If elected, Donald Trump will be the most Pakistani president

I am sick of the liberal media giving Donald Trump unnecessary flak for having the courage to say the things that nobody else wants to. Everyone is so afraid of sounding like a complete idiot in front of the world that they are missing out on their chance to be the leader of the free world. Look at Imran Khan, he was a respected man along with being shy and reserved, he overcame his fear of public speaking and look at where he is now – he is neither of those things anymore. If Trump is lucky, he could also be briefly married to Reham Khan.

It is only after listening to Trump speak that I have realised why the fear of public speaking tops the list of most feared things in the world. It’s beyond the fear of spiders and snakes and it makes sense, as I would rather lie in a tub of spiders and snakes than listen to Trump speak.

Trump’s best quality is that he speaks his mind. He does not contend with liberal ideas involving facts or the truth. All that matters is his opinion, and when has a rich white privileged man ever been wrong in America? My only wish is that Trump visits Pakistan; he was born to be one of the four people in tiny boxes on our news channels shouting at each other.

Trump is a man vying for power who keeps asserting that he has all the money in the world. He also claims that he has lived a privileged life and there is absolutely no need for him to be a leader; hence he is doing it for his people and to make his country great again. Something that no Pakistani leader has ever said.


In fact, the only thing common between Imran Khan, Nawaz Sharif and Trump is the fact that they all buy their hair pieces and wigs from the same shop.

Our daba news show model has been so successful that it has even been replicated by all American news agencies for the Republican Debates. Ten people in ten small boxes shouting at each other and hurling accusations, the republican debates have been the most Pakistani television show in America since Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Obviously that one would have mostly been censored in Pakistan, but then replayed by every news agency as evidence of other news channels spreading vulgarity. The only way to stop the spread of vulgarity is to highlight every single instance multiple times at a news show and upload it online with titles urging you not to watch the video.

Back to the show that is ‘Keeping up with the Republicans’, sometimes when I watch Trump talk, I feel like he is Abid Sher Ali in disguise. Brash, loud, sexist, hateful towards minorities and threatening violence. Just draw a moustache on him and Donald Trump is basically Rana Sanaullah.


Don’t get me wrong, I am all for Trump. If I was American, I would vote for him. Nothing would raise patriotism like a Trump presidency. Unfortunately for America, the rise in patriotism will happen in every country apart from America. No matter how bad things get, people around the world can sleep peacefully knowing Trump is not their president.

Think of the amount of money Pakistanis will save on green card applications. It will also result in an increase in demand for desi bahus once parents stop trying to get their sons a green card bahu. At this stage, the green card should simply be called the Pakistani card.

The only thing that I disagree with Trump on is the need for every Muslim to get registered and get a Muslim ID Card. What kind of a country makes every citizen declare their religion and put it on their identification cards? Every civilised country in the world guarantees the freedom of religion, what if somebody chooses to convert to Islam later? Will America implement laws that punish people who convert from their religion of birth?

Trump is going down a slippery slope by suggesting that the state has the right to dictate and command religion. Next he will ask all Americans to perceive members of another faith to be lesser than them, while registering to get their American passports. Islam is a religion of equality and faith, no Muslim country would ever treat people of other faiths like this, and hence it is disappointing to see Trump treat Muslims this way.

Islamophobia is a real problem in the world. I even read that a Masjid was burnt down over the weekend, I did not bother to read what country it happened in but I am sure it was a result of France bombing Syria. You know American funding Islamophobia around the world is a real problem when even Muslims are burning mosques.

Maybe Trump is just misunderstood. He simply wants the surveillance of all mosques in America to protect them from being torched down by people claiming that their faith is better than others. America was meant to be a secular state, that is how their founders envisioned it, I do not remember the exact quotes by George Washington or Thomas Jefferson, because I do not bore myself with activities like reading. But the general concept was that people were free to go to their churches, temples and mosques.

A country like that can never allow a dictator to use religion to subvert the principles the country was built upon. Call it the basic structure doctrine if you must. Trump ul Haq is using people’s beliefs to garner support for a cult of personality. If Americans are not careful, he might create draconian laws making people wonder ‘who was the dude who formed these laws?’ History might remember these laws as the ‘Who Dude’ ordinances.

Trump may have no experience in government. He might not know the basics of political science, governing or diplomacy. Trump might make the worst president in the history of the country, but he has one thing he can feed on to lead him to victory – fear. The fear of the other. The fear of people crossing the border and taking over everything that the honest citizens have spent their lifetime building. Fear that Washington is corrupt and ineffectual. Fear that the political order has failed and there is a need for an intervention. Fear that America is losing its military might. Fear that Barack Obama is too soft on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS). Fear that terrorists from the north will take over if Trump is not elected.

I for one am really afraid, which is why Trump has my vote. Even if he sends me to Guantanamo to get water boarded as soon as he is elected president because I am Muslim. But I am Pakistani, and like all Pakistanis, I also suffer from Stockholm syndrome. I will forget every time I have bitten, as long as the flute plays and the snake dances, I am ready to be charmed all over again. #Trump2016