“My medical degree brings all the parents to the yard” – A man's perspective

You can't trust a doctor damad; he would end up going around taking all those temperatures of women who are strangers.

The simple laws of supply and demand do not apply to a doctor bahu (daughter-in-law); no matter what the supply, there will still be a demand in Pakistan. It’s inelasticity of demand is more rigid than the worst brand of zarband you may buy from a street vendor.

You can turn every eligible single woman in Pakistan into a doctor, and there would still be parents lining up around the block looking to marry their son to them.

If Kelis was to make a pop song in Pakistan, it would be,

“My medical degree brings all the parents to the yard and they are like our haq mehar's  better than theirs, we can give you our son but we have to take jahaiz.”

Fairness creams in Pakistan would sell a lot more if they changed their method of advertising, instead of showing advertisements that turn women fair to help them get jobs as air hostesses, often leading to their own friends wondering if their face was a mirror. Case in point, this tagline from Stillman's beauty cream,

“Chehra hai ya Aaina, ye toh hai humari Hina.”

(Is this is a face or a mirror? This is our Hina)

How did she mistake another person, looking completely different than her and wearing a completely different set of clothes than her, for a mirror?  I have always wondered whether for a second they thought it was them who were, in fact, the fair and beautiful one. Why did she not first wonder why her parents never told her about this twin of hers? Or just simply start fixing her hair thinking she was looking into a mirror.

Clearly the memory of that advertisement has left me in existential doubt for the rest of my life. Is Hina real? Was she ever real? Is anything real? Are those chips real chips?

Only the demand for doctor bahus is the indubitable truth, the foundation of all knowledge. It is based on that that we should build the new world. Fairness creams should rebrand themselves as the MBBS creams; their sales would go through the roof.

Here is how an ad for the MBBS cream would go:

“Are you not getting any rishtas? Are your parents concerned that they will have to live with you even longer? Get the Fair and MBBS cream, and see the results in simply four weeks. After the first week, you can start taking temperatures and blood pressures. After the second, you can prescribe a Panadol as a remedy for everything. After the third, you can take out people’s organs to sell on the black market and after the fourth week, just like magic, you have a husband.”

A marriage is basically akin to a graduation ceremony for a girl pursuing a MBBS. All their friends and family are there, there is a guest speaker and you get a degree at the end; the nikahnama. If you are feeling excited, you can even throw the sehra in the air and pose for a graduation picture.

The best part about this graduation is that your job starts immediately after. You do not have to go around applying, dropping your resumes or filling your resume with internships you never did. Clearly going to Dar-ul-Sukun for a day merits as giving back to the community.

You have the best job unimaginable; you are a wife!

Think about it, you are already used to staying up all night taking care of someone at those night jobs, you are used to people puking and soiling their pants in front of you and you are used to feeding people in their own beds. Basically, you are completely prepared to be a mother. The MBBS might as well stand for Mother Banane main Bachelor Sciences.

Eventually, you do not even need to remember anything from those large books you carried every day to school, that is only meant to serve as preparation for carrying babies in the future. All you need to remember is,

“Khana nahi khate na, iss liye bimar hojate ho.”

(You get sick because you don’t eat)

If they look anything else than morbidly obese, you are morally obligated to say:

“Kitnay kamzoor hogaye ho!”

(You have become so weak)

And if they are well fed, fat and still manage to get sick, you can rely on your back up:

“Nahate nahi ho na, iss liye bimar hojate ho.”

 (You get sick because you don’t bathe)

My own mother’s conclusions about the reasons for all my sicknesses and illnesses have made me wonder why all these doctors in the world spend so much on medical research; they can cure the worst of all ailments with a quick lunch and a shower. Turn those hospitals into restaurants and public showers already!

If you need anymore more experience, you have the husband, who is usually as bad as a new-born. It is a sign of how incapable Pakistani men are of taking care of themselves that their parents insist for a doctor bahu. They know that, left at their own accords, their sons are likely to seriously injure themselves, or worse, others. Every Pakistani man is basically a patient, hence the reliance on the need for a doctor bahu.

Nobody is out there asking for a doctor damaad (son-in-law); us men cannot even control ourselves, how do you expect us to go through a surgery without thinking about ‘what would Shahid Afridi do in this situation?’

Look at the history of mankind, with men in control, the focus has always been on taking lives, not saving lives. Do you think if Hitler was a woman he would have insisted on such homogenisation of society? He would not have even let other soldiers wear the same dress as him.

You cannot even trust a doctor damad; he would end up like a typical man going around taking all those temperatures and blood pressures of women who are strangers.

You can never know what he truly means when he says he took somebody’s heart today. How can you live with a man who spends his days controlling the heart rates of other women? You cannot even trust most men around other men, let alone patients on anaesthesia.

No, no, the damaad can be an industrialist, ideally the owner of a factory that does not offer equal employment as to ensure all the people he interacts with at work are large muscular moustache guys with greasy hands. There are still men who you would not trust even in those positions but marriage is about compromise. It is no coincidence that most men in Pakistan make textiles. Even while working in groups of men at factories, most men are focused on dressing women.

The doctor bahu is the crown achievement. It is everything every family in Pakistan ever aspires for. The only reason anyone even gets married is so that one day they can have a son, who can marry a doctor bahu. We created Pakistan to marry our sons to doctor bahus. We were afraid a united India would not give our girls enough quotas for medical colleges. Little known fact is the two nation theory was originally called the two hospitals theory.

You have seen how little Pakistan focuses on education, how else can you explain so many medical colleges in the country? They should just rename those to bahu factories. They are already teaching them to forego their lives completely for something. If that is not the definition of marriage in Pakistan for a woman, I do not know what is.

If you have been able to find one of these rare jewels, make sure you hold on it forever. Even when they have not practiced the medical profession for the past century, make sure she is addressed as ‘Dr’ on every form they ever fill. At social gatherings, feel free to let all the kids call her doctor aunty. She is also completely comfortable with anybody in the family, their friends and the families of those friends calling her at any time to ask for any free medical advice. You do not even need to ask; she will be glad to look at the rash on your second cousin's best friend's chacha's (uncle) six-year-old son's bum.

Even if doctor aunty turns 50 next year, her medical degree is still more valid than any professional doctor’s advice you might seek. It is not like medicine is a field that evolves at all. I am still a firm believer in the Roman urine therapy. Also using lead as medicine, pencils are as good as cough syrups.

Every family needs a doctor aunty; if your family does not have one it is your responsibility – get to the first eligible man in your family and find him a doctor bahu now! If there are no eligible single men in your family and you are too nice to cause a divorce for the greater good, you are culturally required to enrol in a medical college right now.

Look to your right, look to your left, if neither of the people you see are doctor bahus then you are the doctor bahu, do it for Pakistan.