Subramanian Swami, I guarantee you that the ISI did not fund PK

You claim that the ISI agency of Pakistan has funded the Bollywood movie PK. Do you not know Pakistan at all?

Dear Subramanian Swami,

Unlike Aamir Liaquat, I do not wish to engage in a tirade of abuses and vitriol of hate. I will not mention any ‘dandas with jhandas’ or ‘pichwaras’ or ‘teesri hockey sticks’, but I simply hope to appeal to your ability to see reason.

You claim that the Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) agency of Pakistan has funded the Bollywood movie PK. You say that your sources trace the funds to Pakistan through Dubai. Sir, I do not know what you are smoking but please can I have some too?

Who financed the PK film? According to my sources it is traceable to Dubai and ISI. DRI must investigate

— Subramanian Swamy (@Swamy39) December 29, 2014

Do you not know Pakistan at all?

If we had enough money, before funding a Bollywood movie, we could have bought our Pakistan cricket team a World Cup. We could have lobbied to deny India the hosting rights of the World Cup then worked the schedule to ensure Pakistan wins it. As a goodwill gesture, the ISI could have even ensured Manmohan Singh comes to Lahore for the semi-final against India, in which the Indian cricket team magically misses 11 chances to get Shahid Afridi’s wicket. To show our magnanimity and to make it easier for India to miss those chances, we would have even let Kamran Akmal keep wickets for India – the only man in the world who cannot even catch Ebola.

At the very least, the World Cup victory would have given us another political party.

Our ISI is intelligent but it is hardly the richest agency in the world.

If ISI had the money to fund PK, they could have better used those funds to hire Anushka Sharma to marry Imran Khan. It is the least they could do for him after his extended dharnas in Islamabad. It would be an even bigger coup for Pakistan than Sania Mirza. I would be proud of living in a country where Anushka is the bhabhi (sister-in-law) of the nation. And let’s be honest, even at 62, Imran is way better looking than Virat Kholi.

Imran was even made to bear with DJ Butt; with the funds required for a movie like PK, we could have hired DJ Tiesto to play ‘Go Nawaz Go’ in Islamabad every night.

We simply lack the capacity to fund a multi-million dollar movie with a story – if you do not believe me, you should see Waar.

Do you know how I know for a fact that the ISI did not fund PK? It did not have Shaan in the lead role. And it was not called ‘Gujjar from Mars’.

I know the abbreviation ‘PK’ might have thrown you off, since it could also stand for Pakistan, but do you really think we are that obvious? The ISI would have taken a leaf off your intelligent agencies books and named it Tehreek-e-Taliban India (TTI) instead. The movie would revolve around an alien who comes to India to impose Shariah. It would have to change the lyrics of the song slightly,

“Non nanga punga dost, satar covered dost, ek bhoondh bhi us nay na pee kyun kay haraam hai.”

We are fighting a war on multiple fronts, we are marred with internal violence and civilian strife, and you really think we have ISI officers sitting in Dubai funding movies in Bollywood? You sound like the Zaid Hamid of India. What is next? You think there is a Jewish conspiracy to send dengue mosquitoes to India to steal the corpses of Mughal leaders and resurrect them for the next Jurassic Park movie? It might sound preposterous but I bet it is less crazy than anything Hamid tweets today.

Even in 2011, after the Mumbai attack, you claimed the Muslims of India were being programmed to turn on the Hindus.

Who is doing this programming? Is the ISI funding Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking too? Did Steve Jobs simply have to die because he was refusing to include the Muslim mind-control device on the Iphone 6?

Judging by your claims, it is easy to see who’s the one causing the religious divide.

What’s next, you will claim we sent Ali Zafar and Fawad Khan as biological bombs to India to encourage the young girls of India to join the jihad in Kashmir? Is Ali’s new movie Kill Dil a code for ‘Kill Delhi’? Does Rahat Fateh Ali Khan actually have a six pack and only looks like he doesn’t because he is wearing a suicide bomb vest all the time? Is Wasim Akram relaying coordinates of India’s nuclear sites while commenting on cricket matches?

You want to assist the independence movements in Pakistan but you want to deny your own country’s filmmakers the independence to make movies. Your politically tinted glasses made you blind to the questions raised by PK on other religions as well. Your editorial asking India to enact laws to ban conversions from Hindu to any other religion shows your xenophobia. I do not have any issue with your insecurities but please do not use those insecurities to malign other people and countries.

I can believe you if you say some people from Pakistan may have been involved in the Mumbai attack since there are renegades in both our countries, who are mentally stuck in a pre-partition era. I can even believe you if you say a small fishing boat carrying bombs mysteriously blew itself up on its own after being chased by the Indian Navy on New Year’s Eve. Maybe fishermen in Pakistan like setting their boats on fire in the middle of the ocean. Maybe it was an alternative to having fireworks on New Year’s Eve.

However, I cannot believe that anybody in Pakistan, let alone the ISI, had anything to do with funding PK. The claim is so ludicrous that in lieu of asking you to show any evidence, all I can do is laugh.

ISI, if you’re reading this (who am I kidding? Of course you are, you’re the ISI), can you fund me to make a show to offset the Homeland PR disaster for ISI? Please send the money to my bank account as soon as possible, I promise not to use it for food.

Thank you!