will defeat the Swachh Bharat movement.

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We are the more hip choice for people worldwide. Pakistan – the new and improved India. We can build six Taj Mahals – even if that means spending no money on building schools and hospitals. If it means being better than India then I am sure all people dying from lack of adequate healthcare will understand.

India better not challenge us to another war. There is no way they can defeat us. We will have applications pending for visas for other countries. Every Pakistani will be willing to fly a plane over India, all the way to Australia for safe asylum.

India cannot isolate us from the West. We are the West. Every geographer in the world will tell you that Pakistan is closer to the West than India.

 

The article is a work of satire and fiction.

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Reader Comments (53)

  • Omar
    Oct 3, 2016 - 6:16PM

    Thank you Shezad Gias for writing such an article. Too many Pakis wanted war withouth even understanding what war was.Recommend

  • Mohinder parmar
    Oct 3, 2016 - 6:40PM

    Where there are worst articles comes out of Pakistan, the best comes out of there tooVery well writtenRecommend

  • Heavens
    Oct 3, 2016 - 6:45PM

    Excellent bro!! I enjoyed reading your article…you have hit the nail on the head. Keep it up!Recommend

  • Sunilsm
    Oct 3, 2016 - 7:31PM

    Well I can understand ur frustration my freind, hope things will get clear in a period of may be 20 years down the line.Recommend

  • E P
    Oct 3, 2016 - 10:14PM

    I usually don’t make the effort of writing comments. But this is really nice. Extremely bi-partisan while making an important point at the same time. Kudos to you. What other topics do you write on?Recommend

  • Adnan
    Oct 4, 2016 - 6:49AM

    In 1947, 1 Pakistani was equal to 10 Indians.
    Since Pakistan is now a developed nation the equation would be 20:1.
    There is NO WAY Pakistan can lose a war since it is many times more powerful than India. Recommend

  • Bisma Jatoi
    Oct 4, 2016 - 7:55AM

    What a piece of writing…well done…
    Indians must understand that Pakistani youth isn’t frantic like them , they know their every weak point and how to overcome it…thumbs upRecommend

  • kendraj
    Oct 4, 2016 - 8:18AM

    Brilliant writing Shehzad . V need to bring some bit of sanity in an otherwise dumb discourse Recommend

  • Mujtaba Gujjar
    Oct 4, 2016 - 8:23AM

    No Pakistani want war. Its India who is creating troubles and conspiracies.Recommend

  • Your friend
    Oct 4, 2016 - 9:57AM

    Absolutely!!! Was there any doubt… Rantings of a confused mind and soul..Recommend

  • whatever
    Oct 4, 2016 - 10:23AM

    @Shehzad Ghias great article sir, sarcasm at its best.Recommend

  • dude
    Oct 4, 2016 - 10:32AM

    nice articleRecommend

  • Siddharth Daga
    Oct 4, 2016 - 10:38AM

    @Adnan: I think you don’t even understand what satire means, so yes.. You’re 20 times more powerful than little me!Recommend

  • Chiro
    Oct 4, 2016 - 10:38AM

    I am from the other side of the border and from the liberal camp. Totally loved his wit. Everyone seem to be too serious these days, really need such beautifully written articles from both sides, to lower tension. Recommend

  • Rathore
    Oct 4, 2016 - 10:55AM

    In wars among two nuclear armed states, there are no winners or losers, there are just losers. Earlier the Sanity prevails the better. For anyone not willing to believe in this, please visit on google earth a place called Chernobyl in UKRAINE, Recommend

  • Abhinav Krishna
    Oct 4, 2016 - 11:05AM

    This is good stuff. In the last few weeks, we have forgotten to laugh at ourselves.Recommend

  • RAO
    Oct 4, 2016 - 11:21AM

    Well written First set the House first and Look at Neighbors House .Recommend

  • Farhan
    Oct 4, 2016 - 11:46AM

    Hilarious!Recommend

  • Adnan A
    Oct 4, 2016 - 11:53AM

    @Omar:

    Pakistanis NEVER want a war but yeah they do talk about a befitting response to aggression and it’s right.Recommend

  • Farhan
    Oct 4, 2016 - 12:01PM

    Dude, Salute.
    What a delightful article!.Recommend

  • observer
    Oct 4, 2016 - 1:23PM

    Shehzad Ghias,

    Take a bow, Brother.

    This came as a draft of cool air in these trying times.
    Hats Off!Recommend

  • Sam Jha
    Oct 4, 2016 - 1:25PM

    This is brilliant. Wish we had an Indian equivalent to this article. We cannot afford a war; and frankly, kya milega battle ke baad? We will be bad to exactly where we started, if not a few steps behind.Recommend

  • aslam
    Oct 4, 2016 - 1:33PM

    It’s good to know that Pakistan’s biggest weapon is your confidence. Recommend

  • Arnav
    Oct 4, 2016 - 1:39PM

    Shehzad, amidst chest-thumping on both sides, it was really refreshing to come across this article. Well-written. I am sure sane people on either side don’t want war. Recommend

  • Srikanth
    Oct 4, 2016 - 1:42PM

    I really loved your article. In your sarcasm about war, you have intelligently put up where war should be fought – in arts, drama, health, education …….
    Very matured article.Recommend

  • skdking
    Oct 4, 2016 - 1:43PM

    A sane voice in the midst of cacophony.
    May your tribe flourish Recommend

  • Dino
    Oct 4, 2016 - 2:02PM

    Hats off to the writer. It is high time for the people of Pakistan to understand that WAR will not make you developed and happy. Pakistan needs development and these idiot corrupt politicians and military chiefs are just showing the threat of war so that they can eat your money.

    India has no interest in Pakistan, but the day Pakistan’s politicians stop screaming about India they will need to work for the people. India has the highest GDP in the world right now, has much better infrastructure, education and facilities. Demand the same from the government rather than engaging in stupid war and comments. The goverment wants to keep you blind and you will end up jobless. Future is important.

    I love people and ahte politicians on both the sides.Recommend

  • Adnan A
    Oct 4, 2016 - 3:00PM

    @Dino:
    Correction, Pakistan already know consequences of war but Indians don’t. This is why it’s a nationwide Hysteria across the border. In India from actors to journos to politicians to players everyone wants to start a war against Pakistan. Recommend

  • Navroze Hodiwala
    Oct 4, 2016 - 3:09PM

    Brilliant article! Among all the bluff and bombast from both the nations this really comes as a breath of fresh air. More power to your pen:-) Recommend

  • Michael
    Oct 4, 2016 - 4:09PM

    @Adnan A:
    i disagree. We don’t. May be that’s what the media is showing you. I don’t know much pakistanis, the ones i know are cricketers and i rate and love some above my own fellow country men. I know what happens in the border from a very reliable source (my father, a soldier). Even he doesn’t hate pakistan, even he wants peace. When it comes to war there are no winners or losers, just idiots who lose their own people. Wee too much said, in a indian soldier’s own words, “there will be war, if we are provoked. I will shoot to save my family. Let’s just hope and pray that people at the other end realize what’s on the stake.”

    HUMANITY ABOVE ALLRecommend

  • Niti Shekhar
    Oct 4, 2016 - 7:46PM

    do such sensible people exist in pakistan :-0Recommend

  • amei
    Oct 4, 2016 - 11:43PM

    what an article hahaah . there is always ocean difference between one’s fantasy and reality . I think you got it.Recommend

  • Mohanbir Singh
    Oct 5, 2016 - 12:40AM

    See? We are all the same on sides. The fringe elements want war to destroy each other. The government’s are playing games with the public
    Some are worried of their loved ones in the front.
    The border areas are tense wirh fear. And most of us want to carry on our daily lives without any interruption.
    Is mutual destruction the answer to solve differences?Recommend

  • Faisal
    Oct 5, 2016 - 5:39AM

    Well written.. Recommend

  • Nikita
    Oct 5, 2016 - 9:21AM

    Brilliant. Had me in splits. It’s true that we, the people of South Asia, are buffoons of the highest order.Recommend

  • Umesh C G
    Oct 5, 2016 - 12:23PM

    To all fellow Indians enjoying this, please swap Pakistan with India, Nawas Sherif with Narendra Modi and so on! Then enjoy!Recommend

  • Mohammed Yaseen
    Oct 5, 2016 - 12:32PM

    Buddy, at the moment, you are the best example of an extreme talent sans an international platform..
    Very well written. Recommend

  • Subba Rao
    Oct 5, 2016 - 1:15PM

    Good write-up, Shehzad. Enjoyed it thoroughly. I hope the atmosphere between the two countries cools down soon. War never helped anyone. Recommend

  • Ambar
    Oct 5, 2016 - 5:57PM

    Very well written, though I’m reading india in place of pakistan and vise versa.Recommend

  • Akshay Kodala
    Oct 5, 2016 - 8:45PM

    Taher shah “angel”. How can you forget him? Recommend

  • Chetan Khosla
    Oct 5, 2016 - 10:34PM

    This is perhaps one of the best pieces I have read in a while. Absolutely brilliant. Simply Brilliant.Recommend

  • Lohit Mohanta
    Oct 6, 2016 - 11:50AM

    Too much of hate lingering around. Nice to see some humor over the hate. Great article. Nicely written. Recommend

  • Manish
    Oct 6, 2016 - 11:54AM

    Sir

    India does not want war. When we talk we get Kargil, Mumbai Attack and Then Pathankot. it comes only when there is talk going on or was going to happen.Recommend

  • Dilip
    Oct 6, 2016 - 4:15PM

    @Adnan:
    Bro ;
    Thats why I am telling you, send your army and tell them to take your kashmir . You spend lot on them ask them to repay you . They can do it . come onRecommend

  • Abdul Khan
    Oct 6, 2016 - 10:02PM

    I love this article. It is funny and enjoyable. Shehzad Ghias will be good match for NFP. I am missing NFP satire for long. He becomes more nationalist and only talking about pyjamas of Modi and many times not at all funny.Recommend

  • Indian
    Oct 7, 2016 - 7:46AM

    Beautiful and sarcastic article. Writer seems a good pakistani who bother about their country than going for terrorism and war. Politicians in pakistan must read this and think about their social improvement than threatening war with any country. Nice article..Recommend

  • Ajay
    Oct 7, 2016 - 1:27PM

    Just a little humour and to have a light hearted outlook makes so many problems created by human beings look utterly foolish! If only we could be less rigid and less egoistic in real life!Recommend

  • Javed
    Oct 7, 2016 - 1:30PM

    An eye-opening article. Exactly what satire is meant form. Kudos to the author for opening our eyes to reality!Recommend

  • Taher Kagalwala
    Oct 8, 2016 - 3:29AM

    @Mujtaba Gujjar: Common Indians, too, do not want war. Recommend

  • Snigdha
    Oct 9, 2016 - 7:38AM

    Spot on! (y)Recommend

  • Sunil
    Oct 12, 2016 - 9:22PM

    Beautifully written.

    You have proved thta sometimes Sature explains the things in better and in simple mannerRecommend

  • zohaib
    Nov 18, 2016 - 10:33PM

    Nice bro I really like your article keep it up bro..Recommend

  • G K C
    Nov 23, 2016 - 2:59PM

    There should be more writers like this, from every country.Recommend

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