The 5 relationship ‘rules’ happy couples break

That long-standing relationship advice passed down from generation to generation may not be as sound as you’d think — fact. Sometimes, it’s actually beneficial to break those so-called-sacred diktats that keep couples happy for the long haul. As compiled from oprah.com, wisebread.com, Prevention and Cosmopolitan, here are five rules you should consider completely forgetting about — starting now!

You have to give each other the play-by-play of your day

You already know it’s not cool to attach yourself to your partner’ hip. Well, the same thing goes for drawing them a mental map of your daily drudgeries. “The summarised version of your day is actually more effective. Then move on to more mutually interesting topics, like current events or a movie you want to see,” says professional counselor Roger Rhoades of Carolina Counseling in Greenville, South Carolina. Follow this rule of thumb: Fill your partner in on the things that prompted an emotional response from you. For instance, if someone got sacked and you’re afraid you’ll be next or if you’re over the moon because you learned your sister’s pregnant, go ahead and share. If hearing about office gossip is about as torturous to your partner as getting a root canal, spare them the murky details. Keep in mind, your partner may be more into communicating with you if you’re both on the same page.

You have to resolve every conflict

Forget the ancient maxim that you should never go to bed angry. This one’s for the ladies — despite your feminine urge to fix a problem now, it often pays to sleep on it, or drop the matter completely. “Women are oriented toward harmony and balance in relationships, so they often try too hard to analyse and repair an argument, which isn’t always possible, and can even exacerbate the issue,” says Los Angeles psychotherapist Lynn Ianni. What is important when you don’t see eye-to-eye is being able to communicate your feelings. “If you bottle up your emotions, you set yourself up for a far worse explosion later,” says Ianni. But speaking your mind doesn’t necessarily mean finding a tidy resolution. Fact is, there are some disagreements that can’t — or shouldn’t — be fought to the finish. “Let smaller conflicts go and focus on working out the ones that involve your core values and life goals,” says Rhoades. For instance: If your husband’s leave-the-towel-on-the-bed habit bugs you — ignore it. He is probably super lazy, and isn’t likely to change. However, if he keeps blowing his paycheck on expensive, unnecessary items while you’re saving up to give your kids a better life, that’s a point of contention you should plate out.

Thinking that love means never having to say you’re sorry

Excuse me while I mock this one out loud! Whatever narcissistic individual came up with this rule probably didn’t have a long-lasting relationship! Because the truth is, sometimes we can be overbearing to our partners, and apologies are absolutely necessary — yes, you read that correct! “Nobody’s perfect,” reminds us Dr Jared DeFife, a clinical psychologist and relationship coach. “Sometimes we’re grumpy or short-tempered or do the wrong thing. The mark of a good partnership is not in never messing up or having conflicts, but in being able to recognise those concerns and to effectively make repairs when things go awry.” Afterall, a well-thought through and meaningful apology can actually strengthen a relationship in areas of discontent or disconnection.

Believing that fighting is healthy

Having regular itsy-bitsy quarrels every now and then is okay; it’s good to get issues off your chest. Squealing loudly in each other’s face on a regular basis isn’t. It’s wise to note too that the term “fighting” is relative, and it befits you to keep your definition of it in check to avoid a dangerous downward spiral. “There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage,” says Dr Tina B Tessina, psychotherapist and author. “Couples come into my office frequently believing that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple that all married couples fight, and it’s a normal part of marriage. But the fact is that fighting accomplishes nothing.” Always remember, it isn’t necessary for couples to argue, to yell, or to have heated discussions to get problems solved. Hanging on to these ideas makes it difficult to let go of fighting.

Support your partner as much as humanly possible

Of course, you want to be there for your partner when something goes wrong, whether it’s a setback on a major assignment at work or a toxic argument with a friend. But offering too much support can be even more damaging to a relationship than giving too little, a 2009 study found. Married couples were less happy in their relationships when one spouse offered support beyond what the other wanted, like giving unsolicited advice (“You should talk to your friend”) or frequently bringing up an issue they’d rather ignore (“Still pretty upset about what your boss said, huh?”). Unless your partner really doesn’t want to talk about it, there’s one kind of support that’s by far the most likely to be welcome, says Erika Lawrence, a University of Iowa psychologist who co-authored the study. It’s what psychologists call “esteem support”: telling your partner you have faith that they’ll figure out how to tackle the problem — full stop.

Published in The Express Tribune, May 3^rd, 2016.

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