Why just stop at teachers and students? We all need guns

I am sick of dominating women. Nobody ever talks about the real victims of patriarchy and misogyny – the men. Men have set such an impossible standard of chauvinism that it is impossible to match up.

There is so much pressure on men to force women to do things just so that they stay socially relevant. Think back to school, how many times did you laugh at a poor kid being bullied only because you did not want to be the one being laughed at? All men in the world are that kid!

I see movies like Revolver Rani, and all I want is to be pistol whipped by an incredibly hot woman. For once, I want to be Jorah Mormont to some Daenerys Targaryen.

Thankfully, the government of Pakistan has delved into the ‘50 shades of Grey’ part of my brain, and has come out with a solution – teaching female students on how to use guns. This is genius. We all know men dominate women in Pakistan but if you give the girls a gun, it goes a long way in evening up the scales.

It comes after another brilliant decision by the government – allowing teachers to carry guns. We all know teaching is a feminine job; men never want to share what they know with anyone else.

There is a reason men do not make great teachers; it requires the one thing we do not have – patience. Teaching is a highly frustrating job. It is exasperating to control an entire classroom. It can be maddening trying to communicate to students who do not want to listen. Every single time I have been in front of an entire class of students laughing at my helplessness, I have thought to myself,

“If only I had a gun...”

How reassuring would it be for all the students traumatised by violence all over the country and watching dead bodies all over the media to walk into schools with teachers and students carrying guns? Any person who goes to any school without a gun should be given a mandatory detention.

Look at the US, their lack of gun control means students often bring guns to schools and they are the most powerful nation in the world. Sure, you will say that school shootings happens every month in the US, but road accidents happen every day, and I do not see anyone clamouring to ban cars. If we are to become like the United States of America, we do not need roti, kapra or makaan, we need more guns. It’s like the nuclear deterrence policy, except it is a gun instead of a nuclear bomb.

Schools are meant to educate, it is good for kids to learn at any early age that nobody is safe in Pakistan.

Gun production in the country will help our failing economy and give a massive boost to our exports. Aren’t we sick of making jeans, carpets and towels? The gun industry in Pakistan has the potential to outdo our textile exports by a few million dollars. If there is one thing that we know all militias in the world need, it is drugs and a complete lack of conscience… but guns are a close third.

The prevalence of guns in the country will also lower our unemployment rate greatly. People who cannot find a job can simply move to Karachi and get hired as a target killer. I know you get paid as little as Rs5,000 to kill somebody, but look at the amount of Pakistanis in the country; you can potentially earn millions if you work hard. Militant organisations are now even on LinkedIn; it is easier than ever for your work to be recognised in the militancy field.

All those people denied the pleasure of playing Counter Strike as children can finally get to play it in 3D. De_Karachi will be the most popular map ever.

Thank you Pakistan government for your creative out-of-the-box thinking. Thank you for privatising the state’s monopoly over violence. I know how hard it is to play the game of monopoly; I have spent many a weeks on single games. Sometimes you have to forego one of your monopolies to keep the others. The government had made a very wise decision – their monopolies over sugar and cement are much more profitable than their monopoly over violence. All they have to do now is avoid picking up a chance card that says,

“Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200”.

After ceding foreign policy, security and the judiciary to the military, if the plan is to cede electricity, water and development to the private sector, you can finally prove Spiderman wrong. The government can have great power without great responsibility.

Who would have thought guns would be the answer to all their problems?

It baffles me that the government did not think of this before now. They can use guns to control people. The Mughals did it to us successfully, the British did it to us successfully, it only makes sense that it will work again.

Why just stop at training teachers? Why not disband the corrupt police of the country and instead spend money providing gun training to everybody in the country? Nobody would break the law knowing fully well that everybody in the country is gun-trained. Nobody wants to get shot at just because they cut somebody off in traffic. There is a reason all those Prados with Sindhi guards never get stuck in traffic.

It will make life so much easier for all Pakistanis looking to express their rage, no longer will they all need to congregate at NIPA to burn KFC.

Too many people in front of them in a line? Shoot some.

Feeling pangs of joy? Start shooting in the air.

Need to make an urgent phone call but your phone’s battery is out? Steal a cell phone.

I kind of miss the state of nature; it is time to put Thomas Hobbes theory to the test. Let us live freely in a world without any social contract. It would be exciting to have Pakistan turn into the Hunger Games, which is the only way Jennifer Lawrence would ever come to Pakistan and if only for that, it is totally worth it.

For a country deprived of avenues of entertainment, mandatory gun training could be the best thing to ever happen to Pakistan. The terrorists have them, the police have them, and I see no reason why all of us should also not have guns.

Especially the Mama Parsi students; the amount of guys loitering around the school should give them ample shooting practice.