PIA Passengers: Why the airline got what it deserves

PIA should clarify that the staff does not belong to everyone if they don’t want us to treat them like public...

My ancestors did not pack up all of their belongings and move slightly to the west just so that one day we could all be colonised again, this time by the Pakistan International Airlines.

Last I checked it was still called PIA, and not East India Company Airlines. Our country is full of brave patriots who do not take oppression lying down. We revolted in 1857 when the British forced us to bite cartridges with pig and cow fat. We lost, and we let the British have another 90 years free but that is beside the point. We will not let PIA take away the basic fundamental rights of Pakistanis.



I was shocked when on a recent trip I was harassed on a PIA plane by the airline crew. I could not understand if I was a Pakistani in Pakistan or a Muslim in Trump’s America, when the air hostess came to my seat and said, “Sir, you cannot smoke on the plane.”

I gave her the most logical answer possible to ensure she understood that obviously I could smoke on the plane. I told her, “This is Pakistan”. She said, “Technically, this is European air space.”

I could not believe my ears. It was extremely inappropriate of the staff to infringe on my freedom and personal liberties. It is not like I was standing in the middle of the aisle and smoking. I had taken all adequate precautions by putting a blanket on top of me before lighting the cigarette. Next thing I know she was not even letting me roll on the food tray.

The British are back, this time in purple uniforms. Noman Ansari did not know he was designing clothes for a militia. Why fight for freedom when we cannot even smoke cigarettes in Pakistan? Cigarettes are not a luxury, they are a necessity. Anybody who watches the news in Pakistan is quite ready to die and leave this world but suicide is too hard.  There is no cheaper way to slowly kill myself each day than cigarettes.

PIA’s seventy-year-long descent

PIA wishes to take that away from me as well. I had no option but to trash the entire plane. The only legitimate form of protest is destruction. I used to not have electricity for four hours each day so I burned down the transformer. Now the problem has been solved, I do not have electricity all day.

PIA is run from our taxes. I remember paying some tax a few years ago so I own PIA. I was only taking back what was rightfully mine. Every Pakistani knows public property in Pakistan is like a wall in Karachi; no matter what you say or write, somebody is sure to pee on it someday.

I had to do the same to protest against the airline. It should not have been a problem for them to clean it from the aisles. After all, their name has ‘pee’ in it. As a Pakistani man, whenever I feel something belongs to me all I want to do is beat it up. This is why I divorced my wife before things escalated when she said we belong to each other. I am like a kid who only builds a Lego structure to kick it down.

We have built PIA, now it is time for us to kick it down. If PIA was truly Pakistani, why is it flying in the air instead of running W-11s on the streets for the average Pakistani?

Before the flight, they announce that PIA is a national asset that belongs to everyone but they still make me buy a ticket before getting on. If I have paid for a ticket I have a right to try to recoup the entire cost of the ticket by eating food on the plane worth an equal amount. There is no reason for the air hostess to shrug when I ask for the 567th glass of coke on a 60-minute flight. The airline should really clarify that the staff does not belong to everyone if they don’t want us to also treat them like public property.

It is their job to clean up after us. Why else would they give us food if they do not expect us to throw it everywhere? It is none of my concern if the next flight is delayed because the plane needs to be sterilised. If they do not take away my food tray as soon as I am done, I am going to throw it into the aisle and go to sleep.



And the worst form of tyranny on the plane, seat belts. They are literally tying us down to our seats. I, for one, will not be oppressed like this. The seat belt does not go around my tummy anyway, even if I wanted to. I have 20 hacks to ensure my car does not beep when I do not wear a seat belt, so why would I wear one on a plane? If I did not want to die, why would I travel via PIA?

Somebody people will compare me to is Rosa Parks for saying ‘No’ to seat belts. I just read that someone had already made the comparison. It is right there for everyone to see in the previous line of this paragraph.

I was also told that PIA only lets the first 50 people off after the plane lands. This explains why before the plane has even landed everyone starts jumping over each other to get their luggage and run out of the plane. I had to kick an old lady down to jump ahead of the ‘Que’.

Thankfully, somehow I made it out of the flight safely. Although I do think all of us on the plane wanted a mass suicide because as soon as the plane started its descent, everyone’s phones started ringing. I am sure telling Shafiq Mamu you were in Karachi five minutes sooner was worth jeopardising the navigation system of the entire plane.

Overall, I would rate my experience zero stars. The only upside was that I could take the lotions, shampoo, slippers, head phones, pillows, blankets, seat covers, seat cushions, coke bottles and the life jackets home after the flight.

I was able to sell all of them and actually make a profit on what I paid for the ticket. No idea how PIA expects to make a profit with this business model.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.