Wanted: Trophy wife/millionaire husband

Matrimonial ads in newspapers are both hilarious and frighteningly shallow.

Umair Kazi October 22, 2010
I have this strange habit of reading while sitting on the toilet. It doesn’t need to be anything in particular; as long as there are words to read, anything will do. In a hurry, I often pick up the nearest piece of newspaper on my way to the washroom. While that may sound gross to some, what I read in today’s early morning ritual is much more so.

The reading of choice today was the last page of the classified section: the page that contains the “Matrimonial” segment. In the neatly divided “Bride”, “Groom”, and “Marriage Bureau” subcategories, were entries that screamed of absolute shallowness. Here are some gems that I found:

  • One LUMS MBA boasts about “owning factories” in an attempt to lure his life partner

  • A “beautiful girl seeks well off businessman”: reinforcing every cliché in the book about the rich guy meets young gold-digger love story.

  • One bureau boasts international choice, so you can marry your dream spouse from “America, Canada, Australia, London and UAE” (Why settle for a measly Pakistani when you can have an exotic foreign national?).

  • One pair of parents thought there’s no use beating around the bush and wrote that they “live in Defence”-so that all those low-life other-side-of-the-bridge people know what they’re getting into.

  • One ‘purumeed’ (according to the email address) family knows exactly what they want for their son:

Girl should be around 23-24 years, fair, 5.4″/5.5″, smart, good looking, values religion and family, pursuing a professional degree, US Citizen, from Sunni, Urdu Speaking, highly educated respectable family.

(If you have all that, call them. If you miss on any these requirements, for example if you’re 24 years and 2 months old, or if you’re a few inches short of 5.4″, or if you’re not that smart, please don’t waste their time).

  • There’s a guy available who is only 25, but don’t worry. He’s getting a “handsome package” from his employers, so all is well. There’s a small chance he might turn out to be a murderer, but at least he’s earning well.

  • And here’s the man you’ve all been waiting for, ladies:

Tall, handsome, smart, highly educated, well travelled, well settled, drawing monthly salary in six figures, along with company maintained car and other facilities.

(Yes, this well travelled man with his company maintained car and six-figure salary, which is even more handsome than he is, can be yours if you’re lucky. The man is downright perfect; it’s just that the previous wife… well, she turned out to be a bitch. That or he’s impotent).

  • One foreign national wanted a girl who was “broad minded and with a nice personality”. If that’s you, call now! Avail our special offer for limited time only, “No dowry required!”

Before you can blame the Jewish lobby for killing our values, let me turn your attention to some ads I’ve seen in the international edition of a leading newspaper. Here too, you can see women boasting their “thrilling beauty” and “stunning castle(s)”.

So if you’re in search of a “leader-elite” or “multimillionaires”, their lines are open. Also available is this “dream darling” PhD attorney, who resides “exclusively in the most loved, famous EU city, and on his Island.” Yes, that’s right. He has his own island. And he’s not your typical crazed body-in-the-basement-freezer PhD! No, this one comes “without psychological baggage”.

We’ve come to a time when marriage is a function of perfection, rather than love (or even social support, like it was in the days of yore).

We want to have that perfect spouse with the perfect credentials so that we can have a perfect start to a perfect married life. This means trophy wives, millionaire men, and every other ingredient that goes into that perfect jet-setting lifestyle. Anything less than that just doesn’t cut it.
Umair Kazi A strategist who blogs at http://www.theideaartist.com
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.