Cameron, cricket and the CM

British Prime Minister David Cameron said something in India that made him an instant celebrity in Pakistan. There have been protests all over the country with people carrying banners calling him a terrorist and some other very bad names in Pushto. President Zardari, meanwhile, took the opportunity to fly to the UK to try and get Prime Minister Cameron to change his statement. For his part the British prime minister must be given credit for being candid and unwavering with his opinion. That definitely comes as a breath of fresh air in the usually-constipated diplomatic avenues.

Meanwhile, President Zardari was greeted by thousands of protesters at the airport who were chanting distasteful slogans. “Sir you will love it here,” whispered the high commissioner in his ear. “Your ratings have climbed miraculously and the Colony Casino has refurbished knowing that you will pay them a visit.”

“But I see so many protesters here,” remarked the president. “Sir, these are all paid demonstrators — they were paid by the PML-N to be here today.”

“Ah paid demonstrators, right? Why don’t you issue a press release that I have created so many jobs in London?”

Meanwhile, the secret think-tank of the opposition parties that organised the protests is bitter and angry. “Only if we had used a spellcheck we would have generated more television coverage”, says a copywriter. “Then some of our banners would have made more sense,” he argues. Had that been the case, banners saying ‘GO HOME’ or ‘Persistent Toorrist drones hundreds’ wouldn’t have been held up by the protesters.

Cameron said openly what has been said behind closed doors for years. Let’s face it: if you were in his place you would feel the same only he has been more honest about his judgement. A lot of people are distressed not by the avowal itself but the fact that it was delivered in India. Why? What’s wrong in that? I know the Indians they are a great nation. They have exported themselves to just about any country offering, food, water and coconut oil. They have survived terrible climates, harsh languages and distasteful airline food to be in virtually every part of the globe. The only reason why they cannot be termed as explorers is due to their habit of arriving late. Christopher Columbus would not have discovered the Americas if only Ram Laxman had not been late packing his boat with hair oil and extra doses of Pan Parag.

Meanwhile, in England our cricket team is learning the new meaning of the word ‘cricket’. It’s obviously more demanding than our current national past time — nose-picking. Everything about us is lazy or sloppy. A friend of mine told me yesterday that there is only one difference between Shane Warne and Danish Kaneria and that’s in wicketkeeper Kamran Akmal. Losing to any country in sports may bring tears to one’s eyes but getting whipped in cricket and that too by a weaker team causes untimely monsoons for us. Ah, the monsoons remind me that Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif has dismissed some government officials for not being present in flood-affected areas when he was there himself.

A small reminder, sir: you went in your helicopter and they did not know how to swim upstream through hill torrents. The official Punjab government handout tells us that the hard-working CM toured 500 kilometres of flood-affected areas in his car? How? What special kind of car can drive in 14 feet of water, I really would like to know.

Coming back to England, captain Salman Butt has advice for his players. “Boys, pull up your socks in the next innings. If we win, we get to party with President Zardari. If we lose again, we defect to join the Taliban in Afghanistan.”

Published in The Express Tribune, August 10^th, 2010.