The Way I See It
You ain't no princess

You ain't no princess

Why is it 'sexism' only if men do it? At what point was the term hijacked, and rewired to work only for women?

Faraz Talat November 11, 2011

In wake of the ceremonious lambasting of the Y-chromosome, I believe I have a right to mount a defence. Now that Pandora's box has officially been opened and the first stone has been cast in the battle of the sexes, dare I put my own two cents in?

In the past, I've often defended women in our present social milieu to the point where I fight to keep my own men's club card from being revoked. I'll lay my cards on the table and admit up front that I'm a feminist. I can sense eyebrows being raised at the concept of a male feminist, but that's the way it is.

Feminism is about gender equality, and the entire movement would be self-contradictory unless it caters for the rights of both women and men. This is why I'm compelled to say the following:

Why is it sexism only if men do it?

At what point in history was the term hijacked, and rewired to work only for women? In no universe can I call the Pakistani women "a desperate being" without inviting the pointy end of a stiletto to the vertex of my skull. If I deny myself the guilty pleasure of constructing negative stereotypes about women, can I expect the same treatment in return?

While there is simply no excuse for chauvinism, men do not have to be sorry for being men. Wanting to be in the company of a girl, or even multiple girls, is not a behavioral trait indigenous to Pakistan. A young woman may cut her way through a horde of creeps using a chainsaw if she has to, only to find out that Prince Charming is a non-existent entity. However, it's not all bad to settle for Prince Charming's less sought-after cousin, Duke Goodenough.

Pakistani girls need to stop wanting to be "looked after" all the time. If they grow up (if ever) expecting to find a man with the strength of Hercules, the face of Apollo and the wit of Dr House, a suckerpunch of disappointment is what they rightfully get.

Guys are not perfect, and neither are girls. In all likelihood, you'll end up with a partner expecting to lean on you as much as you want to lean on him. In other words, you'll find half a Zorro whom you'll have to complete by becoming the other half yourself.

Stop being damsels in distress, and start opening your own damn doors. Any relationship with one party depending wholly on the other is a disaster waiting to happen.

For our own sake, we need to steer away from the Utopian concepts of macho, steed riding men and beautiful, sandwich making ladies, and learn to accept each other for the imperfect individuals that we are.

WRITTEN BY:
Faraz Talat

The writer is a doctor based in Rawalpindi and writes about current affairs and societal issues.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

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COMMENTS (63)

insight | 12 years ago | Reply feminism is a tricky road what the author expressed is a superficial analysis, if we accept the author on his ideals we have to look at the history to compare it with society who followed the same path. in Americas and Europe the women image is so tarnished and mangled by the quite frank and understanding society that the image of a western female is quite appalling at a close look. the niceties of the east and the due considerations, the handling of our females like china dolls......these advantages we provide to females in the east they are non-existent in the west.....to cut the argument short......the moral depravity that have emerged in the west is because of the ideals that the author has expressed..........the females when given equal standing.....get exploited........the are not given their due consideration because to western man ...the females are just another male a means to end..........and in case of females a profitable end and highly exploitable.........the road to feminism is littered with female exploitation namely prostitution.

Adil | 12 years ago | Reply You are proud to be a feminist. Im not amazed, i know u have ur own benefits to look for, and your outlook also supports the kind of views u have. Further i am not surprised. This "time" has already been prophesized in Islam and such like people and such issues poping up in these TIMES have amply been told to Muslims through Ahadeeth. So Faraz keep making efforts, it wont damage the religion, rather people like you compel many non-practicing Muslims as well as non-Muslims to revert to true teaching of Islam / Islam. Thanks

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Aishah | 12 years ago | Reply Well said. To the point & logical.

Engr.Syed hammad | 12 years ago | Reply way to go talat on very serious note u r very right keep up the good work

Kanwal Azfar | 12 years ago | Reply yeh cheez!! :D You can't get rid of chauvinism without learning to let go of chivalry. We shouldn't expect men to give up their seats or open doors.

Zaibi | 12 years ago | Reply I loved, loved, loved it. You are so right and I wish a few more people would think like you do,specially the sandwich making lady part :(

Princess | 13 years ago | Reply Och ! it hurts .. hard ;)

A.F.K | 13 years ago | Reply Pakistani women described amazingly in this piece. Even I also believed in feminism but yes no one should dominate the other gender unnecessarily just for the sake of boss around,or get things done your way. Being a girl i can say that no matter how feminist or how independent you become or you want to be in your life,women can not help themselves expecting to be looked after or taken care of. Women are like that,they need some kind of attention even if its very little. And the opening sentence kept me laughing and held me to read the whole piece. You nailed it.

asina | 13 years ago | Reply Good article. I agree both women and men should be given the same treatment.

haha | 13 years ago | Reply @faraz talat - yeah, and when women " start to scream " out against discrimination and injustice - most men would love thrashing the hell out of them or maybe pouring some acid down their hoarse throats. I agree with hafsa - expecting women to rebel is farcial. Their voices will be drowned out in no time. The mentality of men needs to change.they have to be the drivers of change. The chances of men's voices being heard are much higher.

Faraz Talat | 13 years ago | Reply Hafsa, What's farcical is expecting a significant proportion of men to forfeit the culture war and willingly give up their seat of dominance without a strong push from the women's side. Naturally, this movement would need to be strengthened by the more liberal, educated men, but women will have to bear the burden of taking charge and forming the front ranks. Unless women start to scream out against injustice and discrimination, most men are perfectly content with sitting quietly and enjoying the perks of this male-dominated society.

Hafsa A. Sial | 13 years ago | Reply @Faraz Talat: In this respect, I disagree with you. In a society in which women are explicitly forbidden from being "defiant", expecting an average lower to middle-class female to rebel against these norms is simply farcical. Rather, there must be collective societal change, from men as well, which encourages all women to think independently. Only then will women dare to become "defiant" and be able to "emancipate" themselves. The majority of the effort must, indeed, be from women themselves. But by no means does this absolve Pakistani men of their responsibility to foster this change.

Faraz Talat | 13 years ago | Reply For most parents, their interest in educating their daughters is based on the fact that a degree like MBBS raises the odds of finding better suitors for them. Using these degrees to pursue fruitful careers is rarely the intention. And what's more frightening is that most girls are content with this abominable trend. In a largely anti-feminine culture that we have fostered, we need women to be more defiant. None can emancipate women but themselves.

F. | 13 years ago | Reply @Shumaila: I agree completely with your comment but then again, there are a lot of women in fields that do allow them, from families where the parents HAVE given them the best education they could afford (an example? Pakistani women from many middle-class/upper class families in fields such as Medicine which are considered 'halal' for future housewives) who insist they're feminists and then insist that means men should do more to 'take care of' women.

Blogger | 13 years ago | Reply My comment wa completely on topic and uber polite, but ET doesn't want us togethe, marium......

Blogger | 13 years ago | Reply Bravo marium..spot on..ther are still some females willing not to cloak their natural feminst feelings for fear of being branded sexists! P.s will you marry me?! ;)

Mariam | 13 years ago | Reply I love your writings....marry me!

blogger | 13 years ago | Reply Lubna Khan, btw does the author capture ur attention with his poignant post or would you still prefer a stammering,dimwit who resembles twilight wala vampire?!

Fazl Hussain | 13 years ago | Reply When women know that they can't live without men.then whats' the point to show lot's of attitude and arrogance that they hold every thing ..

sahar syed | 13 years ago | Reply the blogs from men about women or vice versa are usually quite offending...but this for a change was not one of those and despite being a woman i agree with your views and admire the way you have presented it.

blogger | 13 years ago | Reply Well..well..i agree with shumaila on our society nt being supportive towards working women,howevr there are countless educated,working women i knw who keep a decent balance bw family/work life and r actually encouragd by their inlaws.The imp thng is to get everythng clarified be4 mariage, i.e whethr or nt ur inlaws wud support a working lady or prefer a toddler sitter housewife whod gradually becme more n more starplus inspired rather than reckn the realities a modern working woman wud!

Hariharmani | 13 years ago | Reply Nandita,Anthony Permal,and Shamuila, It is futile to argue that all woman are not discriminated or all minority are not oppressed,if the oppression is institutionised as it is in Pakistan,is not a debatable point,that it exist in large measure in the society has to be fought by all well intensioned male or female by all across the board.It is very gratifying to see voices are being raised and things will change slowly,but we have long way to go.A.Permal is a decent human being,and he is an asset well worth on your corner,minor things should not count for much,you fair ladies need every one of us who are not biased and who do not condone oppression of ladies,it has gone on for too long must now end,in 21st century,we need every one man or woman.Respect and empathy for them and all minority everywhere.Count me in.Thanks,no malice for one and all.Let us strive to create a world devoid of oppression.

Hafsa A. Sial | 13 years ago | Reply I am a woman, I am a feminist and I support your sentiments wholeheartedly. Excellent response to the slew of anti-male and ant-feminist blog posts that the ET has regretfully decided to publish. As a Muslim feminist, I find it enraging that women think they have the right to lambast an entire segment of our society, simply because they have been unable to "find Mr. Right". The truth is, as you put it, there is no Mr. Right. And no woman is Miss Right, either. There are indeed decent Pakistani men who are intelligent, funny, charismatic and who believe in egalitarianism. And the need to vent one's frustration is by no means a license to malign half of the population of our country. As for the current debate that is raging in the comments section- I really don't think this piece has anything to do with women's rights in our culture; it addresses women's over-imaginative and unfair demands for a flawless male, while they themselves may be pockmarked with faults.

ox | 13 years ago | Reply just like ur other blogs spot on...i am waiting for response from the dream girl who is still in his barbie age... come on Lubna

Nandita. | 13 years ago | Reply @Anthony ------------ shumaila, maybe, does a lot more than comment on blogs too, anthony. :) Maybe all women in pakistan are not oppressed but a sizable chunk probably are !! :) :) You are not right. Let's not digress. Peace. Good day!

Sarah B. Haider | 13 years ago | Reply Now that's some proper way of debating and dealing with an opposing idea. Impressive.

Anthony Permal | 13 years ago | Reply Also, just wanted to say, let's not get sidetracked - I agree I'm a part of the digression - and focus on the topic, which was one man's reply to one woman who decided to paint every Pakistani male as a desperate sexually depraved race. That is an insult to every good father, brother, husband and son who really is a good person who strives day and night for his family. A few rotten eggs doesn't mean the farm is a gutter.

Anthony Permal | 13 years ago | Reply Uh, Nandita, I didn't advise her not to rant against culture. Go read it again. I said there is no point ranting against one culture while accepting another. I agree Shumaila should speak her heart out against any atrocity on any topic, including women's rights. However, I didn't appreciate the generalisation about women that she put forth which made it sound like every one of the women in Pakistan are oppressed. She, however, has a right to say it and I have a right to disagree and mention my disagreement. Rahi baat 'what do I do except blog', that's for me to know, right? I use my words on blogs like ET to say something that I hope will engage and awaken the silent majority, but I use my actions elsewhere. One doesn't have to be physically in Pakistan to make a difference, Nandita. There are many avenues being taken to make minority rights a serious concern in the government, and I am taking that. Do I really need to spell it out for everyone to know what I am doing? Or am I to be judged simply on the fact that I wrote a blog post? I appreciate that you don't support discrimination, more power to you, however please don't assume things about others based on what they don't say in public.

Nandita. | 13 years ago | Reply @Anthony Permal - Yeah, that's right. Ask women to fight for their rights. When they actually do so, beat them into silence. While women fight, you guys can sit around commenting on blogs advising them to fight. Maybe you should join them in their fight. You, anthony permal, get all preachy while writing your blogs on how minorities are oppressed. Why do you rant on then ? i shall give you the same advice you are giving shumaila now. "If you want equality, you have to fight for it. Not sob." isnt this what you are telling shumaila ? i've read your blogs anthony about discrimination against christians in pakistan. Why do you sob about that ? Why dont you move back to pak and fight against it ? Why ? You are advising shumaila not to " rant against our culture " Aren't you also ranting against your culture then when you write your blogs against oppression of christians ? What are you doing for the minorities, other than writing your blogs ? Anthony permal, women in pakistan are a minority too. ( i am an indian and i say this from what i have read on pakistani new sites ) Let shumaila speak anthony. Just as injustice against christians makes your blood boil, injustice against women makes her blood boil.Blogging is your way of expressing your frustation, it is the same case with her.And i guess both of you may not be in a position to take on the pakistani society against these injustices. Blogging/commenting is a vent. Let her be, anthony....Atleast give her that freedom. Want to clarify ----- anthony, i dont support discrimination against religious minorities. my heart bleeds when i read of such oppression. @shumaila - rock on. Speak out. Power to you.

Shumaila | 13 years ago | Reply Anthony, nowhere have I blamed men. I have blamed the culture. And I did not say that women don't work despite that,or that there aren't examples of women working. But when complacent men like hassan khan throw out complacent statements like the above, it behooves me to give him a slight reappraisal of the true facts. Which is that for a woman, this society is incredibly hostile. If they are dependent on their men, as many are, it is more often than not due to the culture that has taught them to be so, that has cut off their wings and then derides them for not being able to fly. . I'm all for changing culture, and I do not support self-victimisation. I'm a confident, well-educated, career-oriented woman myself. But I am a minority, and I know it. Society as a whole Is hostile to women, and you can pick up any gender based statistics to know that. There are many many more unfortunate sisters out there, and they require understanding, not deridement, which latter their male counterparts are all too easy in distributing. . So instead of telling me not to sob, will you please tell men like hassan khan to be more empathetic?

Vigilant | 13 years ago | Reply Good answer to Anti-men bloggers.... :)

Anthony Permal | 13 years ago | Reply @Shumaila: Sorry but I don't agree with half of what you've written. Wasn't your mother part of the 'parents' you spoke about? Isn't she a woman? Why blame men, then? Secondly, it's a dog-eat-dog world in terms of getting a job, whether or not you're a man or woman. Look around you: millions upon millions of women ARE working. They drive, go shopping, go to restaurants. There are also women who don't and that's definitely a problem, but to paint society as a whole as being a place where women are suffering and can't do anything it a blatant lie. If you want equality, you have to fight for it. Not sob. If it is our culture that is discriminatory, then let me remind you that it is also our culture that women prefer to keep the family honour instead of rocking the boat. I do NOT agree with that culture, but it is so. Why am I saying this? Because you cannot rant about one culture i.e. parents/in laws don't let me work' and at the same time not bother rocking the boat for the equality you so desire, just because of culture.

MUNIB | 13 years ago | Reply I come across working class, educated bla bla women every day and its so funny that what the women has understood from "Literacy" is this : A woman is equal to man when its about taking advantage from a relation but when it comes to responsibilities they back off so quickly by acting like "sinfe nazuk", "dumb about the world" and "innocent mashriqi orat" and dont waste a time throwing burden on men. The want men to share responsibilities at home but dont want to do "khuaari" in a busy market searching a mobile, repairing a computer, taking the car to mechanic and all that but when its to take advantage of being a female, trust me they are quicker than light to do that. Women in PAK have got the concept of equality absolutely wrong. And like the writer said it want to be "taken care of" every time directly or indirectly.

Parvez | 13 years ago | Reply Now that is what I call an intelligent, balanced gentlemanly reply.

Sidrah Moiz Khan | 13 years ago | Reply This couldn't get any better.

anonymous | 13 years ago | Reply i fail to comprehend the mindset of pakistani women wanting to be a princess!

Muzzamil | 13 years ago | Reply so again we are talking about only 2% (hardly) population of pakistan. Please educate the masses first and then this article would definitely make sense. Concerned pakistani ....

Hasan | 13 years ago | Reply Hats off to you sir..

Ahmed Munir | 13 years ago | Reply Women have a problem. first, they want equality. Then they want us to treat them like princess. I cant believe in what stupid world, both can be achieved for them. If I am not mistaken, its women who use tears and sex as a weapon but then they are women. They have no other weapons. But when they want equality then should they not discard those weapons? As you said, women need to grow up and take a pick of what they want? Constant whining and ranting will make them psychiatric patients(which i already believe is most of them are:P)

Sana | 13 years ago | Reply Lubna Khan, you listening?

Shumaila | 13 years ago | Reply @hassan khan Try having a career and learn to look after yourself,instead of clinging onto men like a suffocating creeping vine. Yeah. Try doing that when you haven't been educated as much because your parents spent more on your brothers and thought you weren't important enough for a higher education. . Try making a career when you've never set foot outside the door because your conservative parents/inlaws wouldn't let you have a job in the early years, when most men get into the market and make their careers. . Try finding a job in a market that is suffocating for men but almost impenetrable for women, that doesn't support, allow or encourage the entrance of women into dozens of fields. . Try keeping a job when you're harassed daily and your male boss and male co-workers think just because you're working you must be an 'easy' women with loose morals and constantly molest you. . Yeah hassan. Why don't you try being a woman?

Esa | 13 years ago | Reply gud job faraz. @ hassan..we can not expect married women to pay half of the bills while they take care of the kids too..u ever came across a husband who has changed his baby's pamprs once in his lifetym? i doubt..

Salman | 13 years ago | Reply Oh tairee khai hoo! Nicely done. I LIKE!

Male Feminist | 13 years ago | Reply Women demand equal rights in our culture but they do not want to be 'feminists' and they are themselves responsible for accepting male chauvinism. They are themselves misogynists when they are looking for a male to look after them. They want equal rights but ever heard ''tumhain larkiyoon se baat karni ki tameez naheen''. As long as they need special treatment, they will continue to suffer.

Joolie | 13 years ago | Reply What does equality have to do with the abandonment of courtesy and politeness? Nobody should stop opening doors for others in the name of equality. Also, men shouldn't expect women to pay half the dinner tab until we earn half the wages. That's one they'll bash you over the head with ladies. If you're someone who thinks feminism is no longer needed check out Twitter hashtag #mencallmethings

Another Feminist | 13 years ago | Reply Refreshing and very well-written! Women who want to be pampered by a Price Charming yet whine about women rights and independence give all feminists a negative image. Sexism works both way and it's about time we accept each other enough to work towards ending it :)

Ash | 13 years ago | Reply Great resoponse to a not-so-great article! Good job!

Arsalan Zaidi | 13 years ago | Reply Spot on bro... you really nailed it.. ;)

Farah | 13 years ago | Reply Spot on! What a good read!

Awien | 13 years ago | Reply Bring it on baby...;)

AK | 13 years ago | Reply I'd still like the well-mannered hero of my life to open doors for me :) and when i say "hero" i dont really mean "tall, dark and handsome". I only mean "the guy who lets me live my life to the fullest by being a part of it". As far as your response to another article on ET is concerned, yours is far better and precise than the other one which does not seem to make any sense. Good job!

misspink | 13 years ago | Reply Fully agree! Finally a post on the whole men/women thing that makes sense and isn't derogatory. Good read :)

A Feminist | 13 years ago | Reply Stop being damsels in distress, and start opening your own damn doors. Well done! Well done! I'm a girl (and feminist) and you just won me over! If the Feminists ask for equality, they'd have to live with the whole deal and not bits and pieces of it that they find convenient. But doing something for a woman or a man out of the sexist context is not something I'd raise my eyebrows on. I'd just call that, being human. Don't you think? Anyhow, well written. Would love to read more from you!

hassan khan | 13 years ago | Reply good blog.the women who think that it's their right to freeload off men,to recieve free gifts aren't being feminists,they aren't feminists,they are muftakhors who want to eat off the kamai of someone else.why don't these complaining women try and work for a living themselves? they don't work and then cry and moan about how bad their boyfriends/husbands treat them. stop freeloading off your husband's salary.Try having a career and lear to look after yourself,instead of clinging onto men like a suffocating creeping vine.

Kinzah | 13 years ago | Reply True...we cant expect to be treated equally if we expect the men to open doors...I for one don't and take no offense if one doesn't either....but if someone does I say chivalry isnt dead after all :)...great insight! :)

Mechanical Animal | 13 years ago | Reply Feminism? THIS!! IS!! TRIBUUUNE!! kick! On a serious note, this article is good. It offers a rebuttal without offending, quite unlike that weird lady.

waqas khan | 13 years ago | Reply Superb article.. Absolutely awesome

wahwah khan | 13 years ago | Reply You just nailed it Talat. wink wink..;)

Huma Iqbal | 13 years ago | Reply Spot on and precise. Good!

Omaidus | 13 years ago | Reply Really a nice and serious attempt to put forward case for men. But still we have to come out of our utopia's and see the real world, actually this is a world of ordianary men and women, working togather is the key of some what "utopian' paradise.

Sadaf | 13 years ago | Reply A practical , feet-planted-firmly-on-solid-ground-type-of-logical analysis! Your previous article 'She's my 'girl' friend not my girlfriend' was a hit-on-the-bull's-eye too ! Bravo !

The Reader | 13 years ago | Reply Dead-on, man dead-on by we didn't know you men were so sensitive to act like such cry-babies after a single 'ladykiller' attempt.

Mangoman | 13 years ago | Reply Spot on Man!!

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