Match Point
World Cup conspiracies: Bal Thackeray is an ISI agent

World Cup conspiracies: Bal Thackeray is an ISI agent

Cricket fans aren't known for their logic. Check out some outlandish theories about the Pakistan vs India match.

Tanzeel Ahmad March 26, 2011

Everyone is talking about arch-rivals Pakistan and India facing each other in a World Cup semi-final on Wednesday.

Here are a few golden statements that Pakistan cricket fans are making:

Pakistan was given a place in the semi-final as a reward for releasing Raymond Davis.

Reaching Mohali a week before the match is no good; the Pakistani players may get paid off.

Indians are good at black magic - check out how their pundits throw amulets on the Mohali pitch.

The Mohali pitch has been developed to assist the Indian players.

Pakistanis will lose the match because they know the Indian crowd will beat the hell out of them if they win.

The Indian spectators will disrupt the match if they see Pakistan winning the game.

Pakistan will not lose the semi final; 180 million Pakistani Muslims, Bengalis and lots of Indian Muslims will be praying for Pakistan.

RAW agents are conspiring to use Indian bookies to bring down the Pakistan team.

Bal Thakeray won't do anything to the Pakistan team. He is afraid of Karachi’s ghundas.

Pakistan will win the match because they don’t have sattay baaz (gamblers) on the squad.

How can Pakistan win when there is no implementation of Islam in this country?

Shoaib Akhtar will rip Kamran Akmal apart on the field if he drops any more catches when he is bowling.

Bal Thakeray is actually an ISI double-agent. His job is to malign India’s reputation by threatening the Pakistan cricket team.

Note: This blog is satirical in nature.

For the latest World Cup updates and opinions visit The Express Tribune Cricket.

WRITTEN BY:
Tanzeel Ahmad A UAE based marketing professional who is interested in politics and cultural issues. He blogs at www.tanzeel.wordpress.com

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

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COMMENTS (47)

hassan | 13 years ago | Reply The truth behind the semi-final loss to India now can be told : Hillary Clinton called Gilani and told him, "Look, the Indians are pressurising us to suspend our billions to you since you are not taking action on 26/11. But, it seems there is a way out." Gilani asked, "What is that?" "Look, you have to lose the match to India in semi-finals and there will be a feel-good moment in India and they will stop harping on 26/11. And we send you the next instalment of billions. You need them for salaries next month." Gilani said ok to this, and called Afridi, who refused to lose the match, since he does not understand international politics. Then Gilani called Younis and Misbah, they being educated persons. Misbah agreed to do anything in his capacity to get the required billions for his country. So did Younis. That is why Misbah and Younis, safest of catchers, dropped catches. They did everything to help Indians to post a big total. Since Indians are pathetic players, they could not handle our bowling and they posted a low total. So, Younis and Misbah had to bat deliberately slow so that India can win. When Afridi was going great guns, it was Misbah who told Harbhajan to bowl a low full toss to Afridi, since he knew Afridi could not resist that and would give a skier and get out. India won and Gilani made Manmohan Singh happy. Manmohan Singh forgot the 26/11 issue and Hillary Clinton okayed the transfer of 100 billions immediately. And our Prime Minister organized a grand reception for the team in gratitude when they returned. Misbah and Younis too have been rewarded separately by US, supervised the Hillary Clinton herself. This is the truth and I heard this from my uncle who works in the ministry that tracks the billions of aid from US...My uncle says he was asked by US officials to get the bank account details of Misbah and Younis. He gave the details to US and now everyone is happy !!

Positive Pakistani | 13 years ago | Reply my pick of the lot... "How can Pakistan win when there is no implementation of Islam in this country?".... a big big ":D"....:D

VIEW MORE COMMENTS

Tanzeel | 13 years ago | Reply Sir Bal Thakrey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGyvXtrFgxU

rk singh | 13 years ago | Reply Bal Thackeray was also supposed to have helped Shah Rukh Khan hit jackpot with "My name is khan", where Mr.Thackrey demanded a ban on this movie. This movie was supposed to have sunk at the box-office without a trace, but came back well after this duel between the actor and the politician.

Enzee | 13 years ago | Reply Favouring India and mocking Pakistani situation is the new trend that is rooting amongst people of our times, what we need to realise is that India is our arch enemy, no wonder the whole nation united for this one match.

ਜੱਟ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ | 13 years ago | Reply @Bambayya: Bambayya... I have been following this thread for a while, and apart from just a few stupid comments by some nutcases, on the whole the Pakistanis have been very civilized in their comments. Considering that there was no need for you to pollute the atmosphere with your barking. BTW I am from Indian Punjab.

Ahmed | 13 years ago | Reply This is in response to the eccentric and preposterous leader of the terrorist organisation, Shiv Sena, who has left no stone unturned in his attempt to prevent the talented and meritorious Pakistan team from laying in India. Pakistan will indeed win tomorrow in the semi final, and the world cup. They will slap the treacherous Indian side on its face, and force Bal Thackery to resign, and commit suicide in humiliation, a fitting end to such a God forsaken man. Pakistan Zindabad. Long live Pakistan.

Bambayya | 13 years ago | Reply @Tanzeel: If Dawood Ibrahim kills Bal Thakrey... Dont you know what will happen in Mumbai and in India ??? Every tom dick and harry knows that ... Dar ke marree ...People dont even joke about that .. And yes they replaced dawoods name just to show that they dont know that Dawood is in Karachi thats all .... ( Even 3rd std student in Sandhurst Rd school knows that he is in karachi)

Shayan Ali khan | 13 years ago | Reply i think i can understand something frm all this "match fixing thing" we all know how much pressure and negitivity the pakistani government is under... and we all know if pakistan wins this match or the world cup itself... the country will head towards a transition of happiness, which may cause the media and the population of pakistan to focus on celebrations and other stuff that ultimately makes the population's attention diverge from the "raymond davis case"(that has kinda ended but some controversies on it are still there) and other instabilities... so maybe Zardari or Gilani has chosen to finance the money somehow to the indian betting houses and just want pakistan not only to win it for their countries sake... but to create another diversion to escape the media's and the pplz attention from all thats been going on... wat do u guys think ? and i think everyone is aware of the oldest trick in the book... "Divert the people's attention whenever they seem to be headed towards the right direction" "Counter them with their own emotions" :\

ani | 13 years ago | Reply Gilani is going to meet his paymasters in India; Manmohan Singh is actually an ISI agent. No one knows. Hafeez Saeed is the third umpire. His credentials help Pakistan sell the peace process. Hamid Gul is the expert commentator to expose India's "feel good" atmospherics Zaid Hamid is on the payroll of RAW - he has been bought in to advise Indians on security matters for this all important match The foriegn secretaries are meeting to fix the match in a draw. This will allow the Pakistani government to place the right bets and rake in millions. Bal Thaceray is the unofficial coach - providing mental fitness to the Pakistani team.

The Only Normal Person Here. | 13 years ago | Reply Absar, you dont know how funny you are. Like REALLY. You got NO idea at all

Ghausia | 13 years ago | Reply @umair mughal: Kindly do not talk as if you are a Pakistani. Pakistanis are good, kind, tolerant people. People with your mentality are just trash that somehow got thrown in our territory, and will be cleaned up eventually by the patriots that don't want bigots and terrorism-supporters polluting their country. Anyone who thinks strapping a bomb to their chest is a feat of courage is no countryman of mine.

Sarah | 13 years ago | Reply Good One!!!! Indeed I myself have heard some of these and how could you forget all those sms being forwarded since we got the news that India would be playing the semi with Pak.... I mean its going crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

Said Chaudhry | 13 years ago | Reply not sure who you've been talking to but all the people I know share the same thoughts as I do: We're gonna run over India in Mohali period!

Tribune Fan | 13 years ago | Reply I quite often do an online Google News search for subjects which interest me and have developed a new respect for the Express Tribune blogs. I really enjoy blogs on this site. Keep it up Tanzee!

Tanzeel | 13 years ago | Reply @Absar: I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. Anyways since you also lack an understanding of sarcasm you are automatically being redirected to this link.

I am a responsible and civilized citizen of Pakistan | 13 years ago | Reply LOL. Nice blog. The title is very appealing.

vikash | 13 years ago | Reply first statement is complicate

nachiket | 13 years ago | Reply I had never thought that some Pakistani newspaper could be so interesting and with such a fluent English.

Qazi Akhter | 13 years ago | Reply What Bilal said :D

Raj | 13 years ago | Reply Tanzeel I can see you have a great tendency to pawn large chunk of people at once. Good job mate -- Appreciate your work...whatever Shahid Afridi has said about the Tendulkar should be mentioned here as well. It would be fun to read the whiners' comments. cheers

Umair Waheed Sheikh, Khayban e Hafiz,Karachi | 13 years ago | Reply And what about the Mumbai incidents? Do you think that they were done by RAW? Tanzeel it is educated people who get along with the jingoism that really puts me off! Even when its satirical I have to say you need to develop some iq for that!

junaid | 13 years ago | Reply o come-on...please just to write something and make it under limelight or to act whatever you call it-moderates,free etc etc don't just portray a very wrong and inexplicable picture of millions of fans around the globe! Can you please verify how much statistics or some data-pretty lame as it will be,i am sure, you accumulated before naming this loathsome column to us??i use the word us because until specified anyone reading this moronic column shall certainly relate it to majority if not whole of the fan club. the footnote should have read Note: This blog is sort of an 'out-of-form try of being funny' in nature..... but giving you your due...yes it is hilarious,if nothing!

Singh | 13 years ago | Reply Umair Mughal, Do you see your face in mirror" Are you look like chinese or Mongol or any western, then you may call Indian by any name. If your parent look like any other Indian face then you, you are h.........mi. How many time guys like you need to learn a lesson. Remember since 1947 to Kargil

Hasan | 13 years ago | Reply Excellent tanzeel bahi ;-)

Let us not digress | 13 years ago | Reply HAHA. The 1st and the 11th are the best. But dude you should've made a mention of daud ibrahim too. =p

Absar | 13 years ago | Reply

Pakistan was given a place in the semi-final as a reward for releasing Raymond Davis

In any case, if you jotted this down following the statement of Imran Khan who said the match was being fixed for Pakistan with regards to Raymond Davis case, then I pity your poor comprehension skills in politics.

Faizan | 13 years ago | Reply lol:) get a life mate!!!

Shekhar | 13 years ago | Reply good points, such things happen in india too

M Bilal | 13 years ago | Reply By the time this semifinal is over, believe me you will have another thirteen golden points to add into this article.

Bohemian | 13 years ago | Reply we shall see what we shall see!

Syed | 13 years ago | Reply I dont know how you people can like this !!! according to me its lame

bangaloreboy | 13 years ago | Reply sarcasm and wit of highest quality! I stumbled on this blog, but will keep coming back regularly...

ani | 13 years ago | Reply If Pakistan wins, all due to Islam Superior Genes Inferior Hindus - 11 ghazis beat 1.2B hindus in their own homeland! Two Nation Theory Ghairat coaching by AQ Khan, Shireen Mazari, Hamid Gul and Zaid Hamid If Pakistan Loses, all due Zardari and Gilani wanted to be a gracious guests per instructions from Hillary Clinton Veena Malik and Indian Bookies Pitch prepared with grass grown in CIA headquarters Pakistani coach and Afridi on RAW payroll 'Hindu Bengali' blood in players that did not perform

Samreen Mughal | 13 years ago | Reply mind blowing, these days everyone is spreading his own cricket knowledge as per his intelligence, good to see you have recollected and presented it to us. perfect cocktail for readers :=D

Tanzeel | 13 years ago | Reply Thanks everyone, you guys may add more rants like that. By the way original statement on Bal Thakrey is as follows.. "Bal Thakrey won’t cause any threat to team Pakistan. He is afraid of Dawood Ibrahim (Mumbai Underworld)" .(Tribune for whatever reason replaced Dawood Ibrahim by Karachi Ghundas)

Iftikhar-ur-Rehman | 13 years ago | Reply "Bal Thakeray is actually an ISI double-agent. His job is to malign India’s reputation by threatening the Pakistan cricket team." Excellent!!!! Hilarious and out of the BOX thinking.

N | 13 years ago | Reply @umair mughal: spreading hate against india is not the right attitude

Syed Hussein El-Edroos | 13 years ago | Reply Enjoyed reading it.

umair mughal | 13 years ago | Reply darty to ham kisi k baap sey bhi nahi hai to bhala is kutty ki shakal waly ki dhamkiyoo sey kon darta hai.. Yaad Rakh ham pakistani hain Pakistani jo apne seeny per bomb bandh lety hain mger tum jaisy lanti hindo sey kbhi nahi darty.. i love my great PAKISTAN who is the Father of India (Lantistaaaaaaannnnnnnn)

Noreen Shams | 13 years ago | Reply ROFL !

Sumair | 13 years ago | Reply lol, nice writeup..

Awais | 13 years ago | Reply good ones done leave a note pointing it was sarcastic

Deen Sheikh | 13 years ago | Reply I think the Pakistani team will be probably be more threatened by the Indian Shiv Sena over the so-called Taliban threat in India. Bal Thakray is a nothing but a racist extreme right-wing nut job, who uses racism and hatred for Pakistan to better his political position and garner support. For those that are unaware, his racism, targets not only Pakistani's or Indian Muslims, but also Non natives of the state of Maharashtra, in the 90's his party folks used to target South Indian immigrants, in the last ten years they have been targeting people from North India including Punjab, UP, AP etc. He is bringing the same band of thuggish politics to Mumbai, that some political parties are bringing to Karachi today, which is not uncommon in many developing countries. Racist and Thuggish political ideologies, he claims he is a Hindu nationalist, yet he targets Hindu immigrants in Mumbai from other states. It is all about money, money, money if you ask me. The government of India knows what he is doing, yet they can not lay a finger on him.

Confused | 13 years ago | Reply We should probably win the match against India because Zardari has promised he will step up the war on terror in the Northern Areas if we do so. God help us!

Uza Syed | 13 years ago | Reply "Pakistan was given a place in the semi-final as a reward for releasing Raymond Davis." ------- Hillarious ! "Pakistan will win the match because they don’t have sattay baaz (gamblers) on the squad."-------- Well, Tanzeel, this one is almost plausible. If some have sneaked in ----- they won't be that stupid to get into the 'act' at least not in any real big 'action' ----- right now it's bit too hot, I would think.

Neeraj, India | 13 years ago | Reply This was a brief, but, a wonderful and hilarious writeup of yours indeed. Yes, if Pak wins it will be all because of the great and almost unbeatable Pakistani cricketers and Allah sided with the faithful, but, if they loose, then, the conspiracy theorists will have a field day, with epitaphs like 'match was fixed', 'Indians bought Pak players', 'pitch was doctored', 'not enough Islam in players' but, the winner would be 'it was a conspiraracy hatched by the RAW, Mossad, CIA and of course 'yahood-o-hindood'. Poor Afridi would be hiding somewhere in Lahore or Peshawar.

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