I am okay but let me drown myself
There is our body, and then there is our soul. When I wake up, both of them seem to take up a life of their own, leaving me out of the equation.
My body refuses to move and my soul retaliates from inside, leaving me woozy and heavy-headed.
They tell me it is just my hormones and this is how things are at my age. I ask them, is this how you felt when you were in my shoes? Were you even wearing the same shoes back then? The exact same fit, thread to thread, emotion to emotion, skin to skin?
As children, we would swim towards the deep end of the pool and we would compete with each other; games that involved going underwater and touching the floor of the swimming pool. I recall the weight building up as I used to go underwater, my body wanting to float, but my will power motivating me to hold my breath and go down under.
Now, I do not need the swimming pool to feel the same way. And my will power has gone. It feels like I am stuck halfway.
Life can be compared to an ocean now; I keep trying to catch my breath and the water keeps choking me, and the weight of it keeps dragging me down. Only I cannot move further down. I am just dangling in the middle trying to live. Living is hard. Everyday activities seem pointless. And I do not know why. It’s just like that.
I used to love biking. I used to love going for a walk in the woods. Now all I want to do is disappear into the sky. They tell me I just need to get out of the house, socialise, and hang out with friends. They say it will be okay once I start ‘acting’ normal. And I start questioning them.
What is the definition of normal? What is the definition of being okay? What is wrong with me anyway? You all say you have felt the same way I have, so why single me out and tell me what to do when I just want to get lost in the silence of my empty thoughts?
It feels like the sun mocks me every morning. So I just draw the curtains, but my maid keeps opening them. She has to clean the room, but I have to clear my mind. I do not like how I am feeling. But I do not dislike it as well. It is like a tea stain on my favourite tee that refuses to go away. I want the shirt. But then there is a stain on it. The big brown stain on my dinner jacket, which cannot be hidden. But I do not mind. It is a part of me.
But nobody understands. Everyone keeps pushing and pushing, pulling at my ropes, giving directions to me, while I just float in the ocean. Empty. Screaming. And yet, you are not willing to hear me out. I just want to be alone. Please let me be. A lot of time has passed since my body gave up on my soul. I have seen and known enough to admit it is okay; I am okay.
There is nothing wrong with me.
We just like to label people. And unfortunately I got the “depression” label. But it is okay. It is who I am. And the sooner I learn to accept it, the quicker my body and my soul can piece everything back together and be at peace.
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