Mr know it all: A lazy boss and a creepy cousin

From relationship blues to money woes, Mr Know It All has the answers!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

I’m in sort of a sticky situation. I come from a big family which scarily reminds me of the movie Hum Saath Saath Hain. We do everything together. We live together, eat together, go for dinners, outings, trips, picnics together. You name it, we do it. But recently I’ve been getting weird vibes from my cousin. He lives with me and my family, and these days he’s been staring at me and asking weird questions like what I think about love. I’m trying to avoid him as much as possible but it seems as if he likes me. It gives me the creeps just to think about it. It’s disgusting because he’s like the brother I never had. But now I can’t hang out with him anymore because I don’t want him to think that I’m willing to return the feelings. Maybe I’m over-thinking this, but this is really bothering me. I don’t know how to tell him to stop being creepy and go back to the brotherly cousin he was. What do I do?

Together forever

 

A. The catalogue of human mating cues is vast and complex; there are frequent and awkward communication glitches and faux pas, and you seem to have caught yourself in the worst of situations. Unfortunately for you, the person you’re irked by also lives right down the hall, so you can’t shut him out completely; he’s a part of the song-singing, picnic-going love fest you describe your family to be. If you do something dramatic, it will only serve to make things fester. So, instead of shooting yourself in the head just because the idea of being with a cousin is so abominable, I suggest you make extra effort to be as unwomanly as possible around him. When he asks you what you think about love, instead of biting your lips and coyly declaring you don’t know, throw your hands up in the air and pretend to fume because, well, it’s a propaganda of course, bhai jan! Use the words Israel and Blackwater in abundance. If he doesn’t take you seriously, offer to wrestle him. The idea is to make him believe you’ve gone absolutely bonkers... yeah, that always does the trick!

 

Q. Dear Mr. Know it All

There’s this guy that I love very much and he loves me too, but something has gone wrong and I can’t figure out why he’s behaving so strangely these last few months. No matter what I do for him, he always complains that it’s not enough. I’ve tried my best to change myself for him, but I feel he takes me for granted. For four years he’s been feeding me empty promises about meeting my parents and asking for my hand but to no avail. He is currently jobless and studying. I admit that parents do look for these things as well, but I only ask him to get engaged to me officially for now. He never wants to listen and always makes fun of me. He also underestimates me at times, and I feel really bad about it. I am 28-years-old and he is a year older. I have been refusing many other proposals for him and now my parents want a reason for this. I’ve tried my best to move this relationship forward and strengthen our bond but he is still standing at the same position as four years ago. All I get to hear from him is “Try to understand” and “I am studying and jobless”. What should I do in this situation? I don’t even know where I stand with him and the stress is affecting my physical and mental health. Please help me … I dont want to lose him.

Absolutely clueless

 

A. If I had a rupee for every time I received an email from a lassie like you who’s gone loco-in-love for a narky, uncooperative dude who also happens to be lazier than a La-Z-Boy chair, I would be relaxing with a good book in the orchard behind my French chateau right now instead of writing this column! Seriously, woman, do yourself and me a favour and put your grey cells to work here. Ask yourself again why you’re so besotted with this guy. Is it his bad-boy ways? Because if it is, then I assure you there are plenty others out there who’ll gladly use you and treat you like scum, but without letting you on like this. Believe me, this guy of yours is a labelled landmine and you want to stay as far away from him as possible if you’re the kind of girl that grew up dreaming of a fairytale wedding. He’s been playing you for years, and I find no valid reason to suspect he plans on transforming into the charming prince you want him to become anytime soon… and since soon is when you’d like to get married and stop playing this dreary boyfriend-taming game, I suggest you agree to go husband-shopping with your mom, find self-satisfaction and become intolerably irritating … because it sure beats the hell out of playing doormat for an unappreciative dud!

 

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

I can’t stand my boss. She is lazy and delegates all her work to me while she watches Indian soap operas in her office. I can’t say no to her and the work keeps piling up on my desk. She takes credit for my work and has never given me a good performance review. She takes long lunch breaks, is on personal phone calls or out of the office with her cell phone often, yet no one seems to notice or care. I can’t go up to her and tell her to do her job, she’ll just fire me. What should I do?

Workplace drama

 

A. Few things in life are more annoying than a difficult boss. It’s bad enough if she’s a dragon lady, but if she’s the kind that enjoys watching saas-bahus tomfooleries on her private TV during office hours, then God help you! In a situation that leaves you few options, you gotta do what you gotta do: tell the woman off! I know this might sound like a dreadful idea right now, but think of it as a challenge that might actually set you free. First, disabuse yourself of any notions of civility and professionalism because this will be a tricky move to make, especially if you want to come out of it unscathed, without permanently damaging your ego and career. As soon as you sense the relationship souring, which it will, tell as many people as you can about the woman’s philistine habits. This won’t just give you ammo for a harassment suit if you’re fired, but it also means that any derogatory comments or intolerable assignments will be seen as sour grapes and revenge on her part, automatically rendering you the poor unsuspecting victim.

The office environment is a fertile petri dish for petty disputes and awkward confrontations where winning and losing depends on who hog-ties who first. Play it right, and this one’s all yours!

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, September 25^th,  2011.