Review: Bachaana is a film no one asked for

From beginning to end, Nasir Khan’s directorial debut is an underwhelming experience

KARACHI:

This is no longer a review. This is a rant. I was to review the Sanam Saeed, Mohib Mirza-starrer Bachaana. I wish I could do that. After watching the film, the only thing I am left reviewing is the decision to stick around and be predictably underwhelmed by it.

Bachaana is the latest in the long line of Pakistani films to suffer from what seems to be the Achilles’ heel of the country’s film industry: zero understanding of plot and storytelling. While detractors of critics like me would bring up the industry’s infancy, the lack of money and resources to justify a film like this, one must realise that none of these can excuse this compulsion to write and produce such atrocious scripts.

Indeed there have been, and still are, infinitely better writers in Pakistan. Forget movies and television serials, better content than this is being churned out by Pakistanis for YouTube and Facebook. This should once and for all settle such arguments.

You can hire someone like Scorcese and pump in billions of dollars, not even rupees, into a movie, but it is simply not possible to make even a passable flick out of a bad script. There is a concept in computer programming called GIGO, Garbage in, garbage out. To expect a movie based on a bad script to be good is to expect trash to taste delicious and not kill you.



Before we move further, here’s a brief look at the plot. Those who still feel like watching the movie without us spoiling it (although I fail to see how) ought to look away now.

Vicky (Mohib Mirza) is a Pakistani taxi driver in Mauritius who bumps into Alia (Sanam Saeed), a Muslim Indian, at the airport and agrees to drive her and her husband Jehangir or J (Adeel Hashmi) to their hotel. Little does Alia know at this point that her husband, who in her own words she wedded less than 24 hours ago, is not who he says he is.

Not too long after they reach the hotel, Jehangir leaves with some underworld goons, leaving Alia distraught. When she calls him, he tells her to pack her bag and go to the airport to fly away to South Africa, their eventual planned destination, alone.

At the airport, another taxi driver switches Alia’s bag with one that’s loaded with drugs. When Alia finds out, she naturally panics and returns to the hotel, this time with Vicky. Upon return, she discovers that Jehangir has checked out, leaving no trace behind.



So begins Alia and Vicky’s journey together, first to look for Jehangir who turns out to be a Mauritian drug lord who masterminded the entire plan she is caught in, and then to run away from him. Naturally, Vicky and Alia fall in love along the way.

If all this sounds not so bad now, do not, I repeat, do not get your hopes up. From the first scene down to the last, the script and dialogue are utterly forced. Things happen without rhyme or reason, very evidently to just move on from one plot point to the other without regard for seamless narrative. And amidst all this, one-liners, quips and indeed the romance are crammed in, just because why not.

The result is absolutely senseless and cringeworthy. The entire experience leaves you insulted. Is this supposed to be entertainment, one asks. Do those involved honestly find this entertaining? Or is it a mistaken, demeaning belief that this is what the ‘masses’ really want?

The entire project seems to bank on star presence to save it. But the lacklustre script provides zero opportunities for them to shine; which is a shame because Mirza, Saeed and Hashmi have all been known to do so much better. I refrain from commenting on the acting because there is no acting to be done when it comes to a script like this. The characters have the depth and complexity of paper cut-outs.



What is also a shame is that the subject matter — young girls being unwittingly lured in to work as drug mules — could have been explored so much better. To any decent screenwriter, it would provide ample opportunities to flesh out a rich narrative. In Bachaana’s case, all such opportunities have been thrown away.

At places it seems the whole movie was just an excuse for everyone involved to take a paid vacation to Mauritius. Sadly, viewers will be unable to fully appreciate the sights of the island nation as well because of some exceptionally shoddy camera work. Much of the film appears to be out of focus, a cardinal sin of cinematography. The decision to rely on handheld shots in much of the chase sequences also makes one wonder why a minor fraction of the film’s budget was not used to rent out a Steadicam.

The cinematographic low point of the film has to be the night-time scenes, which are under-lit to the point that it becomes very hard to keep track of what’s going on.

VERDICT: Watch the film only if you have a misplaced passion for reviving Pakistan’s film industry. Sorry to say but Bachaana does not have a single redeeming aspect to it

Published in The Express Tribune, February 27^th,  2016.

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