Why have they complicated Islam so much?

The Holy Quran's pages have come out of the printing press from Taj Company or something, not out of Paradise Press.

If you had a step-by-step guide on how to build a bookshelf, you’d be silly not to use it before cutting your planks or handling your tools.

It would show you the most effective way to wield that saw, use a spirit level and, and hit those nails on the head and not yourself. It would be one of those well thumbed hands-on books, kept in a handy spot for easy reference where you can reach up and pull it down every time you need to check something.

So what’s all this about using the Holy Quran only when you’ve washed, shaved and picked your nose, and then not at certain times of the month when you’re ‘unclean’? If ever there was an instruction booklet, this is it ─ the ultimate DIY book, community bulletin board and hazard warning sign, all rolled into one. So why treat it like an artefact that mustn’t be handled?

I’m really not sure where all this stuff is coming from, except maybe it’s another great Western conspiracy (well, why can’t I join the conspiracy hunt? Everyone else is doing it) led by Zionists and the CIA, a bid to stop people from using the book as much as the book should be used. Ha!

There’s a lady I met who says it's okay to read the divine verses on an iPod screen but not on paper at the aforementioned time of the month. Sweetheart, those pages have come out of the printing press from Taj Company or something, not hot out of Paradise Press. It’s the Being they come from and not the paper or the screen that we worship. But if you disagree, and His verses are untouchable on paper, then so must they be untouchable on screen. Your cells shed everywhere, unfortunately.

Someone must have pointed this out to her because now she wears gloves. Clearly she needs a microscope to view the warp and woof and the holes in between her holy little black gloves, not to mention the germs unseen by the naked eye - excuse the ‘n’ word.

Anyway, the prod that produced this rant was the news on the Daily Mail Online headed: ‘London’s Olympic Park Toilets to turn away from Mecca out of respect for Islamic law’.

Oh, come on! There are actually people out there who subscribe to placing toilets so that the user/seated person/patron/pooper is facing at an angle to the Ka’aba? Believe it or not, there are.

Has it occurred to anyone that given the round earth we live in, we face into space at any given time, and never at anything that is over the hump of the earth between us and an object, a long distance away? This means that if you draw a line between me here and the Ka’aba in Mecca, the line would travel straight over the structure on towards Mars or Neptune or whatever else is out there in the sky. That doesn’t mean we worship Mars or Neptune and neither do we worship the Ka’aba or in any other way ascribe powers to the building. One ‘faces’ it only to enforce the sense of unity among the Ummah.

Poopers, facing this way or that, or anywhere but the Ka’aba, are simply an exercise in absurdity, not an expression of unity, so help me God.